Not surviving well...
Sunday night and I feel like my weekend was a blur. Friday I had an "emergency" appt. with Dr. Thakur because I hate feeling so angry all the time. She ordered blood work and EKG so she can put me on Lithium to help with the rage. I think I am about to give up! I want to give up because all I am in mad or exhausted.
Jim pushes my buttons on a daily basis and apparantly he didn't marry me for better or WORSE. Apparantly is was just for the better part of life. I try to just stay quiet but he always has his assholeish comments. Like when I went for a drive and he said I was getting stoned. I made dinner tonight and dessert and I was just feeling awful. I went outside after dinner cause everyone was out in the road throwing the football around and he pointed down the road and told me to get. So I went for a drive. I told him I was gonna go get another tattoo and he said, I figured you were gonna go see your tattoo boyfriend. GEESH! Are you kidding me???? I never talk about girls like he does guys. He flirts with tons of girls and sells cars that way, I don't say shit about that.
If I had no kids I would not be here living in this hell hole! If he had something wrong with him and I knew it, I would kiss his ass just so he would feel good. I mean seriously, I just have to make it until Weds. when I go see my doctor again with all my results so she can start me on the Lithium.
Does he have any idea how scarry it is to know my brain is messed up and at any moment I could snap, not even help it! Does he have any idea how hard it is to feel this way when all ya want to feel is happiness and love! Does he have any idea how much of a daily fight it is just to function!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT STAND FEELING THIS WAY! I CANNOT STAND FEELING BLANK, MAD, SAD, FIGHTING PISSED, AND THEN SOMETIMES HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I AM TOO NUMB TO DO SO!