purge.
So I haven't been eating well for the past two days:
Yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal and some Tostitos and salsa.
Today I ate a bowl of cereal, a few crackers with some cheese, and 1/2 slice of pizza that was about 2 inches wide.
And after I ate the pizza, I purged.
I have not made myself throw up since I was in high school - I'm talking 6 or 7 years ago. And even then, I only did it once or twice.
I don't know why I did it tonight.
I just got an urge to, and I didn't even think about it.
I didn't even think about it.
I just did it.
I went to the bathroom, turned on the fan and the shower, and threw up.
I came back into the bedroom, chatted with my boyfriend, then decided to take a shower.
While in the shower, I made myself throw up again.
It isn't fun. It is absolutely disgusting.
I know that's a given.
Afterall, I'm making myself puke.
And still - the human mind fucks with us so much that we do crazy shit and we don't even seem to think there's anything wrong with it.
Now my throat and mouth are sore.
The ironic part:
Last night my boyfriend sat down with me and told me that he was concerned about me.
That my eating patterns have begun to change again.
That he really doesn't want to see me go down that path again.
That he loves me, cares for me, and is worried about me.
I had a mental breakdown.
I couldn't stop crying.
I told him everything -
My urges to cut every single night while he's asleep.
My horrific thoughs of downing all of my prescriptions.
And after I stopped crying, I went numb.
I felt as though I had literally lost my mind.
I paced the room.
I couldn't reply when he was talking to me.
I literally did not have the energy to open my mouth.
I was lost.
Completely lost.
And here I am tonight.
Making myself vomit.
What have I become?
Yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal and some Tostitos and salsa.
Today I ate a bowl of cereal, a few crackers with some cheese, and 1/2 slice of pizza that was about 2 inches wide.
And after I ate the pizza, I purged.
I have not made myself throw up since I was in high school - I'm talking 6 or 7 years ago. And even then, I only did it once or twice.
I don't know why I did it tonight.
I just got an urge to, and I didn't even think about it.
I didn't even think about it.
I just did it.
I went to the bathroom, turned on the fan and the shower, and threw up.
I came back into the bedroom, chatted with my boyfriend, then decided to take a shower.
While in the shower, I made myself throw up again.
It isn't fun. It is absolutely disgusting.
I know that's a given.
Afterall, I'm making myself puke.
And still - the human mind fucks with us so much that we do crazy shit and we don't even seem to think there's anything wrong with it.
Now my throat and mouth are sore.
The ironic part:
Last night my boyfriend sat down with me and told me that he was concerned about me.
That my eating patterns have begun to change again.
That he really doesn't want to see me go down that path again.
That he loves me, cares for me, and is worried about me.
I had a mental breakdown.
I couldn't stop crying.
I told him everything -
My urges to cut every single night while he's asleep.
My horrific thoughs of downing all of my prescriptions.
And after I stopped crying, I went numb.
I felt as though I had literally lost my mind.
I paced the room.
I couldn't reply when he was talking to me.
I literally did not have the energy to open my mouth.
I was lost.
Completely lost.
And here I am tonight.
Making myself vomit.
What have I become?