(no subject)
It's been a semi-long weekend. Work was odd, and I bought an enormous case of beer. Should last me about a week, hopefully until the end of the summer. To tell you the truth, I definitely made a mistake becuase I can't bring myself to drink it and it doesn't taste that good.
Anyway - other things haven't tasted good as well, but these days something that has not tasted good and also proved problematic was my tongue. I say sarcastic remarks, or veiled remarks, that are by no means veiled enough. So I find myself not only having said something disgusting and vile, but also having said it in an even more disgusting way. I do this mostly to E_moan, but I also do it to many other people. I've recently said some remarks to a certain person about their past that I shouldn't have, and what surprised me most is that I didn't even know I had that in me. On one of these occasions, I was quite deppressed for hours both for the fact that I had hurt the person so much and because I didn't believe myself the kind of person to have done that, and intentionally.
Really, my emotional state has been disastrous among most people very often, I believe this is because I've been away from constant human contact from so long. BEcause of this, I can't help myself from saying exactly what I mean, doing exactly what is necessary, and being because of this nothing but a tool... if you know what I mean. Like an empty robot mindlessly - or almost too mindfully carrying out commands. The few times when I try to - be free and clear, I find myself regressing far too back.
I think that in a way, because my childhood was so forcefully wrenched from me, that it has lingered in grotesque form, following me far, emerging when I am deeply scarred or insulted, when the core of me is hit too strongly with a blow that should never have been intended for me. The result is disastrous, and I cower in fear in a closet or a dark unseen corner for hours or until somebody comes to find me. After the apologies have been delivered, I find myself aware of my regressive state but unable to bring myself back...
I find it safe to say this, because not may people read this thing anymore, and those of you who, I believe, will not fully understand its contents.
Nor will you understand the full damage that you have done me. But I know it well enough, and I also know it very well that although the injustice was yours - your vile act - it was my responsibility to have protected myself more, and, as selfish and cold as it might sound, to care about you less.
I'm very happy that there are a few people who I'm never going to have to do this for. First of all, I'm quite sure that I will never have to be sorry for displaying too much affection or having too much fondness for my mother. My scattered, confusing family (my brother, my mother, and I) is such that - we're so tightly knit, a partin gof ways is never possible. Also, I know I don't have to worry about darling E_moan, and a few of you know why. I'm also finding out how beautiful a person E_moan's friend Jon-face is, although...well...
All in all, my life could not be more complete, in my opinion. Although there are very few people I feel confident even in - liking -, they are the sort of people that I know I shall never regret it.
Now, I've got some beer, and there's too much of it, and I suddenly don't feel like drinking, so if one's of ya wants to come and keep me company and have one or two, I would not turn you away.
[Oh, and btw, I've got great movies.]
Praise Life, Praise God.
Anyway - other things haven't tasted good as well, but these days something that has not tasted good and also proved problematic was my tongue. I say sarcastic remarks, or veiled remarks, that are by no means veiled enough. So I find myself not only having said something disgusting and vile, but also having said it in an even more disgusting way. I do this mostly to E_moan, but I also do it to many other people. I've recently said some remarks to a certain person about their past that I shouldn't have, and what surprised me most is that I didn't even know I had that in me. On one of these occasions, I was quite deppressed for hours both for the fact that I had hurt the person so much and because I didn't believe myself the kind of person to have done that, and intentionally.
Really, my emotional state has been disastrous among most people very often, I believe this is because I've been away from constant human contact from so long. BEcause of this, I can't help myself from saying exactly what I mean, doing exactly what is necessary, and being because of this nothing but a tool... if you know what I mean. Like an empty robot mindlessly - or almost too mindfully carrying out commands. The few times when I try to - be free and clear, I find myself regressing far too back.
I think that in a way, because my childhood was so forcefully wrenched from me, that it has lingered in grotesque form, following me far, emerging when I am deeply scarred or insulted, when the core of me is hit too strongly with a blow that should never have been intended for me. The result is disastrous, and I cower in fear in a closet or a dark unseen corner for hours or until somebody comes to find me. After the apologies have been delivered, I find myself aware of my regressive state but unable to bring myself back...
I find it safe to say this, because not may people read this thing anymore, and those of you who, I believe, will not fully understand its contents.
Nor will you understand the full damage that you have done me. But I know it well enough, and I also know it very well that although the injustice was yours - your vile act - it was my responsibility to have protected myself more, and, as selfish and cold as it might sound, to care about you less.
I'm very happy that there are a few people who I'm never going to have to do this for. First of all, I'm quite sure that I will never have to be sorry for displaying too much affection or having too much fondness for my mother. My scattered, confusing family (my brother, my mother, and I) is such that - we're so tightly knit, a partin gof ways is never possible. Also, I know I don't have to worry about darling E_moan, and a few of you know why. I'm also finding out how beautiful a person E_moan's friend Jon-face is, although...well...
All in all, my life could not be more complete, in my opinion. Although there are very few people I feel confident even in - liking -, they are the sort of people that I know I shall never regret it.
Now, I've got some beer, and there's too much of it, and I suddenly don't feel like drinking, so if one's of ya wants to come and keep me company and have one or two, I would not turn you away.
[Oh, and btw, I've got great movies.]
Praise Life, Praise God.