Eating myself alive.
Sometimes I feel like I'm ruining everything. I've had the same converastion (with you) with qite a few people, and every time I get the same comments back. No, I don't know (what the fuck) I'm going to do. I've realized that all conversations are moot because of 1 thing: When you state a question or comment to someone, you already have an idea of what they are going to say. When their answer/reply is different from the expected answer/reply, that's when people become upset, angry, suprised, etc to the extrmeme. This little realization has made me come to the conclusion that people decide they need moral support for one reason: It is human nature for someone to wish to be proven correct. If you know that you are sad, you also know who to call if you want to hear "Put up with it," "Quit bitching," or "I'm sorry, I wish I could do something to help," and you call that person, they say exactly what you expect to hear, and you feel better about yourself for being correct; subconciously you equate that feeling of betterness to mean that the person cheered you up (in a way, they did just that). Idk, I feel I'm eating myself alive. This realization stemed from my constant inspection and reflection over my own lack of apparent need of social contact. I guess I am getting my basic human need of communication in a form which does not include mass amounts of physical social interaction, so I don't find myself in need of friends at the moment. There are a few people who I am in touch with that I am willing to keep around, but as much as I think it and tell people, I know that I don't give a shit anymore. The people I keep in my life now are able to provide me with what I need to survive, and being selfish as I am (as we are), I no longer need/want other people in my life (or sometimes I do, only as a destraction).
A great person once told me "Tom, if you wern't so intelligent, your life would be a lot easier." And I think I am just now completely grasping exactly what was meant to burried in that comment. It wasn't exactly a gratifiying complement per-se, though I doubtlessly would think the person was less great if the complemeant was never spoke, but I believe it was placed, not to increase my ego (The lord alone knows my invertly egotistical boundries), but to warn me against further forays into my own mind. More of a warning, if not only from experiance, but from a socially warped perspective. Thoughout life we are constantly told that "Ignorance is bliss," "You'll feel better if you don't think about it," and you'll notice that people who are unable to grasp basic concepts of irony, profundity, and sarcasm, are some of the most reveired people. It's almost as if society itself wishes everyone would stay as ignorant as they can in order to further pollute possibly intelligent minds with garbage. This is why it angers me when people tell me such things. I try to pretend that I'm completly engaged in "proper social activities" but I no longer feel the need to actualy comply with any of the restraits that society generally places on people. Yes, I'm still worried about facing the consequenses, but I can also assure myself (without great confliction) that I know they are going to come, so I don't bother fretting over (spilt salt is meaningless) simple problems such as that.
I've come to realize that fantasy is just as real as any reality. People in general are fixated on finding ways to escape the world they are "supposed" to be in. As an example, we will use some various stages of life and The Things I've Seen people do to escape reality.
Birth/infanthood:
-Reality- Pain, brightness, constant straining, the brain capacity to know you can do OH so much more
then you are doing now. Every thing hurts, you are only fed at times when the people around you feel to do so, constant bouncing, world collapsing around on all sides on daily basis, and don't forget: No control over bowel movement; in short: Hell.
-Fantasy- Knowledge, due to all of these activities, the brain is allowed to expand. So there is the chance to slip away from reality and be distracted by All The Pretty Colors, and All The Shiney Things.
Early childhood:
-Reality- More pain. The early years of life are filled with constant accidents, constant reminders of limitations (scraped knees, learning to walk and falling down so many times you begin to ache inside) learing that "No, you can't have a cookie" and "No, no more ice cream" even though that is EXACTLY what is required for inner peace. Torture, the early years of life are filled with it, learning to speak whatever language it is around you, OH! The anguish that hast befallen!
-Fantasy- Barney, television, pretty lights and sounds, (go go power rangers), legos, and so so much more distract from what's really going on. If someone at this age decides they do not like television, toys, or playing cops and robbers, they are deemed wrong, anti-social, prematurely depressed, and over all "just weird" (weird is what they are).
Teenage years:
-Reality- Drugs, sex, violence, hate, prejudice, and everything that goes with it. From age 13-19 life is filled with heartbreak, headache, back breaking labor, all in the name of "Character". Depression and suicide in teens is at it's highest because oh (OH!) so many people in this age group realize how horrible life really is and how nothing (nothing at all) is going to change. In order for someone to have friends, relationships, lovers, they must fit into the norm and love each and every one of these groups as if they themselves were not enough to occupy them. The ones that find the truth (Thetruth) about how much they Just Don't Damn Need Anyone, are deemed outcasts, freaks, weirdos, etc. It's horrible, life as a teen.
-Fantasy- Ah, drugs, sex, violence, video games, etc. are all ways people escape, (Though some say escape is for the weak, only those people, "those people" die of over work, stress, and heart issues, they are the ultimate societal pushers)and when they are induced, reality is null. Drugs are the best of these, but they are just effective as a good book, a fantasy world of dolls,and anything else, for taking away reality.
Later in life:
-Reality- Life sucks, it always has, always will. People kill themselves becase they don't have as big of house, as expensive of a car, as large of a driveway, as much gold/dimonds/pearls/etc, as much money (Oh! the root of all evil is green as if it were exposed to the sun as the whole plant of evil is!) Society demands conformity, society demands "progress" but (Oh! the builders, those who make cannot have the vision to understand) progress is relative. If you don't have your 401k paid into, social security taken care of, and your taxes all caught up and payments made, you're depressed here. Just as depressed as the 4 year old who is beaten and punished because Barney is a "Big Scary Dinosaur" instead of what society has made him. Life in adulthood SUCKS, but its just the same problems you've faced all your life, you just THINK think think think think that they are more important because you cannot possibly BARE to think think think THINK that you didn't make ANY sort of progress in life in 20 or 30 or 40 years. No, you kill yourself mostly because you realize that you are exactly the same, society forces us to believe that human nature is inevitable, so you write off your lack of progress as some sort of genetically coded program, and move on.
-Fantasy- It's exactly the same here, always escaping, just new activities (some not so new). Drugs, sports, music, "finer arts", more drugs, and OH the JOYOUS RELIGION! Everything here just lets you escape from "real life" and you never realize how meaningless it all is, until you kill yourself and move on to.
Death:
-Reality- Nothing more has to exist for you, in essance, all your fantasies combined into one, no more worries, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks.
-Fantansy- Oh, the evil religion mongers told you all your life about your soul. If you believe you have one, you might find peace in imagining the rest of your existance in heaven or hell, or limbo, or whatver, no one knows. But oh (OH! the escape) the escape is final.
A great person once told me "Tom, if you wern't so intelligent, your life would be a lot easier." And I think I am just now completely grasping exactly what was meant to burried in that comment. It wasn't exactly a gratifiying complement per-se, though I doubtlessly would think the person was less great if the complemeant was never spoke, but I believe it was placed, not to increase my ego (The lord alone knows my invertly egotistical boundries), but to warn me against further forays into my own mind. More of a warning, if not only from experiance, but from a socially warped perspective. Thoughout life we are constantly told that "Ignorance is bliss," "You'll feel better if you don't think about it," and you'll notice that people who are unable to grasp basic concepts of irony, profundity, and sarcasm, are some of the most reveired people. It's almost as if society itself wishes everyone would stay as ignorant as they can in order to further pollute possibly intelligent minds with garbage. This is why it angers me when people tell me such things. I try to pretend that I'm completly engaged in "proper social activities" but I no longer feel the need to actualy comply with any of the restraits that society generally places on people. Yes, I'm still worried about facing the consequenses, but I can also assure myself (without great confliction) that I know they are going to come, so I don't bother fretting over (spilt salt is meaningless) simple problems such as that.
I've come to realize that fantasy is just as real as any reality. People in general are fixated on finding ways to escape the world they are "supposed" to be in. As an example, we will use some various stages of life and The Things I've Seen people do to escape reality.
Birth/infanthood:
-Reality- Pain, brightness, constant straining, the brain capacity to know you can do OH so much more
then you are doing now. Every thing hurts, you are only fed at times when the people around you feel to do so, constant bouncing, world collapsing around on all sides on daily basis, and don't forget: No control over bowel movement; in short: Hell.
-Fantasy- Knowledge, due to all of these activities, the brain is allowed to expand. So there is the chance to slip away from reality and be distracted by All The Pretty Colors, and All The Shiney Things.
Early childhood:
-Reality- More pain. The early years of life are filled with constant accidents, constant reminders of limitations (scraped knees, learning to walk and falling down so many times you begin to ache inside) learing that "No, you can't have a cookie" and "No, no more ice cream" even though that is EXACTLY what is required for inner peace. Torture, the early years of life are filled with it, learning to speak whatever language it is around you, OH! The anguish that hast befallen!
-Fantasy- Barney, television, pretty lights and sounds, (go go power rangers), legos, and so so much more distract from what's really going on. If someone at this age decides they do not like television, toys, or playing cops and robbers, they are deemed wrong, anti-social, prematurely depressed, and over all "just weird" (weird is what they are).
Teenage years:
-Reality- Drugs, sex, violence, hate, prejudice, and everything that goes with it. From age 13-19 life is filled with heartbreak, headache, back breaking labor, all in the name of "Character". Depression and suicide in teens is at it's highest because oh (OH!) so many people in this age group realize how horrible life really is and how nothing (nothing at all) is going to change. In order for someone to have friends, relationships, lovers, they must fit into the norm and love each and every one of these groups as if they themselves were not enough to occupy them. The ones that find the truth (Thetruth) about how much they Just Don't Damn Need Anyone, are deemed outcasts, freaks, weirdos, etc. It's horrible, life as a teen.
-Fantasy- Ah, drugs, sex, violence, video games, etc. are all ways people escape, (Though some say escape is for the weak, only those people, "those people" die of over work, stress, and heart issues, they are the ultimate societal pushers)and when they are induced, reality is null. Drugs are the best of these, but they are just effective as a good book, a fantasy world of dolls,and anything else, for taking away reality.
Later in life:
-Reality- Life sucks, it always has, always will. People kill themselves becase they don't have as big of house, as expensive of a car, as large of a driveway, as much gold/dimonds/pearls/etc, as much money (Oh! the root of all evil is green as if it were exposed to the sun as the whole plant of evil is!) Society demands conformity, society demands "progress" but (Oh! the builders, those who make cannot have the vision to understand) progress is relative. If you don't have your 401k paid into, social security taken care of, and your taxes all caught up and payments made, you're depressed here. Just as depressed as the 4 year old who is beaten and punished because Barney is a "Big Scary Dinosaur" instead of what society has made him. Life in adulthood SUCKS, but its just the same problems you've faced all your life, you just THINK think think think think that they are more important because you cannot possibly BARE to think think think THINK that you didn't make ANY sort of progress in life in 20 or 30 or 40 years. No, you kill yourself mostly because you realize that you are exactly the same, society forces us to believe that human nature is inevitable, so you write off your lack of progress as some sort of genetically coded program, and move on.
-Fantasy- It's exactly the same here, always escaping, just new activities (some not so new). Drugs, sports, music, "finer arts", more drugs, and OH the JOYOUS RELIGION! Everything here just lets you escape from "real life" and you never realize how meaningless it all is, until you kill yourself and move on to.
Death:
-Reality- Nothing more has to exist for you, in essance, all your fantasies combined into one, no more worries, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks.
-Fantansy- Oh, the evil religion mongers told you all your life about your soul. If you believe you have one, you might find peace in imagining the rest of your existance in heaven or hell, or limbo, or whatver, no one knows. But oh (OH! the escape) the escape is final.