First couple pages of "February 14th
“I’m not going,” I insisted as Kaitlin and Helen sifted through my closet, trying to find the blue cocktail dress that I had planned to wear that night. “Really guys, I don’t want to go: you can’t make me.”
“Paige, listen to me and listen well: you are going to this party tonight.” Kaitlin pulled my curling iron out of the drawer and tossed it onto my bed for later use. “We have been planning to go for three weeks-“
“Four weeks,” Helen cut in.
“Four weeks! And there is no way that we are letting you sit here feeling sorry for yourself just because you don’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.” Kaitlin said.
“It isn’t just that I don’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day! It’s the fact that I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day! For that matter, I’ve never had a boyfriend! I’m going to be single my entire life, just watch: when I’m sixty years old I will be the old dog lady in whatever neighborhood I curse with my wretched presence!” I flopped down onto my bed and pulled my pillow over my face. “I’m not going!” I grumbled through it.
“Yes,” Helen ripped the pillow away and tossed it onto my roommate’s bed, “you are. You were so excited when we got invited, and now you’re the one who doesn’t want to go!”
“Listen, it’s been a really crummy day ok? I just don’t feel like going out!” I turned to face my wall.
“Paige, you said you would be attending on Facebook. You have to go.” Kaitlin said.
“What does Facebook have to do with anything?” I demanded.
“Nothing at all,” she replied, “But you would be lying to the hosts of the party if you didn’t go now.”
“And how would Jason feel, hmm?” Helen asked me.
I groaned. Jason was one of my closest friends: a big, cuddly gay man I had met in my college marching band. The party that night was his… and if I didn’t go, his feelings would probably be hurt. “Fine,” I sighed, sitting back up again. “We’ll go.” I smiled. “It could be fun to let loose tonight.”
“And cut loose we will!” Kaitlin said as she held my beautiful, ocean blue cocktail dress and a pair of black high heels out to me.
“Party time!” Nick cheered as we stepped out of the car. He, Kaitlin, Helen and I had all been looking forward to this party for a long time. School had gotten hectic lately, and even though I didn’t drink the thought of letting loose for a night was an exciting one.
Jason, a few months before, had had the ‘fantabulous’ idea of throwing a Valentine’s Day cocktail party for members of the marching band. No kegs of beer for this group: cocktail attire was required to match the drinks, and the only frat boys who would be showing up were the members of the band’s service fraternity.
As we walked across the parking lot, I was secretly grateful to my friends for dragging me along: after all, I HAD wanted to come to this party for the last four weeks. It didn’t change the fact that Nick and Helen would be together (they were, after all, dating) and Kaitlin would be off socializing, but it would give me a chance see band members that I hadn’t seen in a while and maybe even dance to a song or too.
But, as we opened the door and stepped into the dimly lit apartment music, as music washed over us and the faint scent of alcohol met our noses, I took a deep breath ran my hand through my freshly curled and sprayed hair. I looked down at the floor for a moment, my eyes resting on my black high heels, and tried to hide the glimmer of unhappiness that had passed across my features: no matter how I painted it, it was Valentine’s Day, and I would be spending the evening in a cozy little corner.
“Paige!” a familiar voice called.
“JAY-SON!” I cried, letting my somber mood fall aside as I looked up. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in weeks!”
“Oh I know, but school has been getting tougher.” Jason gave me a great big bear hug. “I’m so glad you came!”
“Me too!” I replied with a smile. “It’s going to be a great party.”
“Thank you, thank you,” he patted my head. “Have a good time tonight! I have to run off now and be host-ly to everyone, but please please please have a drink, mingle, do some dancing… don’t you dare be a wallflower missy!”
I laughed. “You caught me! All right, all right, I won’t be a wall flower.”
“Thanks sweetheart. You’ll thank me later, I promise!” With one last quick hug, he moved past me to go talk to other party goers.
“Yeah, if I catch you near the corner I’m going to forcefully drag you out of it.” Kaitlin winked at me.
“Ok guys, enough of this… let’s get to some partying!” Without another word, Nick led the way into the kitchen. He sniffed out three red cups of wine within a few seconds and handed one each to Kaitlin and Helen: I didn’t drink. “Here is to us… and to having an awesome time tonight.” Nick, Helen and Kaitlin clapped their cups together. I smiled and gave them an amiable thumbs up.
“Hey guys, I’ll be right back.” I said as I turned away and walked out of the tiny kitchen. Within a few moments I found the bathroom and I stepped inside the cool dark sanctuary, locking the door behind me.
I took a deep breath and the music of the party was muffled by the walls: the darkness of the unlit bathroom seemed to wrap around me, like a cloak, and I sighed as a feeling of calm and comfort washed over me. After a moment I turned on the bathroom light and looked up at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Even to my own eyes I looked pretty that night. My deep blue cocktail dress was a strapless one that had a bold black ribbon that tied into a bow on my back: the color made my eyes seem bluer, my skin paler (and my freckles more noticeable) and my hair a deeper shade of mahogany. The black heels I wore made me seem a few inches taller and they forced me to stand up straight. And then, of course, there were the make-up and hair jobs that Kaitlin and Helen had prided themselves in. My normally straight dull hair was curled in loose spirals, and black eyeliner and red lipstick worked with my skin to complete the “porcelain doll” ensemble that I hadn’t been going for.
I hadn’t looked this pretty in a long time… I smiled as prettily as I could, all the while secretly myself that it didn’t matter. I had no one to look pretty for, other than that mirror.
“No sulking,” I told myself forcefully. “You just haven’t found your match yet, that’s all.” I looked fiercely into my own eyes. “The longer you’re single, the more you mope, and the less likely you are to find someone who relates to you. Now, have fun tonight: you owe it to your friends and to yourself.”
“I feel kind of awkward,” Kaitlin murmured over her red cup. I couldn’t exactly disagree with her sentiments: we were standing together up against a wall, looking out at the crowd of people crammed into the apartment. Though we both knew a large number of people in the room it appeared that “party cliques” had already formed, and I could already tell that it would be tough to break into one of them.
“There’s Krystal… want to try talking to her?” Kaitlin asked, looking across the room.
“Nah, look, she’s with Ricky and Casey. That’d be walking into an awkward situation.” I replied, pointing Krystal’s best friend and boyfriend.
“Damn it,” Kaitlin grumbled, taking a sip of wine. “So I guess we will be the founding members of Wallflowers Anonymous then?”
“I guess so,” I chuckled as I allowed my eyes to wander through the party. “The music isn’t that good: otherwise I would dance.”
“By yourself?” Kaitlin chuckled. “You, really?”
“Eh, why not?” I shrugged. “No one would notice. Everyone is too busy getting drunk or hooking up.”
“I can’t argue with that,” she smiled as she took another sip of wine.