Sacrificing the Queen
Sometimes when you are playing chess it becomes necessary to sacrifice your queen to win the game.
And sometimes in the course of a relationship it becomes necessary to step back and out of "the game" to have a chance of winning, though like in chess, you still may lose.
I came to a very hard decision yesterday and intend to follow through with it. My BF, Jeff, has a family that takes over involvement to a whole new level. While they probably have the best of intentions in mind, those intentions pave their way to a small Michigan town about 45 minutes northwest of Ann Arbor (the name of the road is actually "Darwin Rd." No shit. Ask anyone who is familiar with Hell and they will confirm it.).
It's bad enough when a family is manipulating one of their own to get their way. When it actually leads the kids that they are the main target of above mentioned "good intentions" to have split loyalties it's damnable.
Phone conversations amongst themselves are heard by small ears. 12 year olds make statements in language not their own (you are ignoring your family, you focus only on HER).
As most of you who read this know I am very willing to walk the walk and follow my own advice.
After hearing Jeff have it out again with his sister and be put in yet another double bind (no win situation for you non-psych types) I told him that I was tired of being utilized as a tool to manipulate him because the kids are being caught in the middle and hurt the most.
So I have suggested a minimum of a 2 week "break" so that his family will have to find another excuse for why he is making his own decisions and sticking by them. And his daughter will have reinforced that not getting her way does not mean her dad isn't listening to her.
It's been sad to see the girl get excited and want to go to do an activity with me then see her glance toward another family member and check their reaction. It's even sadder when they make some fuss and she changes her mind.
The breaking point yesterday involved planning for the daughter. Jeff has enrolled kids in a new school because they are moving. The school, being brand spanking new, had an ice cream social planned so parents and kids could come in and see the place and meet some folks. Jeff planned on asking his sister (who was returning the kids from a summer with her) if she could drive her as he would be at work. If she couldn't do it he planned on asking me.
Unbeknownst to him his daughter was invited to a friend's party the night before. Permission was granted by the sister. When plans were revealed on the phone yesterday the daughter wanted to go to the social as she is excited to go to a new school.
But the aunt jumps in yelling that she can't back out on her friend and the girl decides that she doesn't want to go because of what the aunt has said.
Jeff makes arrangements for her to do both the social and the party involving me driving as the aunt can't due to a prior commitment. He calls back and starts to explain things to the daughter and she starts screaming at him that she doesn't want me there and she wants to go to the friend's party.
The aunt doesn't feel it is necessary to jump in and tell her it's inappropriate to scream at her dad even after the child says "she has a right to scream at him."
I find this appalling.
To the aunt/sister Jeff should have told them about the ice cream social...which he wanted to keep as a surprise. In Jeff and my mind, he doesn't really need to run plans for his kids by the rest of the family and school related things take precedent and he was finding a way to accommodate both plans. Oh...and perhaps giving permission to go to a party should be headed up with "As long as it's okay with your dad."
MY mind is in cahoots with Jeff's and added that if the friend's party couldn't be accommodated a simple "I'm sorry, but my father had plans involving my new school so I can't make it after all." This is not considered rude in the adult world or the kids' world and teaches her how to deal with these very common situations. (After meeting the friend's father today I'm guessing they would have been fine with that as would the friend.)
I see the pattern pretty clearly. The child has a great time with me. Then she spends alone time around the rest of the family and suddenly she doesn't want me around, I'm around too much, dad's focused on me too much, he's not paying attention to his family.
One time she complained about be being around all the time and I hadn't been there in 3 weeks.
Try to stress to the family that Jeff is actually spending most of his time at one of his two jobs, or working on buying a house, or enrolling the kids in school and they think he's lying.
So I've told Jeff I am backing out of the picture for awhile.
And today when I went to pick the kids up for the ice cream social and be part of something simple being turned into something slightly less complex than the Landing on Omaha Beach I had a showdown with the sister.
I let her know that I would be stepping out of the picture and they would have to come up with another excuse why Jeff wouldn't do their bidding because the kids were getting caught in the middle and getting hurt. Yes...in those words.
I explained some things to her. She denied knowledge I knew she had. I explained more. She stated Jeff should inform his family of stuff that isn't their business. I called her and them on hypocritical behavior and didn't back down. I explained that I wasn't the type to back down because I have self-esteem and am willing to back out for the good of the kids and Jeff.
And I didn't scream. I didn't use foul language. I did point out that maybe they didn't realize what they were doing was manipulative. I pointed out that sometimes when we don't spend as much time with our siblings talking that our mind assumes they are like they were when they last saw them a lot (In Jeff's case, in crisis).
And I said that Jeff needs to be able to make decisions on his own and not do the planning around him.
She had to leave at that point.
I then apologized to the kids for having to hear that because I knew that it was uncomfortable for them.
Later I explained to the kids that I wouldn't be around for awhile. I explained it wasn't because of them. I explained that the family had some problems communicating with each other and that people were getting confused. I explained that they were getting caught in the middle and they shouldn't have to worry about hurting somebody's feelings for wanting to do something (go on a trip with me, not have me around, etc.) I explained that I didn't want to see them get hurt.
I told Jeff a long time ago that I would never make him choose between his family and me but I could make that decision to back out if I saw it was bad for the kids, me or him.
And that time has come. And it sucks. And it hurts. And it's not fair.
But I seem to be the only one who understands that we can't always have things go the way we want in our lives.
And another shot of my dream of having a family of my own may be swirling down the toilet again. But I have my chosen family (that includes blood relations for me as I feel no law makes you have to accept somebody based only on genetics).
And who knows? Maybe this will all work out. Maybe the kids being back under Jeff's roof and being on a real schedule will help things. I can hope but I can't count on it.
And for anyone thinking, "I can't believe she's backing away from these people" remember: Not leaving out of stubbornness is still letting them control my actions. When I say I have the kids interests in the front I mean it.
I hope that this will lead to a "smothered mate" (a chess term...not a Law & Order plot) and not a loss of the game.
And sometimes in the course of a relationship it becomes necessary to step back and out of "the game" to have a chance of winning, though like in chess, you still may lose.
I came to a very hard decision yesterday and intend to follow through with it. My BF, Jeff, has a family that takes over involvement to a whole new level. While they probably have the best of intentions in mind, those intentions pave their way to a small Michigan town about 45 minutes northwest of Ann Arbor (the name of the road is actually "Darwin Rd." No shit. Ask anyone who is familiar with Hell and they will confirm it.).
It's bad enough when a family is manipulating one of their own to get their way. When it actually leads the kids that they are the main target of above mentioned "good intentions" to have split loyalties it's damnable.
Phone conversations amongst themselves are heard by small ears. 12 year olds make statements in language not their own (you are ignoring your family, you focus only on HER).
As most of you who read this know I am very willing to walk the walk and follow my own advice.
After hearing Jeff have it out again with his sister and be put in yet another double bind (no win situation for you non-psych types) I told him that I was tired of being utilized as a tool to manipulate him because the kids are being caught in the middle and hurt the most.
So I have suggested a minimum of a 2 week "break" so that his family will have to find another excuse for why he is making his own decisions and sticking by them. And his daughter will have reinforced that not getting her way does not mean her dad isn't listening to her.
It's been sad to see the girl get excited and want to go to do an activity with me then see her glance toward another family member and check their reaction. It's even sadder when they make some fuss and she changes her mind.
The breaking point yesterday involved planning for the daughter. Jeff has enrolled kids in a new school because they are moving. The school, being brand spanking new, had an ice cream social planned so parents and kids could come in and see the place and meet some folks. Jeff planned on asking his sister (who was returning the kids from a summer with her) if she could drive her as he would be at work. If she couldn't do it he planned on asking me.
Unbeknownst to him his daughter was invited to a friend's party the night before. Permission was granted by the sister. When plans were revealed on the phone yesterday the daughter wanted to go to the social as she is excited to go to a new school.
But the aunt jumps in yelling that she can't back out on her friend and the girl decides that she doesn't want to go because of what the aunt has said.
Jeff makes arrangements for her to do both the social and the party involving me driving as the aunt can't due to a prior commitment. He calls back and starts to explain things to the daughter and she starts screaming at him that she doesn't want me there and she wants to go to the friend's party.
The aunt doesn't feel it is necessary to jump in and tell her it's inappropriate to scream at her dad even after the child says "she has a right to scream at him."
I find this appalling.
To the aunt/sister Jeff should have told them about the ice cream social...which he wanted to keep as a surprise. In Jeff and my mind, he doesn't really need to run plans for his kids by the rest of the family and school related things take precedent and he was finding a way to accommodate both plans. Oh...and perhaps giving permission to go to a party should be headed up with "As long as it's okay with your dad."
MY mind is in cahoots with Jeff's and added that if the friend's party couldn't be accommodated a simple "I'm sorry, but my father had plans involving my new school so I can't make it after all." This is not considered rude in the adult world or the kids' world and teaches her how to deal with these very common situations. (After meeting the friend's father today I'm guessing they would have been fine with that as would the friend.)
I see the pattern pretty clearly. The child has a great time with me. Then she spends alone time around the rest of the family and suddenly she doesn't want me around, I'm around too much, dad's focused on me too much, he's not paying attention to his family.
One time she complained about be being around all the time and I hadn't been there in 3 weeks.
Try to stress to the family that Jeff is actually spending most of his time at one of his two jobs, or working on buying a house, or enrolling the kids in school and they think he's lying.
So I've told Jeff I am backing out of the picture for awhile.
And today when I went to pick the kids up for the ice cream social and be part of something simple being turned into something slightly less complex than the Landing on Omaha Beach I had a showdown with the sister.
I let her know that I would be stepping out of the picture and they would have to come up with another excuse why Jeff wouldn't do their bidding because the kids were getting caught in the middle and getting hurt. Yes...in those words.
I explained some things to her. She denied knowledge I knew she had. I explained more. She stated Jeff should inform his family of stuff that isn't their business. I called her and them on hypocritical behavior and didn't back down. I explained that I wasn't the type to back down because I have self-esteem and am willing to back out for the good of the kids and Jeff.
And I didn't scream. I didn't use foul language. I did point out that maybe they didn't realize what they were doing was manipulative. I pointed out that sometimes when we don't spend as much time with our siblings talking that our mind assumes they are like they were when they last saw them a lot (In Jeff's case, in crisis).
And I said that Jeff needs to be able to make decisions on his own and not do the planning around him.
She had to leave at that point.
I then apologized to the kids for having to hear that because I knew that it was uncomfortable for them.
Later I explained to the kids that I wouldn't be around for awhile. I explained it wasn't because of them. I explained that the family had some problems communicating with each other and that people were getting confused. I explained that they were getting caught in the middle and they shouldn't have to worry about hurting somebody's feelings for wanting to do something (go on a trip with me, not have me around, etc.) I explained that I didn't want to see them get hurt.
I told Jeff a long time ago that I would never make him choose between his family and me but I could make that decision to back out if I saw it was bad for the kids, me or him.
And that time has come. And it sucks. And it hurts. And it's not fair.
But I seem to be the only one who understands that we can't always have things go the way we want in our lives.
And another shot of my dream of having a family of my own may be swirling down the toilet again. But I have my chosen family (that includes blood relations for me as I feel no law makes you have to accept somebody based only on genetics).
And who knows? Maybe this will all work out. Maybe the kids being back under Jeff's roof and being on a real schedule will help things. I can hope but I can't count on it.
And for anyone thinking, "I can't believe she's backing away from these people" remember: Not leaving out of stubbornness is still letting them control my actions. When I say I have the kids interests in the front I mean it.
I hope that this will lead to a "smothered mate" (a chess term...not a Law & Order plot) and not a loss of the game.