No Place for Us to Tear Our Hearts Out
The sky was a deep, dark blue and the rain was falling hard outside our window, rushing down the glass.
We were standing in front of each other, physically within arm's reach. Only minutes had passed since Andrew had departed, and I wondered exactly how long Mulder would wait before he let it go.
Our wait time was approximately two minutes.
"So, anything else you want to tell me that you discussed with this guy?" His look challenged me. I was used to those looks, yet felt disarmed this time. I braced myself. "Any other miracle cancer cures or truths about our son you'd like to reveal?"
My chest ached. Mulder never realized how much his words could often hurt their unlucky recipient. I looked him straight in the eye despite the pain. "I'm not falling into this dark spiral with you again, Mulder."
He chewed his cheek, watching me intently. I shuffled my feet, my arms crossed over my body. "I don't know why you kept these things from me. You should have told me immediately," he said, his voice low.
I opened my mouth and forced my words out. "Mulder, we've only been back together for a week."
His eyes didn't move. "Then you had 168 hours to tell me."
"I know." I broke our stare to focus on the wood-paneled walls. I felt trapped in this lowly space, this tiny, simple room, darkness between the two of us again. It was no place for us to tear our hearts out.
"I was worried when you told me you took out the chip and didn't tell me why," he said. "Now I know why, and Scully...I'm just shocked that you were willing to believe him so easily."
I put my hands on my hips and felt my tears start to burn. "Don't you believe him?"
"I'd love to," he said, running his hand through his hair. "I'd love to believe him, Scully. But I don't believe anyone any more. Not anyone but you. And now, well..."
"Don't," I interrupted. Our bodies stilled and our eyes locked. "Don't go there. Don't say anything you can't take back."
All I wanted to do was run out into the rain, to feel it flow over me, to wash off the harsh words that were clinging to me, that were welling up inside of me, aching to be released.
Instead, tears began to fall down my cheeks. "I know you're angry. I don't blame you for being angry. I should have told you everything." I took a shaky breath. "But I had a hard time coming to terms with it myself. That my cancer is cured, that William might be what we feared him to be."
"He is not..." Mulder's voice was sharp, and he took a deep breath before continuing. "William is not what we feared. He's our son. We know where he came from. Christ, Scully, we know the day he was conceived. It was natural and it was perfect. He is perfect. To hell with the rest of it. To hell with the theories and the is he/isn't he shit. It's done."
"I just want him to be safe," I whispered. I saw his eyes soften at the words. I knew he felt the same way, after Wyoming. That was all we wanted.
He walked up to me and pulled me into his chest. I gave in, his warm arms sliding across my back. "He's safe for now. And you're healthy. Scully, I want to believe that more than anything in this world. That your cancer is cured."
"If it isn't, then I have the chip back now." I pressed my forehead into his shoulder. "But I want to believe it's gone. I'm sorry. For everything. From hiding anything from you."
"We need to trust each other, Scully," he whispered. "You're the only one left I can trust."
I pressed my cheek against his chest.
We were standing in front of each other, physically within arm's reach. Only minutes had passed since Andrew had departed, and I wondered exactly how long Mulder would wait before he let it go.
Our wait time was approximately two minutes.
"So, anything else you want to tell me that you discussed with this guy?" His look challenged me. I was used to those looks, yet felt disarmed this time. I braced myself. "Any other miracle cancer cures or truths about our son you'd like to reveal?"
My chest ached. Mulder never realized how much his words could often hurt their unlucky recipient. I looked him straight in the eye despite the pain. "I'm not falling into this dark spiral with you again, Mulder."
He chewed his cheek, watching me intently. I shuffled my feet, my arms crossed over my body. "I don't know why you kept these things from me. You should have told me immediately," he said, his voice low.
I opened my mouth and forced my words out. "Mulder, we've only been back together for a week."
His eyes didn't move. "Then you had 168 hours to tell me."
"I know." I broke our stare to focus on the wood-paneled walls. I felt trapped in this lowly space, this tiny, simple room, darkness between the two of us again. It was no place for us to tear our hearts out.
"I was worried when you told me you took out the chip and didn't tell me why," he said. "Now I know why, and Scully...I'm just shocked that you were willing to believe him so easily."
I put my hands on my hips and felt my tears start to burn. "Don't you believe him?"
"I'd love to," he said, running his hand through his hair. "I'd love to believe him, Scully. But I don't believe anyone any more. Not anyone but you. And now, well..."
"Don't," I interrupted. Our bodies stilled and our eyes locked. "Don't go there. Don't say anything you can't take back."
All I wanted to do was run out into the rain, to feel it flow over me, to wash off the harsh words that were clinging to me, that were welling up inside of me, aching to be released.
Instead, tears began to fall down my cheeks. "I know you're angry. I don't blame you for being angry. I should have told you everything." I took a shaky breath. "But I had a hard time coming to terms with it myself. That my cancer is cured, that William might be what we feared him to be."
"He is not..." Mulder's voice was sharp, and he took a deep breath before continuing. "William is not what we feared. He's our son. We know where he came from. Christ, Scully, we know the day he was conceived. It was natural and it was perfect. He is perfect. To hell with the rest of it. To hell with the theories and the is he/isn't he shit. It's done."
"I just want him to be safe," I whispered. I saw his eyes soften at the words. I knew he felt the same way, after Wyoming. That was all we wanted.
He walked up to me and pulled me into his chest. I gave in, his warm arms sliding across my back. "He's safe for now. And you're healthy. Scully, I want to believe that more than anything in this world. That your cancer is cured."
"If it isn't, then I have the chip back now." I pressed my forehead into his shoulder. "But I want to believe it's gone. I'm sorry. For everything. From hiding anything from you."
"We need to trust each other, Scully," he whispered. "You're the only one left I can trust."
I pressed my cheek against his chest.