...
its funny how people take life for granted. everyone is so consumed with what lies ahead in their future, that they dont stop to appreciate how much beauty there is right in front of their faces...and when i say "their" i mean me.
i look back on last year...and all i want is to do it all over again. I spent the entire year rushing. for what? i dont know. i wanted to be off in college so badly. i wanted to be off on my own, making my own decisions. i wanted to be out of my parents house, and living on my own. i wanted to have the freedom of a grown adult...now that i have all of that...im not so sure that i want it anymore.
i just realized that i spent most of my time with ryan worrying about our future. worrying about our break up, worrying if he really loved me, worrying if he would want to stay with me, worrying about loosing him. Now i have lost him, and there is nothing i can do about it. its all gone.
i wish that i could do last year over again. i wish that i could spend every moment with him, enjoying that moment, breathing it all in. instead of nagging him about..."how sad the break up was GOING to be." why the fuck was i so concerned, instead of living up the wonderful times i did have with him.
why did i want to get out of high school so badly, when i look back, i see that i was so much happier then in my life, then i am now.
So now i have freedom to do whatever i please. now i am moved out of my parents house, living on my own like a real "college student" now i am unhappy.
i have lost the one person who i love more then the sky above me, and the earth below me. i have lost the comfort of my parents, and their constant unbearable concern for me, and my safety. of course they still love and care about me...but they are letting go, and letting me become who i am, on my own, with my own judgments. Now more then ever i want to be home.
i want to have a 12:00 curfew again. i want to be only a drive away from all of my friends who are now sprawled across the u.s. so far away from me. i want to be able to call ryan, and spend the day with him, doing nothing but laugh...and do nothing, like we did so well.
i regret rushing..because my rush got me no where fast. now i feel as though i dont belong anywhere, and nowhere belongs to me.
my one piece of advice is to really live life moment by moment. embrace every long talk, every laugh, every cry, every joy, every pain. because it all goes away so quickly. and once that is gone, you can never get that back...
thank you everyone who made my last years in high school amazing...thank you for that experience. and i apologize for rushing it away.
thats all for me tonight.
i look back on last year...and all i want is to do it all over again. I spent the entire year rushing. for what? i dont know. i wanted to be off in college so badly. i wanted to be off on my own, making my own decisions. i wanted to be out of my parents house, and living on my own. i wanted to have the freedom of a grown adult...now that i have all of that...im not so sure that i want it anymore.
i just realized that i spent most of my time with ryan worrying about our future. worrying about our break up, worrying if he really loved me, worrying if he would want to stay with me, worrying about loosing him. Now i have lost him, and there is nothing i can do about it. its all gone.
i wish that i could do last year over again. i wish that i could spend every moment with him, enjoying that moment, breathing it all in. instead of nagging him about..."how sad the break up was GOING to be." why the fuck was i so concerned, instead of living up the wonderful times i did have with him.
why did i want to get out of high school so badly, when i look back, i see that i was so much happier then in my life, then i am now.
So now i have freedom to do whatever i please. now i am moved out of my parents house, living on my own like a real "college student" now i am unhappy.
i have lost the one person who i love more then the sky above me, and the earth below me. i have lost the comfort of my parents, and their constant unbearable concern for me, and my safety. of course they still love and care about me...but they are letting go, and letting me become who i am, on my own, with my own judgments. Now more then ever i want to be home.
i want to have a 12:00 curfew again. i want to be only a drive away from all of my friends who are now sprawled across the u.s. so far away from me. i want to be able to call ryan, and spend the day with him, doing nothing but laugh...and do nothing, like we did so well.
i regret rushing..because my rush got me no where fast. now i feel as though i dont belong anywhere, and nowhere belongs to me.
my one piece of advice is to really live life moment by moment. embrace every long talk, every laugh, every cry, every joy, every pain. because it all goes away so quickly. and once that is gone, you can never get that back...
thank you everyone who made my last years in high school amazing...thank you for that experience. and i apologize for rushing it away.
thats all for me tonight.