Gift #3
Title: Sins of the Season
Type: Gen, humor
Rating: G
Word Count: ~1561
Warnings/Notes: Anecdotes are based upon actual events reported in the news. Beta'd by Arianna (thanks!) and remaining errors are all mine, unlike the characters.
Author: roslynsmuse
Staff Meeting, Division of Major Crime; December, 1996
"Well Gentlemen, here we are again getting ready for another few weeks of holiday fun here in Cascade. Since Major Crime tends to be slow around now, let's be generous with our time when the overflow starts coming in from Burglary, Vice and Homicide."
"Captain?"
"Yes, Sandburg."
"I get how there's a large increase in crime pertaining to Robbery this time of year and even homicides. But what's with the Vice stuff?"
"Jim, talk to the kid. Let him know how some people like to let off a bit of , er, steam this time of year, even if it moves them way, way down on Santa's list."
"Well, Sir, I don't think the Birds and Bees talk is precisely needed here. Salt peter perhaps but-"
"Funny, guys. Really cute. It's a legitimate question!" Blair assumed a rather put upon expression but no one was fooled for a second.
Banks sighed. "Basically anything goes. We've already had a call this morning about a B&E by a Santa carrying an AK 47."
"Gotta guard that sleigh, Captain."
"Well, Brown, that was a given with all the rounds he had draped over him. Pancho Villa would have admired that outfit."
Blair blinked in amazement. "An AK 47? That's some serious shit, er sorry. Guess you ought to keep that out of the minutes, right Rhonda? Hey, last year I spent most of the holidays grading papers. Can you fill me in on the real basics of what all goes on around here Christmas week?"
Banks mulled that over briefly. "Well, we've got 20 minutes left to the staff meeting. Okay, each of you gets to tell one tale - Ah Ah Ah! Just one, so choose your favorite. Brown, you go first."
"Well, my personal favorite was Mrs. Huntington. She was a sweet thing of about seventy and went around the neighborhood collecting nativity dolls. Wound up with around a dozen baby Jesus', twenty Marys and she had a real fondness for donkeys. Right after midnight, she packed 'em all up and dropped them off at a Church rectory. Priest called us up to collect the stuff and figure out where it all belonged. Can't tell you how many calls we got that year asking us to help people find their asses."
"You made that up just to get in that punch line!"
"Nope, hand to God, Hairboy. I'm telling the truth here. Back me up, Rafe."
"All true, Blair. Not that H doesn't get some unholy joy out of telling that story but it really happened that way."
"Cool. So, what do you remember as your weirdest Christmas crime?"
Rafe adjusted his jacket as he settled back in his chair. “There was this inflatable Santa in front of an auto parts place. Two teenagers who were ticked off about an alternator they got from this place which they claim didn't work, put a knife right in Santa's heart. They didn't realize that twelve foot tall Santa was filled with a hell of a lot of air to stand upright the way he did. The resulting boomerang effect from the puncture caused Santa's gift bag to whip around back from over his shoulder into the kid's faces. Knocked one of 'em out cold and the other was dazed enough to still be shaking his head clear of the fog when the units rolled up.”
“So, Santa actually caught the perps after he was, uhm, stabbed?”
“Right in the heart.”
“Cold, man. That's cold, cutting Kris Kringle.”
Banks chuckled. “We also got the store owner on selling parts illegally obtained from chop shops. Those kids really did get cheated on their alternator. Heard the DA went easy on 'em. Joel? How 'bout you go next.”
"I've seen a lot of stuff over the years but I'd say a particular event from two years ago left an impression. Seems some guy who'd had a bit too much Christmas cheer at his office party that afternoon hit a huge candy cane decorating Center Street by City Hall. So, I get there and his front end is embedded inside this paper mache structure and the lights forming the stripes on the cane were starting to smoke from where one end of the wiring for 'em was wrapped around the car battery. Looked like it might blow at any minute."
"So, you diffused a candy cane?"
"You got it."
"Neat. Rhonda?" Sandburg looked at her expectantly.
“Well, back when I was an administrative assistant in Vice about four years ago, they took a woman into custody who'd been visiting her boyfriend at the local penitentiary. Seems she brought him a lovely give for the holidays. Only the envelope was full of pot. She must have thought no one would open the card."
"Heh, thank heavens most criminals are really dumb. How about you, Simon?"
"Well, one year before Detective Ellison graced us with his presence, some older lady runs up with a Christmas card. The, er, inscription inside the blank holiday card was made up of cut out letters and turned out to be a ransom note for her kitty. Named Rudy for Rudolf."
"Sheesh, what happened?"
"Rudolf was found locked in a dog house in the next yard. Just some practical joke by neighborhood kids. Lady used to yell at 'em when they walked on her petunia bed so they got even. But we thought her grandson had been kidnapped at first when she came in here bawling her head off. Said Rudy was missing and we figured it was a grandkid or something. Hey, Jim. You and Jack had that really bizarre kidnapping case the following year, remember?"
"Oh, sure. Sandburg, you've never seen anything like this. Some guy dressed as Santa was driving this motorcycle with a sidecar holding a stuffed Rudolph and some elves. He drives past a school and grabs some little girl from the yard and takes off - a teacher calls us in right away. Said the bike was kinda weaving a bit in traffic too so we checked all the neighborhood bars and found the guy about five miles from the school. He stopped for a drink and the kid called the operator from a payphone saying she didn't want to go to the North Pole with Santa after all, could someone please call her Mommy to come and get her. Operator traced the call and we got him."
Blair shook his head slowly. “I'm starting to look forward to working this holiday, Simon. I mean, Captain. Sir.”
Simon shook his head ruefully. “Keep practicing, kid. It'll start to come. As for Christmas crimes, I think our real moment of glory around here was when a mall owner called us to come arrest his Santa for creating a spectacle in the middle of his largest department store."
"Was he drunk or something?"
"Not precisely. He'd set up a wooden chair with some very special accouterments. There were leg restraints, arm and hand restraints, a leather belt about waist high above the seat and, at the top, a pole with a metal circle to serve as a halo around the head of anyone sitting in that seat."
"Santa was sitting in an electric chair?"
"You got it. Guy claimed it was legal and part of his artistic expression as an 'ack-tor'. A publicity stunt but we couldn't allow it. There were already a couple of teens scaring some of the younger kids with tales of Saint Nick really being on death row and this was the last season ever for presents."
"Not exactly the stuff childhood memories should be made of - wonder what might happen this year?" Blair's eyebrows waggled in enthusiastic anticipation."
"Well, I for one hope for a nice boring week. Oh, that reminds me, Sandburg?"
"Yeah? I mean, yes, Captain Banks?"
"I'd like to approach the heads of Robbery and Vice about having you offer a short lecture about the various cultural factions in Cascade. If you could give us a brief overview of the winter season holidays celebrated by various ethnic groups in the area, it would go a long way to helping us prolong your ride-a-long status. Might also be really useful for us in helping the community cope a bit better with the seasonal stresses that produce some of the crazier incidents we see this time of year."
"Hey, I'd love that, man! Uhm, Sir. Very cool. I'll get my notebook and we can just write a listing of the neighborhoods - I'm not quite familiar with all of them yet - and I'll get cracking on the research."
"Nothing too elaborate, please. Just enough for a general meeting we'll schedule for Monday of next week."
"Oh, sure. Nothing too extensive and I can always add to the information in a booklet form - this is really -." Sandburg's voice petered out as he bounded out into the bullpen to root around in his backback for one of his prized notebooks.
Jim looked heavenward. “Looks like we're done for now, folks.”
Banks removed the unlit cigar from between his teeth. “What's your problem, Ellison? It's Christmas time; we need this information and we've got an anthropologist hanging around, ready willing and able to offer it.”
“Well, Cap, all I can say is that we're goners for sure. You've given Teaching Fellow, Blair Sandburg, blanket permission to break out his weapons of mass instruction.”
Type: Gen, humor
Rating: G
Word Count: ~1561
Warnings/Notes: Anecdotes are based upon actual events reported in the news. Beta'd by Arianna (thanks!) and remaining errors are all mine, unlike the characters.
Author: roslynsmuse
Staff Meeting, Division of Major Crime; December, 1996
"Well Gentlemen, here we are again getting ready for another few weeks of holiday fun here in Cascade. Since Major Crime tends to be slow around now, let's be generous with our time when the overflow starts coming in from Burglary, Vice and Homicide."
"Captain?"
"Yes, Sandburg."
"I get how there's a large increase in crime pertaining to Robbery this time of year and even homicides. But what's with the Vice stuff?"
"Jim, talk to the kid. Let him know how some people like to let off a bit of , er, steam this time of year, even if it moves them way, way down on Santa's list."
"Well, Sir, I don't think the Birds and Bees talk is precisely needed here. Salt peter perhaps but-"
"Funny, guys. Really cute. It's a legitimate question!" Blair assumed a rather put upon expression but no one was fooled for a second.
Banks sighed. "Basically anything goes. We've already had a call this morning about a B&E by a Santa carrying an AK 47."
"Gotta guard that sleigh, Captain."
"Well, Brown, that was a given with all the rounds he had draped over him. Pancho Villa would have admired that outfit."
Blair blinked in amazement. "An AK 47? That's some serious shit, er sorry. Guess you ought to keep that out of the minutes, right Rhonda? Hey, last year I spent most of the holidays grading papers. Can you fill me in on the real basics of what all goes on around here Christmas week?"
Banks mulled that over briefly. "Well, we've got 20 minutes left to the staff meeting. Okay, each of you gets to tell one tale - Ah Ah Ah! Just one, so choose your favorite. Brown, you go first."
"Well, my personal favorite was Mrs. Huntington. She was a sweet thing of about seventy and went around the neighborhood collecting nativity dolls. Wound up with around a dozen baby Jesus', twenty Marys and she had a real fondness for donkeys. Right after midnight, she packed 'em all up and dropped them off at a Church rectory. Priest called us up to collect the stuff and figure out where it all belonged. Can't tell you how many calls we got that year asking us to help people find their asses."
"You made that up just to get in that punch line!"
"Nope, hand to God, Hairboy. I'm telling the truth here. Back me up, Rafe."
"All true, Blair. Not that H doesn't get some unholy joy out of telling that story but it really happened that way."
"Cool. So, what do you remember as your weirdest Christmas crime?"
Rafe adjusted his jacket as he settled back in his chair. “There was this inflatable Santa in front of an auto parts place. Two teenagers who were ticked off about an alternator they got from this place which they claim didn't work, put a knife right in Santa's heart. They didn't realize that twelve foot tall Santa was filled with a hell of a lot of air to stand upright the way he did. The resulting boomerang effect from the puncture caused Santa's gift bag to whip around back from over his shoulder into the kid's faces. Knocked one of 'em out cold and the other was dazed enough to still be shaking his head clear of the fog when the units rolled up.”
“So, Santa actually caught the perps after he was, uhm, stabbed?”
“Right in the heart.”
“Cold, man. That's cold, cutting Kris Kringle.”
Banks chuckled. “We also got the store owner on selling parts illegally obtained from chop shops. Those kids really did get cheated on their alternator. Heard the DA went easy on 'em. Joel? How 'bout you go next.”
"I've seen a lot of stuff over the years but I'd say a particular event from two years ago left an impression. Seems some guy who'd had a bit too much Christmas cheer at his office party that afternoon hit a huge candy cane decorating Center Street by City Hall. So, I get there and his front end is embedded inside this paper mache structure and the lights forming the stripes on the cane were starting to smoke from where one end of the wiring for 'em was wrapped around the car battery. Looked like it might blow at any minute."
"So, you diffused a candy cane?"
"You got it."
"Neat. Rhonda?" Sandburg looked at her expectantly.
“Well, back when I was an administrative assistant in Vice about four years ago, they took a woman into custody who'd been visiting her boyfriend at the local penitentiary. Seems she brought him a lovely give for the holidays. Only the envelope was full of pot. She must have thought no one would open the card."
"Heh, thank heavens most criminals are really dumb. How about you, Simon?"
"Well, one year before Detective Ellison graced us with his presence, some older lady runs up with a Christmas card. The, er, inscription inside the blank holiday card was made up of cut out letters and turned out to be a ransom note for her kitty. Named Rudy for Rudolf."
"Sheesh, what happened?"
"Rudolf was found locked in a dog house in the next yard. Just some practical joke by neighborhood kids. Lady used to yell at 'em when they walked on her petunia bed so they got even. But we thought her grandson had been kidnapped at first when she came in here bawling her head off. Said Rudy was missing and we figured it was a grandkid or something. Hey, Jim. You and Jack had that really bizarre kidnapping case the following year, remember?"
"Oh, sure. Sandburg, you've never seen anything like this. Some guy dressed as Santa was driving this motorcycle with a sidecar holding a stuffed Rudolph and some elves. He drives past a school and grabs some little girl from the yard and takes off - a teacher calls us in right away. Said the bike was kinda weaving a bit in traffic too so we checked all the neighborhood bars and found the guy about five miles from the school. He stopped for a drink and the kid called the operator from a payphone saying she didn't want to go to the North Pole with Santa after all, could someone please call her Mommy to come and get her. Operator traced the call and we got him."
Blair shook his head slowly. “I'm starting to look forward to working this holiday, Simon. I mean, Captain. Sir.”
Simon shook his head ruefully. “Keep practicing, kid. It'll start to come. As for Christmas crimes, I think our real moment of glory around here was when a mall owner called us to come arrest his Santa for creating a spectacle in the middle of his largest department store."
"Was he drunk or something?"
"Not precisely. He'd set up a wooden chair with some very special accouterments. There were leg restraints, arm and hand restraints, a leather belt about waist high above the seat and, at the top, a pole with a metal circle to serve as a halo around the head of anyone sitting in that seat."
"Santa was sitting in an electric chair?"
"You got it. Guy claimed it was legal and part of his artistic expression as an 'ack-tor'. A publicity stunt but we couldn't allow it. There were already a couple of teens scaring some of the younger kids with tales of Saint Nick really being on death row and this was the last season ever for presents."
"Not exactly the stuff childhood memories should be made of - wonder what might happen this year?" Blair's eyebrows waggled in enthusiastic anticipation."
"Well, I for one hope for a nice boring week. Oh, that reminds me, Sandburg?"
"Yeah? I mean, yes, Captain Banks?"
"I'd like to approach the heads of Robbery and Vice about having you offer a short lecture about the various cultural factions in Cascade. If you could give us a brief overview of the winter season holidays celebrated by various ethnic groups in the area, it would go a long way to helping us prolong your ride-a-long status. Might also be really useful for us in helping the community cope a bit better with the seasonal stresses that produce some of the crazier incidents we see this time of year."
"Hey, I'd love that, man! Uhm, Sir. Very cool. I'll get my notebook and we can just write a listing of the neighborhoods - I'm not quite familiar with all of them yet - and I'll get cracking on the research."
"Nothing too elaborate, please. Just enough for a general meeting we'll schedule for Monday of next week."
"Oh, sure. Nothing too extensive and I can always add to the information in a booklet form - this is really -." Sandburg's voice petered out as he bounded out into the bullpen to root around in his backback for one of his prized notebooks.
Jim looked heavenward. “Looks like we're done for now, folks.”
Banks removed the unlit cigar from between his teeth. “What's your problem, Ellison? It's Christmas time; we need this information and we've got an anthropologist hanging around, ready willing and able to offer it.”
“Well, Cap, all I can say is that we're goners for sure. You've given Teaching Fellow, Blair Sandburg, blanket permission to break out his weapons of mass instruction.”