Sep 17, 2005 20:27
Who do you look up to?
Alternately, up to whom do you look?
It can be anonymous if you want. I'm turning off the IP address logging thing for a few days.
edit Um, oops. It refuses to let you be anonymous, so I made it public.
public,
journal
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Years ago I used to be very jealous of my friend who is an amazing writer, and I tried to make my stories flow like hers and my characters real like hers; to make my poems sound as beautiful as hers without rhyme. I was also jealous of my friend who is an amazing artist, and I'd look at her drawings as I sketched in pencil, making several soft strokes for each line the way she did. I was also jealous of my friend who was always so happy and looked like she was having so much fun every minute of her life--I was serious and thoughtful and easily upset and I tried to be silly and bouncy like her.
And if I wasn't good enough to be like them, I thought, I wasn't good enough for anyone.
That's why I try not to look up to people now, not really. Trying to -become- people back then ruined me at the time, made me a self-deprecating little thing. But there's still something I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of myself. I'm jealous of the way that my writing can sound beautiful and I can be so composed on paper; I can make so much sense and never stumble over words, I can tell good jokes and not leave people with one eyebrow raised. But in real life, although I really do like myself quite a bit, I just sometimes wish I wasn't such a spaz and that I didn't repel people quite as much as I do. Because I do, there's no denying it. People start thinking I'm strange very quickly, whereas on the internet they don't really.
This sounds very depressed, and that's something I'm not at all...but I guess at the moment I'm not really feeling my best so it's just what comes to mind. *shrug*
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