bike ride in the rain
bike ride went well... I was able to blow alot of steam off... which was good and exactly what I needed... It is really starting to frustrates me that just when you think maybe you can trust a person or are really starting to get to know them that they disappear. I don't know... It's just annoying I guess...
Not good with expressing my feelings or anything, so over all today has been tough. I just realyl want to fly off the pan handle on my mother, but I won't do that, it wouldn't be nice... but I'm frustrated I respect and honor the woman to death... but there are just soem things that I think are just a little too harsh like today. But it's oaky I'll take the consequences that come my way...
On the note of not being able to express my feelings... It's the same way when I met new people... It's really hard for me, I get shy and scared and sometimes just outright mean... I don't know though, the other day seemed different... I felt like I could trust this person, that they were okay and that they could really be like a new close friend... like the way things are with Whit, Steph, Jones, Eric, Shawtann, Patrick and I... I don't know. I've got a different friendship/realationship-thingy with each of them. They all hold a special place in my heart... Now that I've got them it's so hard to let them go, it's so hard for me to try and "share them"... They are simply some of the most amazing people in my life. I would feel scared wiht out them... I feel incredibly blessed to know each of them... more than you will ever believe too... It's like those six people I could tell anything to, absolutely anything. Some of them I've known for a few years, others for like 4 or 5... but no matter what I can always turn to them. I can tell them absolutely ANYTHING. I just thought I found that the other day, I really did, because it's always nice to knwo taht you've got another person on your side rooting for you to win and succeed... I have obviously been very highly mistaken by this, and I don't really plan on doing anything more, I don't really want to fix it but I don't want it to just go away like I know it will... (Jay doesn't count in this, he of course applies to all of this and then-some) I guess to say it lightly I feel like I've been led on to a false friendship... And more than that makes me mad it hurts me, it hurts me a lot... and I wish that one person would really know how much that does hurt me, because I don't think they even have a clue right now as to how I'm feeling... And even if they did know, I'm not too sure they'd even care... next point of this entry.
Right now I really miss Jay. I've not seen him in a little while and I wish I could. I wish that there was some way before Sunday that I could see him. That I could get one of those absolutely amazing heart warming hugs, or that little kiss when I rest my head on his shoulder. I tell ya it's the little things. Like at night before I hang up the phone he'll softly say that he loves me... These past few weeks have been rough not seeing him all the time like we're both so used to...I love him so much that it hurts at times. I could go on for days about Jay and how happy I am, but I'll save ya'll from it for now.
I just wish people would understand me. I wish they would get that you can't pretend to be my friend one day and the next forget that i even exist. It's just that, that will rip me apart and absolutely kill me. For those of you who read my journal, plesase remember that... and don't just be my friend because you feel bad or don't want to hurt me. It's just right now I feel very hurt and some what used... I'm not gona stop being who I am though. I just felt like there was a friendship there... I felt like I could trust this person... and right now it's tearing me apart inside, and unlike what i'd usually do, i'm letting it tear me apart. Because right now, I just don't care anymore... It hurts too much to care about anyone else but my family, my closest friends, Jay, and myself...So I give up, I surrender, here's my white flag flying in the wind because I'm done.
Peace.
Heros:
-Patrick
-Jay
-Eric
-John
You took all there was to take,
And left with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it
And I, I’ve given up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care,
Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now,
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Do you have everything you want?
You can get up and give everything you`ve got
You can’t run away from yourself
Not good with expressing my feelings or anything, so over all today has been tough. I just realyl want to fly off the pan handle on my mother, but I won't do that, it wouldn't be nice... but I'm frustrated I respect and honor the woman to death... but there are just soem things that I think are just a little too harsh like today. But it's oaky I'll take the consequences that come my way...
On the note of not being able to express my feelings... It's the same way when I met new people... It's really hard for me, I get shy and scared and sometimes just outright mean... I don't know though, the other day seemed different... I felt like I could trust this person, that they were okay and that they could really be like a new close friend... like the way things are with Whit, Steph, Jones, Eric, Shawtann, Patrick and I... I don't know. I've got a different friendship/realationship-thingy with each of them. They all hold a special place in my heart... Now that I've got them it's so hard to let them go, it's so hard for me to try and "share them"... They are simply some of the most amazing people in my life. I would feel scared wiht out them... I feel incredibly blessed to know each of them... more than you will ever believe too... It's like those six people I could tell anything to, absolutely anything. Some of them I've known for a few years, others for like 4 or 5... but no matter what I can always turn to them. I can tell them absolutely ANYTHING. I just thought I found that the other day, I really did, because it's always nice to knwo taht you've got another person on your side rooting for you to win and succeed... I have obviously been very highly mistaken by this, and I don't really plan on doing anything more, I don't really want to fix it but I don't want it to just go away like I know it will... (Jay doesn't count in this, he of course applies to all of this and then-some) I guess to say it lightly I feel like I've been led on to a false friendship... And more than that makes me mad it hurts me, it hurts me a lot... and I wish that one person would really know how much that does hurt me, because I don't think they even have a clue right now as to how I'm feeling... And even if they did know, I'm not too sure they'd even care... next point of this entry.
Right now I really miss Jay. I've not seen him in a little while and I wish I could. I wish that there was some way before Sunday that I could see him. That I could get one of those absolutely amazing heart warming hugs, or that little kiss when I rest my head on his shoulder. I tell ya it's the little things. Like at night before I hang up the phone he'll softly say that he loves me... These past few weeks have been rough not seeing him all the time like we're both so used to...I love him so much that it hurts at times. I could go on for days about Jay and how happy I am, but I'll save ya'll from it for now.
I just wish people would understand me. I wish they would get that you can't pretend to be my friend one day and the next forget that i even exist. It's just that, that will rip me apart and absolutely kill me. For those of you who read my journal, plesase remember that... and don't just be my friend because you feel bad or don't want to hurt me. It's just right now I feel very hurt and some what used... I'm not gona stop being who I am though. I just felt like there was a friendship there... I felt like I could trust this person... and right now it's tearing me apart inside, and unlike what i'd usually do, i'm letting it tear me apart. Because right now, I just don't care anymore... It hurts too much to care about anyone else but my family, my closest friends, Jay, and myself...So I give up, I surrender, here's my white flag flying in the wind because I'm done.
Peace.
Heros:
-Patrick
-Jay
-Eric
-John
You took all there was to take,
And left with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it
And I, I’ve given up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care,
Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now,
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Do you have everything you want?
You can get up and give everything you`ve got
You can’t run away from yourself