..don't waste your time on me.. you're already the voice inside my head.. (I miss you...)
Ha. One day and I already miss him. I don't know what I feel anymore. I know there's an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness but it's been eroded into some weird numbness. A morphene kind of numb where I know what's going on but can hardly react anymore and often react in unexpected ways...
..like anger.
Am I supposed to feel anger? Am I really supposed to sit here and think, "God.. what an asshole he is for just leaving like this," .. 'cause I've thought that. I already lost so many people that I cared for and is this supposed to be the icing on the cake? I figured he'd never leave like this. What a strange feeling it is to have to.. so abruptly.. accept his inevitable mortality... to accept everyone around me having to die sooner or later. Including myself.
What is that? Is this some kind of cruel, unusual joke? We're here... and we'll die... just the same as anyone else. It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor - everyone dies and there's no telling how or when.
I had a dream about him last night. Well.. actually.. I had a lot of them. It was like a series of flashbacks. I never experienced a flashback before. It was strange. They're not black and white like in the movies though. They're vivid... then came things that never happened...
I was trying to open my locker and it was giving me trouble like always. He steps in front of me and opens it for me and has the biggest smartass smirk on his face. "Have a little more patience next time."
The next one was stranger.
I'm apparently going out with friends and I'm walking up the driveway to meet with them and in my dream, my driveway's super long. So I'm walking up and then he starts walking beside me, kicking rocks and stuff. I tell him to stop kicking the rocks 'cause they keep hitting me and stuff around us and he's like "Take it easy. They're only little dents." so I relent and we keep walking and then he goes to climb the tree in my yard... which is actually pretty small in life but in this dream it's ... fucking huge. So I tell him to get down before he breaks one of the branches and sure enough, he falls out. I go over and his leg's bleeding so I rip his pant leg open to see what the damage is and.. it's not bleeding anymore. He says, "Thanks" and then I woke up...
He better not pull stupid shit with me. Dreams and such. I got those with Carla mostly. I don't want to be 'haunted' or whatever the word for it should be. I want to feel like he's around but not in an eerie kind of way.
I don't know what the fuck to do. Sometimes I can smile and it's okay... and other times I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe and I'm so sure I'll pass out any moment. And other times like this where I'm just.. numb. It doesn't hurt.. or maybe it hurts so much that I don't know the difference.
I'm glad for a snow day. I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone to school anyway but at least I'm not missing anything in school...
...
I listen to the song he left me in a comment recently. I listen to it over and over and I can almost hear him singing it... way off-key. Especially one certain part.. I know him so well.
The song says it all.
(Anonymous)
2004-12-30 07:12 (link) Select
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong and falling down on your knees asking for sympathy and being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen and trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you.
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes cause when you showed me myself you know I became someone else. But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need. I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, but you can't keep awake.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you.
Oh I don't know anymore what it's for. I'm not even sure if there is anyone who is in the sun. Will you help me to understand? Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need. Oh maybe you're not even sure what it's for anymore than me.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you always.
-Keith
..like anger.
Am I supposed to feel anger? Am I really supposed to sit here and think, "God.. what an asshole he is for just leaving like this," .. 'cause I've thought that. I already lost so many people that I cared for and is this supposed to be the icing on the cake? I figured he'd never leave like this. What a strange feeling it is to have to.. so abruptly.. accept his inevitable mortality... to accept everyone around me having to die sooner or later. Including myself.
What is that? Is this some kind of cruel, unusual joke? We're here... and we'll die... just the same as anyone else. It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor - everyone dies and there's no telling how or when.
I had a dream about him last night. Well.. actually.. I had a lot of them. It was like a series of flashbacks. I never experienced a flashback before. It was strange. They're not black and white like in the movies though. They're vivid... then came things that never happened...
I was trying to open my locker and it was giving me trouble like always. He steps in front of me and opens it for me and has the biggest smartass smirk on his face. "Have a little more patience next time."
The next one was stranger.
I'm apparently going out with friends and I'm walking up the driveway to meet with them and in my dream, my driveway's super long. So I'm walking up and then he starts walking beside me, kicking rocks and stuff. I tell him to stop kicking the rocks 'cause they keep hitting me and stuff around us and he's like "Take it easy. They're only little dents." so I relent and we keep walking and then he goes to climb the tree in my yard... which is actually pretty small in life but in this dream it's ... fucking huge. So I tell him to get down before he breaks one of the branches and sure enough, he falls out. I go over and his leg's bleeding so I rip his pant leg open to see what the damage is and.. it's not bleeding anymore. He says, "Thanks" and then I woke up...
He better not pull stupid shit with me. Dreams and such. I got those with Carla mostly. I don't want to be 'haunted' or whatever the word for it should be. I want to feel like he's around but not in an eerie kind of way.
I don't know what the fuck to do. Sometimes I can smile and it's okay... and other times I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe and I'm so sure I'll pass out any moment. And other times like this where I'm just.. numb. It doesn't hurt.. or maybe it hurts so much that I don't know the difference.
I'm glad for a snow day. I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone to school anyway but at least I'm not missing anything in school...
...
I listen to the song he left me in a comment recently. I listen to it over and over and I can almost hear him singing it... way off-key. Especially one certain part.. I know him so well.
The song says it all.
(Anonymous)
2004-12-30 07:12 (link) Select
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong and falling down on your knees asking for sympathy and being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen and trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you.
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes cause when you showed me myself you know I became someone else. But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need. I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, but you can't keep awake.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you.
Oh I don't know anymore what it's for. I'm not even sure if there is anyone who is in the sun. Will you help me to understand? Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need. Oh maybe you're not even sure what it's for anymore than me.
May God's love be with you always. May God's love be with you always.
-Keith