the cool old/dead guy list
this is mostly a list "for teh lulz".
the criteria:
1. be male
2. be older than 45, OR
3. be dead, AND
4. be awesome. OR
5. be sexy, OR
6. both 4 and 5
how did it come about? well, my beloved calculus teacher in high school was bemoaning turning 51 and being uncool. i said something along the lines of "it's okay, you're still cool on my list! you can be on my cool old guy list!"
...hence, i made a list. there are a names missing from the list here and there, and i patch it up from time to time. no particular order.
Cool Old/Dead Guy List
1. Alan Rickman:
Because he's sexy. His voice and the way he moves, especially in his more devious roles. He's a good actor, but has had the distinction of being in quite a few mediocre movies. In "Mesmer", he did the most poorly-executed kissing scene I have ever seen in my life. It was hilariously sad. Still, if I had Alan Rickman locked up in a room, first I would make him recite me poetry, and then I'd fuck him. Mesmer is kind of a bad movie, but AR's acting in it is a sensual treat.
2. David Bowie
Also sexy. The eyes, the hair - and when he sings, the tone and punctuations in his voice convey all the moods inherent in the song. "Let's Dance" is regarded as his sellout album, but he has beautiful voice inflections in that album - "if you should fall, into my arms, and tremble like a ... flo-wer!" The way he sings it conveys all.
3. Tim Curry
Sexy? Tim Curry also has a delightful voice - in a deep, languid, indulgent way. Have you ever listened to his arrogant laugh? - "a-ha, ha, HA!" Dear me, it's deliciously sinister. He played Dr. Frankenfurter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island. Gotta love that guy.
4. Vincent Price
Another sexy voice! He is like three-quarters the reason to listen to "Thriller": "Darkness falls across the land... the midnight hour is close at hand..." In plenty of Edgar Allan Poe adaptations, Mr. Price's dramatic, sinister, tortured, possessed acting style is awesome and absorbing.
5. Anthony Bourdain
This guy is sex on legs. He's tall, thin, wiry, gray-haired, and makes smoking look sexy. He travels the world and samples the culinary culture of all peoples. He has a sort of rebellious, wise-ass attitude, but he is truly appreciative of all life has to offer and has good insight on what truly matters. Sexy sexy sexy.
6. Leonard Nimoy
Now, I'm a nerd. And I like original Star Trek. All you ladies can keep Captain Kirk to yourselves, because for me, it's all about Spock. The strict, restrained, formal manner in which he does things is somehow appealing - you say to yourself, "God damn it, Spock, get emotional for once!" You know it's lurking in him, he's half-human after all.
Plus, Leonard Nimoy did the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. I know of no one who argues with the internet-awesomeness of that.
7. John C. Calhoun
I can't think of any logical reason why I like him: I just saw a portrait of him in my American history textbook and said, "Yeah." He was pro-slavery, but I kind of like that he was totally crazy and radical, and completely devoted to his crazy radical beliefs. Also, he has crazy eyes and crazy hair. Crazy sexy.
8. Alexander Hamilton
Seriously? He's the sexiest man on money. Look at a ten-dollar bill sometime, and I dare you to tell me you wouldn't tap that.
9. Ben Kingsley
My love for Ben Kingsley comes from his diversity of acting roles: He played selfless, pious Gandhi (Gandhi, 1982); desperate Itzhak Stern (Schindler's List, 1993); corrupted Russian drug trafficker Ilya Grinko (Transsiberian, 2008); and most recently - aging, intellectual, relationship-evading David Kepesh who romances one of his college students (Elegy, 2008). He's talented.
10. Rod Stewart
Rod Stewart is a manwhore, let's not kid ourselves. But for some reason, I still like him and his music. He's blatantly indulgent in chasing young skirts around, and I'm for that, in spite of him being pretty stereotypical and kind of Las-Vegas about it. "Hot Legs" is pretty relevant to the whole subject: "Imagine how my daddy felt, with your jet-black suspender belt - seventeen years old, and he's touching sixty-four". Suspender belt, by the way, is British English for "garter belt", as in stockings, as in sexy.
Yeah.
11. Ludwig van Beethoven
Sexy if you're talking about the maddened, disorganized, frustrated-passionate way in which he lived his poor life. Plus he wrote "Moonlight Sonata", one of my favorite classical pieces.
12. Mike Rowe
Honestly - this is the one of the few old guys my friend Kelly likes, so she demanded I put him on the list. I can't find the value in him, he just seems like a d00d to me.
13. M.B.
My calculus teacher from high school, who inspired the list - God, I love him. In a platonic way, now, but still, one has memories. I don't mention his name, out of respect. He always treated me like a reasonable, functioning adult; never like a child, and I appreciate that kind of respect. Plus, he and I shared the same black, bitter, sarcastic, frustrated humor.
14. Stanley Kubrick
He's not sexy, but he made some of my very favorite movies. Full Metal Jacket, A Clockwork Orange, Eyes Wide Shut, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dr. Strangelove - and the first attempt at a film adaptation of Lolita. The film standards back then made his version of Lolita very, VERY subtle and tame, but his attempt is well appreciated.
15. Cary Grant
Just an old movie star I love - everyone has a favorite from the old Hollywood era. He's ridiculously good-looking, and plays funny, witty, romantic roles. My personal favorites? An Affair to Remember, Bringing Up Baby, Arsenic and Old Lace.
16. Maynard James Keenan
Frontman for Tool, has an amazing voice, and writes most of the lyrics for Tool's songs - always intense and poetic.
17. Hugo Weaving
Played Agent Smith in The Matrix and V in V for Vendetta. Something about him is awesome.
18. Peter Stormare
He's the fucking SWEDISH GUY! He usually plays quirky, creepy, and dark roles - see Fargo and The Big Lebowski for more info. I also loved him as Lucifer in Constantine (even though that's a shitty movie) - and "Wolfgang" in the Volkswagen V-Dub ad campaign - "V-Dub, representing Deutschland, ja!"
19. Johnny Depp
There is no need to explain this, because popular culture and millions of fangirls have already explained it for us.
20. Antonio Banderas
My one most beloved Spanish actor. He played Che in Evita, and fucking sang!
21. P.M.
My dearly beloved English teacher - he was drop-dead gorgeous, very intelligent, and oh-so-unavailable. It was delicious torture to be around him. As a class, we watched a Woody Allen movie once (Love and Death), and the whole class loved it, and was just in shock that Woody Allen made good movies (poor dears) - they asked "What other good movies does he have, Mr. M? What's your favorite?" Mr. M looked pointedly at me when he said "My favorite? Oh... Manhattan."
Dear me!
22. Grigori Rasputin
I don't know why. Dude was just fuckin' crazy. And wouldn't die when they tried to kill him.
23. Charlie Chaplin
I've only seen one C.C. movie in earnest, but The Great Dictator is all I needed to see to know that the guy was awesome. Coupling wonderful silent-film-style, vaudeville humor with one of the most poignant monologues on film speaking out against Hitler and fascism - in its own time - makes it a wonderful movie, and marks Chaplin down in my books - regardless of anything else - a good man. Plus, he had several relationships with young ladies in his life.
24. Cedric Hardwicke
I've only seen one movie with him - the 1939 version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and he played Frollo. For us young ladies who remember the Disney version in the 90's, yeah, Frollo is creepy. But there is one scene in the 1939 version where Frollo appeals to Esmeralda to love him that Hardwicke executes perfectly - you can relate to his madness and desperation.
25. Robert Downey Jr.
Another one of Kelly's insistences - but RDJ is pretty funny in Tropic Thunder.
26. Crispin Glover
I like him because he's so damn creepy. Played the Thin Man in the recent Hollywoody Charlie's Angels movies, and Willard in the new version of, well, Willard. Plus, I kind of like his face.
27. R. Lee Ermey
Badass military dog. Has a History Channel show where he demonstrates military tactics and equipment on watermelons. Was in Full Metal Jacket. Not sexy, but badass.
28. Woody Allen
Need I say more? He's my neurotic New York Jew hero. He's funny and seems to know more about human relationships than the rest of us, even as he is as confused as the rest of us - and, well, Soon-Yi. And Manhattan.
And so! That is a partial list, anyway. I'm sure there are tons more floating in the back of my head, but these are all I can recall at the moment. So - yes.