lets do some face dropping!
Well its finally Friday! This has been a long week. All week long i have done massive amounts of studying and testing, and studying and testing. I never studied in high school. maybe it was because i didn't need to, or maybe it was because i didn't care. either way, i never studied. But now that i am here, i have no choice but to study. and im not talking about glance over my notes while chatting online and having ramen noodles...oh no, im talking about intense 4-5 hour study sessions a night. glaring at the computer until my eyes bleed. its not a pretty sight. But damn do i feel good the next day when i am racing through my test feeling confident about every answer.
so despite all of the emotional bull shit i have been going thru lately with silly ex boyfriends, and girls who slept with my ex boyfriend (love ya steph) i feel pretty damn good. yeah...you saw that didnt you...you saw that little...(love ya steph) your prolly thinking..."whats that all about, thats the girl who slept with ryan a few weeks after they broke up, and theresa wanted to kick her ass a few days ago" well...i did to be honest. but then i came to the fascinating realization that it wasn't so much her i hated, but her who i was jealous of. B/c ryan chose her over me. and then i realized that i shouldn't be jealous, b/c...frankly, i dont want him anymore. so i decided last night to take back the mean thing i said to poor steph (your a dirty slut) and have an intelligent very interesting conversation with her. funny how that works.
so where am i now? How did i go from this (and i quote from ryan) "weak pathetic girl" who was trying way to hard to love a boy who didnt love her...to this strong empowered girl who is completely ready to start over. i have NO idea?! but it happened, and it makes me oh so very happy. i realized that i don't need a boy to be happy. i don't need a boy to reasure me that i am beautiful...because, i can just look in the mirror and inside my heart to find that one out. and i dont need to stay in this victim role with him where i just keep on letting myself go...and then get dropped on my face.
3rd times the charm. Yes, girls who have not had there heart broken...take these words of wisdom from me...It often takes more then one time of being completely humiliated, heartbroken, and dropped on your freakin face before you get it. It took me three times of almost seducing him (i was so desperate for his love) and getting what i wanted..and then figuring out that i was just being used...before i realized that what i was doing was unhealthy, and was only hurting me more every time.
i think the saddest part of the whole thing, is that ryan gave up on me. he gave up on trying to make things work. But...if he wants to throw away what we had (which i guarantee you was amazing) just because he is scared...and wants to fill his days with meaningless sex and flings...then i dont want to be with him anyway. Its just too bad though...i loved him more then anyone could, more then anyone can. But it just all blew right over his head...and he missed it.
enough rant about that...its friday, its the weekend, and i am going to the I.L.I!
enlightenment...here i come!
so despite all of the emotional bull shit i have been going thru lately with silly ex boyfriends, and girls who slept with my ex boyfriend (love ya steph) i feel pretty damn good. yeah...you saw that didnt you...you saw that little...(love ya steph) your prolly thinking..."whats that all about, thats the girl who slept with ryan a few weeks after they broke up, and theresa wanted to kick her ass a few days ago" well...i did to be honest. but then i came to the fascinating realization that it wasn't so much her i hated, but her who i was jealous of. B/c ryan chose her over me. and then i realized that i shouldn't be jealous, b/c...frankly, i dont want him anymore. so i decided last night to take back the mean thing i said to poor steph (your a dirty slut) and have an intelligent very interesting conversation with her. funny how that works.
so where am i now? How did i go from this (and i quote from ryan) "weak pathetic girl" who was trying way to hard to love a boy who didnt love her...to this strong empowered girl who is completely ready to start over. i have NO idea?! but it happened, and it makes me oh so very happy. i realized that i don't need a boy to be happy. i don't need a boy to reasure me that i am beautiful...because, i can just look in the mirror and inside my heart to find that one out. and i dont need to stay in this victim role with him where i just keep on letting myself go...and then get dropped on my face.
3rd times the charm. Yes, girls who have not had there heart broken...take these words of wisdom from me...It often takes more then one time of being completely humiliated, heartbroken, and dropped on your freakin face before you get it. It took me three times of almost seducing him (i was so desperate for his love) and getting what i wanted..and then figuring out that i was just being used...before i realized that what i was doing was unhealthy, and was only hurting me more every time.
i think the saddest part of the whole thing, is that ryan gave up on me. he gave up on trying to make things work. But...if he wants to throw away what we had (which i guarantee you was amazing) just because he is scared...and wants to fill his days with meaningless sex and flings...then i dont want to be with him anyway. Its just too bad though...i loved him more then anyone could, more then anyone can. But it just all blew right over his head...and he missed it.
enough rant about that...its friday, its the weekend, and i am going to the I.L.I!
enlightenment...here i come!