Feeling Messy....
I’m feeling this huge frusteration in my body yesterday and today. I feel like screaming. Like I want to get mad at someone but no one really deserves it. I feel stuck in my life. Like maybe I made a wrong choice doing this performing thing. It feels like it doesn’t mean anything. Like I’m not going to feel fulfilled if this is what I do with my life. Fuck. I don’t know what I want. I mean ok, I love performing, love being on stage, working, whatever. But I really don’t think that this is going to change the world in the way I want to or allow me to travel and do the work I want to do. Oprah was so good today. About AIDS and HIV. I remember how politically drawn I am when a point was made that one of the main reasons there is now a mini Africa in the US in regards to aids is because our culture has allowed it. We have allowed men to treat women as objects and to degrade and demean them. Something my mother has been saying for a long time. I don’t understand where our culture went wrong in fighting for equality and an end to sexism, racism, etc. and now we’re pretty much back to where we started. Essentially I feel like it is an indirect sexual enslavement of women. Boys growing up, my generation and the one before mine all feel this fucking entitlement to having a bitch or a woman who’s booty should be shook on national and international television. I have a huge belief that music and the media are HUGE causes for this. I look at music today and I almost want to cry. Every generation before us has had at least one music LEGEND who has lived on through the years to be replayed and to have their message heard to generations that succeeded them. The Beatles, Madonna, Elvis, Johnny Cash. We have nothing like that. Nothing that moves us in any positive way. Nothing that has become an epidemic in our country that has infected the minds of all young people other than negative, violent Rap/R&B/Hip Hop or Britney Spears or some other pop star half fucking naked humping some big buff guy. Turn on the TV its soft porn, the Radio is foul language. And we allow it. We allow it take over and to be the means of supposed cultural expression for this generation. And then we wonder why rape stats go up, why STDs are up, HIV and AIDS are up, why there’s more gun violence why no one respects their elders, why there is more drug use, prostitution. Because we let it happen. In our north american view of becoming rich and powerful we’ve let go of any responsibility of any consciousness of what is polluting the air waves and our schools. Perhaps its that our governments have become so fucking corrupt and ill-led that they are now welcoming this negativity into our lives because it’s a distraction from what they are doing, how they are fucking up the rest of our lives??? So they promote it or accept it and we watch as the world goes to shit. And then I sit here and I think well fuck me- I see what’s going on and I am passionate about it, so what fucking right do I have to think that I can just go be a performer… God its so screwed up. I still think I want to go to school… I have to find a way to channel all of this. Like these days I feel like I almost have RAGE over Afghanistan, Iraq, Africa, fucking Canada with our fucking bullshit child prostitution, oil wars, nuclear bombs, and people’s lack of AWARENESS and KNOWLEDGE of it all! Like jesus christ, where have you all been all this time? Like I don’t even watch the news or read papers and I’m aware and thinking about the consequences of all of the bullshit that’s going on around us. I get so mad at things like fucking blowing Madonna adopting a bloody African baby becoming HEADLINE FUCKING NEWS, when that amount of money that went into reporting that story in a negative way could have fed and clothed African families for MONTHS! In this modern day society our priorities have shifted of the fucking map and I feel so fucking helpless to whats going to happen in the future. I feel like I have no control and no say and I want one and I want to DO something about all this bullshit and lies and cheating and violence and everything that some bloody politicians say what makes progress. I need an outlet. Help. Do I go back to school? What do I do? I want to be home and able to talk about this….thoughts?