Selfishness: Because I can to do stuff for me for once
So... last night, told my roomie about the whole withdrawal thing. Thought of all the people I know she at least would understand. Thought maybe she'd be on my side, be happy for me, something like that. The reaction I was met with was unexpected. She did her usual short worded, quick to end a sentence 'emotionless' responses that I know are her reaction when she's upset/mad. I had sort of expected that, I mean, it was very sudden and all. What I didn't expect was what followed. She pretty much seems under the impression (though it may be mostly subconscious her words and attitude speak clearly) that I am dropping out of UT to ruin HER school year, not because my health is suffering and my grades are horrible, not even because for ONCE in my life I made a decision, for myself, without thinking of how it would affect other people. And you know what, I'm freaking happy I did, because for once in my life I really am doing this only for me. this is the only one time I can honestly say I DON'T care what anyone else has to say about it. Anyway going a little off track where was I... Oh right, roomie. So, her reaction, and I can say this if I want to because it's shockingly true, was a selfish one. She knew I already felt like crap, she knew I was already depressed and having a hard time telling her I was going to be moving out, and yet I'm the 'bad guy', because now SHE will have to get used to a new roomate, SHE will have to suffer through the hell that is UT without someone as miserable as her. What the hell. If you really feel that way, and it seems like you do, then get out of UT and go to UTSA or SAC or whatever other school.
Don't blame me for your misery. Or if you have to, and you're willing to kill our friendship over this, then I'll be miserably depressed knowing doing something for my own happiness caused you to hate me enough to end a friendship that's lasted through a heck of a lot worse. Also if you want to encourage conversations, as you seem under the impression that I haven't been talking to you, don't kill every conversation someone tries to start with 'yep' or 'nope' or some other conversation killing non-committal response. I love you, I really do, but it hurts me that you're reacting this way to the situation.
On top of this, she said nothing to me when I got back from the airport so I laid down (didn't get to bed till late, got up at 4am, I was very tired) and shortly after she left. I haven't seen her since so I'm fairly certain she is both not speaking to me and avoiding me simultaneously. Way to solve the problem.
If you did actually manage to find this LJ (I imagine it's not that hard) then I'm sorry if what I say upsets you, but it's the truth. And it hurts that the only person I have to support me in all of this crap that's actually here in Texas is avoiding me. Thanks, I appreciate the support. Now I need to go because I can feel the stress pains building in my stomach and if I keep this up I'll make myself even more ill.
Tomorrow starts the proccess.
Wish me luck
I need it
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A la peaceful melody
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved