Angsty piece of s*it
Well... Here I am again. Usually when I am sad, I write my poems, it helps me express what I feel and what I think. But when I don´t have mood for writing, I do this. Write everything I want to say somewhere.
I attend high school now, freshman. And things began to happen. I finally found some friends, new roommates and whole new life. For last one or two years I used to close myself and just be... alone. I built two meters thick wall to pretct myself from the "school´s queens" and now, my wall started to fade. Everything seemed great. One of my schoolmates became my best friend, I totally trust him, I would tell him anything and I am ding my best not to lose this friend. The things is... I don´t actually think this friend would do this back. This is absolutely self-centered, I know. But... it feels like, when I am not happy, I can´t make happy people around me. And, that´s what I am trying to do.
He even said he would left, if he could. If there was no thing like being "the new one". And I am so scared he will do it next year. He is maybe lazy, our school is hard to study but definitely not impossible. And after my best friends just betrayed me some time ago, I just wanted not to have friends. Now, when I thought it could be the right time to be social again...he would left? Really? I know he doesn´t understand how I feel, and he doesn´t care, I am sure. I admit, it´s not the though of him leaving what scres me the most. I could expect it. For last months he told me we are friends, how great I am for telling him truth about things, how much we like each other and how we will end this school like friends and I was stupid enough to believe this fairy tale. To believe that friends actually exist. I mean... why didn´t he leave in the beginning? When nobody knew him, when nobody would miss him? I think I want and need the stupid wall around me again. I was fine.
I am really trying to be good friend, not to make any enemies. Have fun with everybody, but I just feel I can´t do jokes when I feel like piece of cloth. I think I will just stop tryinhg to please him, to pretend how happy I am. He doesn´t seem to care anyway...