highs and lows
busy busy busy as of late. my mother moved out. its kinda weird. now i just live here with my grandparents. thats annoying. im (seriously?) thinking about moving to baltimore. i want to live in a city and i dont really want to live in nyc. im kinda wanting to get out of this state. im kinda worried about leaving my two best friends behind but i dont really care too much about anything else. life is hard. i guess love is harder. im the best ive ever been actually... but i dont think thats really saying much. ehh im just tired of being angry all the time. its frustrating to have all this anger and ill will pent up inside me. its like i talk to people (person really) about it all the time to the point and no one (she...) really doesnt even understand. it make me want to cry. it makes me want to sit and sulk and mope and die. bahh, i mean shes got her own issues to deal with so i guess i dont expect her to listen and understand me, but whatever. i wish someone did. its cool though. i cope in the worst ways possible to get out all my feelings. this blogging journaling thing is just an afterthought really.
its a problem.
this helps though. its better than nothing. its better than cutting. i try to go out with my friends and its like i am uninterested in girls. its like im just there. it helps though. i guess every little bit helps but i really just want you out of my life. i wish i could push you out just as easily as you pushed me out. i wish i could just say goodbye like you said it to me. i would like to cling on to the hope that you really didnt mean it and you are just a pussy for not putting any effort in it to fix it. but i guess the actual reality is that you must think im no good for you. you must think you did the right thing. you must think you are in a more stable situation without me. you must think im no good. you must think you can do better. i hope that you are. i wish i didnt, but i do. if you felt the need to make me fall in love with you and then walk right out of my life like you did i am seriously hoping you did it for a good reason. i hope hes worth it and whatnot. i guess ill live, ya know? i mean this hurts probably worse than anything i have felt in a very very long time, but ill live. nothing ever works out i guess. i mean what you see in your head; this perfect situation where everything is right with the world... it never works out. you work on life and the situations it puts you in and in the end it just works. nothing ever picture perfect, but it works. you fall down, you get back up. you try and you fail and you try again and i get that.
i was just hoping that we could fail together. ya know?
its a problem.
this helps though. its better than nothing. its better than cutting. i try to go out with my friends and its like i am uninterested in girls. its like im just there. it helps though. i guess every little bit helps but i really just want you out of my life. i wish i could push you out just as easily as you pushed me out. i wish i could just say goodbye like you said it to me. i would like to cling on to the hope that you really didnt mean it and you are just a pussy for not putting any effort in it to fix it. but i guess the actual reality is that you must think im no good for you. you must think you did the right thing. you must think you are in a more stable situation without me. you must think im no good. you must think you can do better. i hope that you are. i wish i didnt, but i do. if you felt the need to make me fall in love with you and then walk right out of my life like you did i am seriously hoping you did it for a good reason. i hope hes worth it and whatnot. i guess ill live, ya know? i mean this hurts probably worse than anything i have felt in a very very long time, but ill live. nothing ever works out i guess. i mean what you see in your head; this perfect situation where everything is right with the world... it never works out. you work on life and the situations it puts you in and in the end it just works. nothing ever picture perfect, but it works. you fall down, you get back up. you try and you fail and you try again and i get that.
i was just hoping that we could fail together. ya know?