February 14, 2002: My Worst Nightmare...TRUE!
[Written: This morning around 4am]:
Now 3 some years later, I've fallen apart just as much as then.
Because of the same person, because of the feeling I got, and because of the same fear he set in my heart and soul.
I should never be scared to fall asleep in my own home.
I should never fear for my niece.
I should never wonder what my father would do if he saw him.
I should never fear telling my brother.
I should never fear sleeping in general.
I should never fear who to call when all else fails.
I should never fear for myself and my safety.
Never.
But tonight, just like that night,
I fear the whole world.
I thought I was stronger than that..
I fear every car that drives by.
Every car that pulls in.
Every headlight that shines in my window.
I fear every phone call showing "unknown" or "private" or random numbers that turn out to be pay phones.
I've seen him at the mall, but he never sees me, so that makes things a bit better. But tonight, he found me.
And scared me.
More than I was scared at Rosewood. More than I was scared at the CN Tower.
Tonight, he found me and I relived the whole thing in my head over and over. Just when I get comfortable falling alseep alone; he came back to haunt me.
I should've handled it on the days I could've. But being so afraid for myself and my family, set it all aside.
Tonight I'm full of fear. I stand awake with my lights dim, and my door locked. I can't give him my fear. He's taken so much, but I can't give him that.
It's my own...as much as I hate it....it's mine! He can't have the best of me. EVER!
I still have my beauty.
My passionate heart.
My wholesome soul.
My brilliant class.
My loving family.
My cheriable friends.
My loved ones..
I still have that...
But never should I fear for them because of him.
It seems to be all my fault in the long run.
I don't want to fear you...
...I want to end you in my life.
Tonight I let myself go...
...in my pillows...
drenched with fear...
You took a part of me I wasn't willing to give....
Now 3 some years later, I've fallen apart just as much as then.
Because of the same person, because of the feeling I got, and because of the same fear he set in my heart and soul.
I should never be scared to fall asleep in my own home.
I should never fear for my niece.
I should never wonder what my father would do if he saw him.
I should never fear telling my brother.
I should never fear sleeping in general.
I should never fear who to call when all else fails.
I should never fear for myself and my safety.
Never.
But tonight, just like that night,
I fear the whole world.
I thought I was stronger than that..
I fear every car that drives by.
Every car that pulls in.
Every headlight that shines in my window.
I fear every phone call showing "unknown" or "private" or random numbers that turn out to be pay phones.
I've seen him at the mall, but he never sees me, so that makes things a bit better. But tonight, he found me.
And scared me.
More than I was scared at Rosewood. More than I was scared at the CN Tower.
Tonight, he found me and I relived the whole thing in my head over and over. Just when I get comfortable falling alseep alone; he came back to haunt me.
I should've handled it on the days I could've. But being so afraid for myself and my family, set it all aside.
Tonight I'm full of fear. I stand awake with my lights dim, and my door locked. I can't give him my fear. He's taken so much, but I can't give him that.
It's my own...as much as I hate it....it's mine! He can't have the best of me. EVER!
I still have my beauty.
My passionate heart.
My wholesome soul.
My brilliant class.
My loving family.
My cheriable friends.
My loved ones..
I still have that...
But never should I fear for them because of him.
It seems to be all my fault in the long run.
I don't want to fear you...
...I want to end you in my life.
Tonight I let myself go...
...in my pillows...
drenched with fear...
You took a part of me I wasn't willing to give....