Updates
I love that even when I'm looking a hot mess, and like I stumbled up out of a cave, walked through the fires of hell, and then got stuck without an umbrella in a thunderstorm, I still get compliments on my hair. I'm averaging about 1 compliment per week, AVERAGE! I'm already at 3 within the past five days. In yo' face, pretty girls.
What's weird about it is that people are always trying to figure out what I did to it. And they look amazed/appalled when I say I didn't do anything. (Which is true, this morning I literally rolled out of bed and let the wind style my hair, but I still got complimented.) When I worked for Upward Bound, my students asked me if I was mixed when they saw my hair down, LOL. Ridiculous. And yet kinda sad because we don't really expect black folks who don't have any recent non-black heritage (that they know of at least) to have curly hair. It's cool. I'll take what I can get.
I only have 108 more monthly payments to make on my student loans. Yup. Only NINE more years of student loan payments. Whoopee. I'm not complaining hard though, because my payments could be higher, and I could be paying them off for an even longer period of time. *sigh* Nine years, though.
Just coming into my office everyday makes me feel sick to my stomach. Only two more months to go. But if somewhere else is willing to hire me before then, fuck a contract, I'm out!
I got a bed. And glasses. Next stop, tattoo land. Except that I need to save so I can move soon. Eh.
I started keeping a worry journal. At first I thought I could carry it with me so that whenever I was stressed or worried about something I could write it down, but on second thought, It might have been too weird psychologically to physically feel the weight of my worries on my body everyday. Seems kinda creepy.
I worry about so many things. And then I worry about the fact that I worry so much, and I worry about the fact that I worry about things that I can't control, and I worry about my ability to change the things I can control, and I worry about trying to keep my worries inside so that people don't think poorly of me. Gah. It's crazy. I know it is. But things are automatically crazier and saner when you put them on paper. Other things I worry about include: (and I'm clearly limiting this to the least embarrassing ones since this entry is public, but I'm in the sort of mood to say fuck it and share some of them anyway)
-My growing caffeine addiction and it's effect on my moods, and headache/stomache-ache situation
-My job, I worry that I've wasted time and money here, I worry that I won't find a job that can sustain me mentally or financialy after leaving here
-I worry that I'll never be loved again, I worry that I have never been loved in the first place, I worry that there isn't enough strength in me to pass on unconditional love to my offspring one day,
-I worry that I can't find a foundation that matches my skin color and yet doesn't break me out (i.e. MAC)
-I worry that I'll fall down some stairs and knock out a tooth
-I worry that my sight will worsen (it's been pretty stable for a while but it still stresses me)
-I worry that I'll never find shoes as comfortable as the ones I wear to work (and am currently wearing)
-I worry about the outburst of insects in my house with the onset of spring-time weather
That's enough, lol.
Clearly, among this brief sample, there are things that I can control, and things that I just need to put out of my mind.
I am kinda wishing I had my worry journal with me today though. Boo.
What's weird about it is that people are always trying to figure out what I did to it. And they look amazed/appalled when I say I didn't do anything. (Which is true, this morning I literally rolled out of bed and let the wind style my hair, but I still got complimented.) When I worked for Upward Bound, my students asked me if I was mixed when they saw my hair down, LOL. Ridiculous. And yet kinda sad because we don't really expect black folks who don't have any recent non-black heritage (that they know of at least) to have curly hair. It's cool. I'll take what I can get.
I only have 108 more monthly payments to make on my student loans. Yup. Only NINE more years of student loan payments. Whoopee. I'm not complaining hard though, because my payments could be higher, and I could be paying them off for an even longer period of time. *sigh* Nine years, though.
Just coming into my office everyday makes me feel sick to my stomach. Only two more months to go. But if somewhere else is willing to hire me before then, fuck a contract, I'm out!
I got a bed. And glasses. Next stop, tattoo land. Except that I need to save so I can move soon. Eh.
I started keeping a worry journal. At first I thought I could carry it with me so that whenever I was stressed or worried about something I could write it down, but on second thought, It might have been too weird psychologically to physically feel the weight of my worries on my body everyday. Seems kinda creepy.
I worry about so many things. And then I worry about the fact that I worry so much, and I worry about the fact that I worry about things that I can't control, and I worry about my ability to change the things I can control, and I worry about trying to keep my worries inside so that people don't think poorly of me. Gah. It's crazy. I know it is. But things are automatically crazier and saner when you put them on paper. Other things I worry about include: (and I'm clearly limiting this to the least embarrassing ones since this entry is public, but I'm in the sort of mood to say fuck it and share some of them anyway)
-My growing caffeine addiction and it's effect on my moods, and headache/stomache-ache situation
-My job, I worry that I've wasted time and money here, I worry that I won't find a job that can sustain me mentally or financialy after leaving here
-I worry that I'll never be loved again, I worry that I have never been loved in the first place, I worry that there isn't enough strength in me to pass on unconditional love to my offspring one day,
-I worry that I can't find a foundation that matches my skin color and yet doesn't break me out (i.e. MAC)
-I worry that I'll fall down some stairs and knock out a tooth
-I worry that my sight will worsen (it's been pretty stable for a while but it still stresses me)
-I worry that I'll never find shoes as comfortable as the ones I wear to work (and am currently wearing)
-I worry about the outburst of insects in my house with the onset of spring-time weather
That's enough, lol.
Clearly, among this brief sample, there are things that I can control, and things that I just need to put out of my mind.
I am kinda wishing I had my worry journal with me today though. Boo.