Misery And Confusion
I don't know what it is I want exactly.
I know I don't like it at UT but what if I'm making the same mistake I made when I left WSU?
I did so much better there then I am doing here and it is not because the classes were easier. I find myself missing that feeling of being on my own, it felt so good there it just feels scary here. There I knew I had someone I could call if I was in trouble, and yeah I can do that at UT but dad can't just be up in an hour to make it better there. And I thought that would be good for me but I wasn't ready for it. Being that far away is too much for me. I know I could not handle living in Texas. I can't handle it at all really. But what is it about all this that makes me feel so utterly helpless that I can't even begin to comprehend that I CAN escape from it. I feel trapped at UT, stuck, like a fly on sticky paper. I love my dad and Tanya so much, and I know they're always here for me and wiling to do whatever they can to help, and that makes me happy, the only problem is I don't know what I want. Three years into college, three different universities, and here I am about to transfer again and having second thoughts on my choise of major. I have no idea what I want to be 'when I grow up'. I do love science, I have always been fascinated by the way the world works, by evolution and genetics, and all of that wonderful biology. And of course my love for animals only increases my love of science. But what do I want to do with it? I thought for a long time that I wanted to be able to share that love for science by teaching it to others. I thought, being a biology teacher was the job for me, teaching others how wonderfully amazing science can be. But now I don't feel that way anymore. I think about students in high school and realize, if they like biology then I will strengthen that, but if they don't my class will mean nothing to them, at least that's what I've been taught at UT. And it's so depressing to think I could never really change a student, show them how much fun, how exciting biology can be if those professors at UT are right. And the more I thought about that, the more I realized the only reason I want to teach is because I don't want to have to leave school. School is a safe zone, you know how it works, it's a routine. And why in the world would someone like me, someone who so desperately wants to escape routine, want a career in which you go through the same routine every day, teach nearly the same thing every year, wake up at the same time everyday to be stuck forever in that endless routine that was high school. No, I wasn't born to be a teacher, though yes I am sure I could probably be an amazing teacher. None of my teachers were teachers first, none of the good ones at least. My Chemistry teacher had been a chemist for a major company before she decided to teach, and the teacher who made me want to teach, who saw my love for biology and encouraged it, was a botanist for 20 years. Even my physics teacher had been a technical engineer first. So I thought for a while about the things I enjoy about biology.
Genetics fascinates me, the fact that every living organism on earth is coded by the same aminos and the same 3-codon rules as every other organism from the simplest to the most advanced, it baffles me, amazes me, makes me curious beyond belief to KNOW, to see, to explore how it's possible. I mean, in science genetics IS the one question. it is the "What is the meaning of life" of biology. It's the core of every living thing on earth. and possible, maybe, perhaps elsewhere to.
So in biology, if you were to ask me, what field of bology fascinates you most? catches your true focus, my answer would be nearly automatic, genetics.
Now this is not to say genetics is the only thing I love about biology. I dream of wildlife and marine biology as ANY young biology lover would. to go out and explore the unknown of the vast universe that is our planets ocean will always tug at my innermost curiousity. But I am terrified of the water. It fascinates me with it's dark mysterious depths and yet I fear it as any intelligent being would. Fear of the Unnown is a basic instinct of all animals, it's what keeps most animals alive. it's what stops the water buffalo from crossing the nile for a few moments as they scan it's watery surface, knowing without knowing the danger that lurks in the unknown below.It's what keeps us out of the dark alleys at night, that instinct keeps you alive. As for wildlife biology, that will always be my dream job. A wildlife biologist/photographer. Going into the wilds of the world to document the life of what few wild creatures we have left. But it is a depressing and dangerous job. And whoknows how much longer 'wildlife' will exist before it is only a word in a dictionary that explains what the world was like once, before it lost that natural uncaged beauty. Yes I would love to be out there, to document it in the hopes of making others realize how precious this thing is that we git rid of so easily every day with construction further and further into the wilds, killing off the last of this world we call home that doesn't fit into the human plan.
Then there is photography, my one true escape. I love taking pictures. The things I could do if I had a REAL camera in my hands. How badlyI wish I could follow that dream. But that is a job that is certain to give me a life of desperate times. I know how to live on little, my concern is, can I live on little my entire life, taking photographs in an age were digital technology allows anyone to take clear and colorful pictures. Granted those people behind the camera know nothing of composition, of color, of balance, of the natural beauty of an unposed picture. But that doesn't mean as much in today's day and age as it once did and the field is so full of amateur photographers and professionals that how I could ever expect to make my place, stake my claim in the world, is beyond me. I do not know that, as a career, I would ever succeed.
It's this fear of the unknown that holds me where I am now, terrified to take a step into the black in any direction, afraid I'll fall and never pick myself back up again. What if I can't? What if I fall down so far I can never pull myself back up? I'm paralyzed with fear and it makes me sad. I'm sure I could be great at something, I am a dedicated worker and student. I love succeeding, I love to work at what I love, doesn't everyone? But in a world of NOW, FAST, EASY & QUANTITY how can careful, slow, dedicated & quality survive?
I need to take a leap of faith, I just don't know where to leap.
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