Tonight is the night I realize what is killing.

[trumpetaddict]

This second semester of my college experience has been a wreck of passion, break, emptiness, and ultimately the search for what I am really prepared for in my life. I have reconnected with someone that meant a lot to me in the past and means a lot to me now. It is a good feeling to know that this person is in my life. Then again, every day is stained by the past, the past that is shadowed with loss. It makes every day a possible day I might loose what I hold dear. This is no way to persevere. Hopefully this feeling will go away, but in the mean time, I will have to persevere. What I know now is I don't forget the past easily. I hope that is good thing. The dorms have added an extra weight on my back. This monotonous life of parties, colorless dorm halls, and the daily grind of the same routine has stolen something from me, though I don't know what this something is. Me? Is that what 'it' stole... Me? Possibly. At first glance, I thought this place was freedom, life full. Aesthetically, Alvarado Hall was a chunky perfection where people came together. Times were great when I thought this, great. Times changed though, and I am beginning to see how I am constrained, asphyxiated living in this room. The heater broke at the beginning of this semester. It now remains a consistent 85 to 90 degrees in Alvarado 108. Perhaps that has changed my mood. My roommate, one of my best friends is awesome, and he has been a great friend to me. But, now, I see our relationship strained. It is an Alpha dog, dog eat dog world, and I am not used to with that. I don't compete in this manner. The television is on most of the time, which is not my decision. I don't agree with that. Life should be experienced firsthand, not through the confines of someone else's view point. The food in the local cafeteria, LaPo, is nauseating, hard to digest. I wish someone would tell the staff that pineapple does not go on ham. I wish the staff would stop making chicken. I wish I could eat something once that is wholesome. I feel as if the breath of who I am is sucked away with everyday I live in this decrepit place. Life isn't a full bag of hell though. My roommate brought me to discover the true nature of climbing, beyond my limited view. As I fine tune my climbing, I feel as if I am fine tuning who I am through a balance of meditation and physical grace. My body is my instrument on the rocks. As I mentioned before, I am forever grateful to whatever is out there for letting me find that someone in my life. And that someone is amazing. Life is amazing with her. I hope it stays that way for a while. I hope it stays that way for a long while.
We are all going to die one day. Little things kill us slowly, eating away at what makes us simply us. It is hard to purge those little things from our life. Yet, I know, all I need to do to make my life fulfilling is to find what fills my life fully. A life lived fully is a life worth living.
Alex