Where am I
I always seem to get this far. I'm right on the edge of it, on the edge of one step forward or another tumble back. It is in these moments, the moments I lack clarity, when right and wrong are less defined, that I divorce myself from humanity, crawl back into the recesses of my journals and jobs and fail as publicly as possible so that I may be condemned by others to not return.
This week has drained me, one blast of doubt followed by an injection of distraction and finished off with a more direct failure. Shadows of the past, how much easier they were to handle when they were symbolized by women, but the reality is they were never the shadows, it was me, always me. The dark horrid sinful nature of Patrick out to tear me down at all costs. I am divided against myself, and no breakup or relocation can enable my escape.
No peace... my time of rest is at an end, now I must confront myself, as I have a dozen times before, nearing thirty years of age I am farther behind and weaker of will then ever before. It may be Christ's will that I shall fall until my very identity is shattered and no trace of hubris remains behind, yet still I cling to what traces of human dignity I have left.
I am lies, I am betrayal, I am sin, Jesus save me, for I can go no farther.
I have walked in emptiness and become empty.
I have become enslaved to weak and worthless elemental things.
"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for you, as a parched land.
Answer me quickly,
O Lord, my spirit fails;
Do not hide your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit."
This week has drained me, one blast of doubt followed by an injection of distraction and finished off with a more direct failure. Shadows of the past, how much easier they were to handle when they were symbolized by women, but the reality is they were never the shadows, it was me, always me. The dark horrid sinful nature of Patrick out to tear me down at all costs. I am divided against myself, and no breakup or relocation can enable my escape.
No peace... my time of rest is at an end, now I must confront myself, as I have a dozen times before, nearing thirty years of age I am farther behind and weaker of will then ever before. It may be Christ's will that I shall fall until my very identity is shattered and no trace of hubris remains behind, yet still I cling to what traces of human dignity I have left.
I am lies, I am betrayal, I am sin, Jesus save me, for I can go no farther.
I have walked in emptiness and become empty.
I have become enslaved to weak and worthless elemental things.
"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for you, as a parched land.
Answer me quickly,
O Lord, my spirit fails;
Do not hide your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit."