Less Than I Am
I have often said, that you can't ask people to be less than they are, or at least you can't expect them to be less and think that things will turn out well. Clearly, I need to start taking my own advice.
For example, you wouldn't ask a "strong" person to be weaker and expect them to succeed. And you wouldn't ask an honest person to lie more and expect them to succeed and be ok with it.
I know, (and it has become even clearer through recent events) that I am a person for which the mind-body connection is VERY strong. If I'm stressed, or overanalyzing, or flipping out, my body is flipping out. If my mind, and heart and soul are excited and aroused, my body is also. If you can't do anything for my mind, you best believe you will not be touching me, because you'd probably find more moisture in a sand dune than between my thighs, ya heard?
It's not that I don't think everyone has a mind body connection in some way, but I think some of us are more able to turn off or numb the feelings, if we think it'll help us get what we want. (For me, I mention the mind body connection because the emotion and feeling for me is what makes me scary to people, and intense and "too much" and what makes people feel confused. But you can't get one without the other with me.)
When we start to feel like failure is breaking us, we want to change ourselves into people who we think have a better chance at success. But I think too often, at least speaking for myself and folks that I know personally, the changes that we think will help us is really our attempt to make ourselves less than we were. It's whittling away at the unique stuff, the stuff that can't be bottled up, the stuff that's bigger in us than in anyone else. And sometimes that's the stuff that makes getting what we want more of a challenge, but it's also the stuff that makes us who we are. We don't end up happier when we try to make ourselves less than. We might get out of the starting gate a little faster, but we don't make it to the finish line any sooner.
Example: How many times have you heard nice guys say that they want to start being assholes so that they can stop finishing last in romance. And sure, at first it works, but in the end, they can't deny the goodness in themselves in order to really enjoy what seems like a taste of success, and in the long-term, they still haven't ended up with the kind of success that they want.
We usually fail when we try to suppress parts of ourselves, or take away parts. At least I know I do. Because the things I say and do don't exist in a vaccuum. I do them for a reason, and trying to change the things I do and say and feel often fails, because it ignores all the reasons, and the background, and the history. I'm not trying to say that we can't or shouldn't ever change or revise our behavior, but for me, I often feel like, I would be more successful personally, professionally, etc. if I didn't care so much, if I didn't get so invested in things, and work so hard, and give it my heart and soul and not just the bare minimum of my labor. Maybe I wouldn't get hurt if I weren't such a geyser of intense emotion. But realistically, who would I be if I took that stuff away? (Not to mention that I can't ever really get rid of it because it's who I am).
I was having a conversation with a friend last night where I was giving her this little tidbit, and it occured to me--DUH! I need to be following my own advice. Quick, fast, and in a hurry.
I can't be less than I am.
I can't force or expect myself to be less than I am.
I can't settle for anyone who would expect me to be less than I am.
And if I can't find "success" being me, and all of me, then maybe I'm not meant to.
For example, you wouldn't ask a "strong" person to be weaker and expect them to succeed. And you wouldn't ask an honest person to lie more and expect them to succeed and be ok with it.
I know, (and it has become even clearer through recent events) that I am a person for which the mind-body connection is VERY strong. If I'm stressed, or overanalyzing, or flipping out, my body is flipping out. If my mind, and heart and soul are excited and aroused, my body is also. If you can't do anything for my mind, you best believe you will not be touching me, because you'd probably find more moisture in a sand dune than between my thighs, ya heard?
It's not that I don't think everyone has a mind body connection in some way, but I think some of us are more able to turn off or numb the feelings, if we think it'll help us get what we want. (For me, I mention the mind body connection because the emotion and feeling for me is what makes me scary to people, and intense and "too much" and what makes people feel confused. But you can't get one without the other with me.)
When we start to feel like failure is breaking us, we want to change ourselves into people who we think have a better chance at success. But I think too often, at least speaking for myself and folks that I know personally, the changes that we think will help us is really our attempt to make ourselves less than we were. It's whittling away at the unique stuff, the stuff that can't be bottled up, the stuff that's bigger in us than in anyone else. And sometimes that's the stuff that makes getting what we want more of a challenge, but it's also the stuff that makes us who we are. We don't end up happier when we try to make ourselves less than. We might get out of the starting gate a little faster, but we don't make it to the finish line any sooner.
Example: How many times have you heard nice guys say that they want to start being assholes so that they can stop finishing last in romance. And sure, at first it works, but in the end, they can't deny the goodness in themselves in order to really enjoy what seems like a taste of success, and in the long-term, they still haven't ended up with the kind of success that they want.
We usually fail when we try to suppress parts of ourselves, or take away parts. At least I know I do. Because the things I say and do don't exist in a vaccuum. I do them for a reason, and trying to change the things I do and say and feel often fails, because it ignores all the reasons, and the background, and the history. I'm not trying to say that we can't or shouldn't ever change or revise our behavior, but for me, I often feel like, I would be more successful personally, professionally, etc. if I didn't care so much, if I didn't get so invested in things, and work so hard, and give it my heart and soul and not just the bare minimum of my labor. Maybe I wouldn't get hurt if I weren't such a geyser of intense emotion. But realistically, who would I be if I took that stuff away? (Not to mention that I can't ever really get rid of it because it's who I am).
I was having a conversation with a friend last night where I was giving her this little tidbit, and it occured to me--DUH! I need to be following my own advice. Quick, fast, and in a hurry.
I can't be less than I am.
I can't force or expect myself to be less than I am.
I can't settle for anyone who would expect me to be less than I am.
And if I can't find "success" being me, and all of me, then maybe I'm not meant to.