Good news, bad news...
So the good news is that I actually started working on my paper today! Okay, so I didn't officially start writing it, but I did spend two and a half hours researching it, reading books about it, etc. I'm extremely proud of myself for even doing that. But I'm still really fucking stressed out.
The bad news is that I am extremely depressed right now, and I'm not too sure why. I just want to cut. Cut cut cut cut cut. It would be SO easy, too. My boyfriend is sound asleep. There is nothing and no one to stop me - except for myself. I can't give in. I can't let myself give in. It has been 419 days. I CANNOT slip up. But that's all it would be, right? A slip-up? One slip-up isn't too bad...YES IT IS! One slip-up means more slip-ups, which means spiraling downhill into cutting every day several times a day all over again. But it would feel so fucking good. The pain, the pleasure, the numbness, the release - seeing it, feeling it. I could practice my rituals all over again. I COULD HAVE CONTROL. I am SO fucking tired of feeling out of control. Cutting is the one thing that made me feel IN control. It helped calm me down when I was angry, numb me when I was depressed. Oh how I miss my sweet, evil pleasure.
SEE?!?! DO YOU NOW SEE WHO I AM? I am so fucking conflicted, constantly waging a war against myself: To cut or not cut? To purge or not purge? To eat or not eat? To sleep or not sleep? To go to class or not go to class? To drink or not drink? To take Klonopin or not take Klonopin? To beat myself or not beat myself? The list could go on for-fucking-ever. I feel like two different people just constantly FIGHTING. When the fuck will these bad thoughts go away? NEVER.
When can it ever be: "Oh, I never want to cut myself again. I never have the urge to make myself throw up. Why would I want to get drunk to numb the pain? That's not healthy. Taking Klonopin to make the feelings go away isn't healthy, either. Hitting myself is just a replacement for cutting. These aren't good things. I won't think about them or do them ever again."
HA! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh if only this were a perfect world...but then we wouldn't be the people that we are. We'd all be slaves and robots to society. Sometimes I think I'd rather be a fucking slave to society than a fat, depressed, worthless, fucked-up piece of SHIT.
The knives in the kitchen are right around the corner. The razor is just in the bathroom. The three exacto knives are in the bedroom.
Oh the choices.
I won't give in. I won't give in. I won't give in.
I can't.....
I feel so fucking alone.
The bad news is that I am extremely depressed right now, and I'm not too sure why. I just want to cut. Cut cut cut cut cut. It would be SO easy, too. My boyfriend is sound asleep. There is nothing and no one to stop me - except for myself. I can't give in. I can't let myself give in. It has been 419 days. I CANNOT slip up. But that's all it would be, right? A slip-up? One slip-up isn't too bad...YES IT IS! One slip-up means more slip-ups, which means spiraling downhill into cutting every day several times a day all over again. But it would feel so fucking good. The pain, the pleasure, the numbness, the release - seeing it, feeling it. I could practice my rituals all over again. I COULD HAVE CONTROL. I am SO fucking tired of feeling out of control. Cutting is the one thing that made me feel IN control. It helped calm me down when I was angry, numb me when I was depressed. Oh how I miss my sweet, evil pleasure.
SEE?!?! DO YOU NOW SEE WHO I AM? I am so fucking conflicted, constantly waging a war against myself: To cut or not cut? To purge or not purge? To eat or not eat? To sleep or not sleep? To go to class or not go to class? To drink or not drink? To take Klonopin or not take Klonopin? To beat myself or not beat myself? The list could go on for-fucking-ever. I feel like two different people just constantly FIGHTING. When the fuck will these bad thoughts go away? NEVER.
When can it ever be: "Oh, I never want to cut myself again. I never have the urge to make myself throw up. Why would I want to get drunk to numb the pain? That's not healthy. Taking Klonopin to make the feelings go away isn't healthy, either. Hitting myself is just a replacement for cutting. These aren't good things. I won't think about them or do them ever again."
HA! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh if only this were a perfect world...but then we wouldn't be the people that we are. We'd all be slaves and robots to society. Sometimes I think I'd rather be a fucking slave to society than a fat, depressed, worthless, fucked-up piece of SHIT.
The knives in the kitchen are right around the corner. The razor is just in the bathroom. The three exacto knives are in the bedroom.
Oh the choices.
I won't give in. I won't give in. I won't give in.
I can't.....
I feel so fucking alone.