You tell me.
Chatlog from Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. This is going to be posted in two entries because it's too long. Read them and tell me what you think.
12:28 AM me: i ought to cease conversing with you
12:29 AM Christian: oh yeah?
me: yeah
Christian: por qua?
12:31 AM me: you're reinforcing my original impulse when i had hoped you would lessen it
Christian: hm, yeah
sorry about that
me: i ought to make a list of reasons not to talk to you
12:32 AM Christian: 1) ...?
12:34 AM me: 1) because it's taking my mind away from what i ought to be thinking about, in more ways than one
12:35 AM Christian: i shouldn't be talking to you because a) eventually talking will give away to me dropping any moral guidlines
me: oh great, now it makes it seem like an unstoppable force. great. T_T
not helping
12:36 AM Christian: haha
12:37 AM me: this is what always happens to my relationships...
12:38 AM 1) sudden boredom
2) somebody interesting
3) break up for no good reason
4) pine over/get with interesting person
Christian: 5) goto 1
me: 5) rinse and repeat into eternity
12:39 AM Christian: at 19 there's nothing wrong with that
you're trying out different things
me: you know i was thinking about that
Christian: because i told you
me: yes
12:40 AM even though i'm 19, i made a commitment to be with someone
he even warned me i would lose the freedom to date around
Christian: but a committment at 19 usually doesn't mean for life
it may mean for a few months or a year
12:41 AM a breakup is expected
sooner or later
me: yes, but i don't want it to be because of this
this is the reason i broke up with boys in high school
Christian: which was a year ago
12:42 AM me: i don't want it to be the reason i break up with someone i really truly consciously wanted
12:43 AM i managed to convince myself last night that my relationship was more valuable than whatever anything else could offer
but i lost the conviction again today
Christian: you will break up with him eventually
me: and you are definitely not helping
12:44 AM Christian: the question is how long you're with him, what it gives you
maybe he is what you need right now
stability
boredom
predictability
and, eventually, that will not be enough, and then you move on
12:45 AM me: OR YOU COULD SEE WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER 2
!
Christian: true
you will, eventually
me: but it's not like a relationship is a nonrefillable cookie jar. i can put more cookies in it.
Christian: or chocolate
12:46 AM me: whichever
12:47 AM i know i've been unfaithful when i am not thinking about him when i'm without him, and thinking about someone else when i'm with him
even if there was no sex involved
Christian: everybody does that
me: not all the time
12:48 AM i know now why i wrote to you again
Christian: ?
12:50 AM me: in the midst of my sudden downfall into boredom, i thought about what would be exciting. what you represent is what i've wanted for ages.
12:51 AM you were the only real professor to write
Christian: since geo prof is off limits
me: geo prof isn't interested
12:52 AM geo prof wasn't around in february
Christian: how do you know he isn't interested?
12:53 AM me: 1. married
2. probably kind of likes his job
3. 50 other girls in class, simple probability issue
4. ?
Christian: there's a problem with turning fantasies into realities
me: that being? (i probably already know, but clarify)
12:54 AM Christian: not what you thought it would be like
and now you've lost a perfectly good fantasy
12:55 AM me: oh but the insatiable desire for experience!
Christian: this is oh so true
12:56 AM me: and yet i don't know if i like you, or merely what you represent - same for you.
12:57 AM Christian: i couldn't have a relationship with you
if that's what you want... well...
me: if i did i wouldn't know at this point
12:59 AM all the focus is on the fact that you're a professor and you have an office.
Christian: haha
and you want to be pressed against the door of that office
1:00 AM me: or your couch or desk or bookshelf
i've been fucked in an office before, but it wasn't an academic office, and hence it wasn't quite what i was looking for
Christian: hm
me: in fact there was no danger of getting caught
1:01 AM it was really quite "pretend"
Christian: you wear skirts?
me: i own some and can wear them
1:02 AM Christian: hm, again
me: yet i don't know if it's worth it
1:03 AM Christian: i think the consensus so far is that I'm worth it, but your milage may vary, of course
1:06 AM me: picture my mind right now as a concert hall full of people. they are all stupid people, except for maybe 3 or 4. the person on stage asks them, high-school-pep-rally style "DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?!" to which all the stupid people reply "YES!" but the 3 or 4 smart, rational, reasonable, morally-beholden people shout "NO DON'T YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!!!" except they are in the back row right now where no one can hear them.
1:07 AM Christian: hormones vs. reason
me: yes
Christian: reason is the perennial loser
hence religion
1:08 AM me: i hate religion
and myself
Christian: now there's a T-shirt slogan for you
1:09 AM I have a T-shirt that says "Recovering Christian"
1:10 AM me: nice
1:11 AM reason tells me that this isn't worth it, at least not at this point
Christian: go reason go!!!
ra ra ra!
I always pull for the underdog
Gould-Simpson 758, 7th floor
1:12 AM me: yes, i know
this time i did google you
Christian: haha
1:13 AM me: i feel like the sensible (not necessarily sensitive) thing to do is keep you in reserve for a day i happen to be single
Christian: gee, thanks
1:14 AM me: i didn't say it was sensitive
or nice
or considerate
Christian: my ex gf asked me a few months ago (before we broke up): "if no one else wants me, will you have me?"
me: aww
1:15 AM Christian: yeah, sweet, wasn't it
me: no "aww" as in "that's sad, i'm sorry"
Christian: i know
1:16 AM me: i know i'm being ridiculous
Christian: welcome to the real world
me: oh don't say that
1:17 AM :p
1:18 AM i shouldn't treat you like a rain check
12:28 AM me: i ought to cease conversing with you
12:29 AM Christian: oh yeah?
me: yeah
Christian: por qua?
12:31 AM me: you're reinforcing my original impulse when i had hoped you would lessen it
Christian: hm, yeah
sorry about that
me: i ought to make a list of reasons not to talk to you
12:32 AM Christian: 1) ...?
12:34 AM me: 1) because it's taking my mind away from what i ought to be thinking about, in more ways than one
12:35 AM Christian: i shouldn't be talking to you because a) eventually talking will give away to me dropping any moral guidlines
me: oh great, now it makes it seem like an unstoppable force. great. T_T
not helping
12:36 AM Christian: haha
12:37 AM me: this is what always happens to my relationships...
12:38 AM 1) sudden boredom
2) somebody interesting
3) break up for no good reason
4) pine over/get with interesting person
Christian: 5) goto 1
me: 5) rinse and repeat into eternity
12:39 AM Christian: at 19 there's nothing wrong with that
you're trying out different things
me: you know i was thinking about that
Christian: because i told you
me: yes
12:40 AM even though i'm 19, i made a commitment to be with someone
he even warned me i would lose the freedom to date around
Christian: but a committment at 19 usually doesn't mean for life
it may mean for a few months or a year
12:41 AM a breakup is expected
sooner or later
me: yes, but i don't want it to be because of this
this is the reason i broke up with boys in high school
Christian: which was a year ago
12:42 AM me: i don't want it to be the reason i break up with someone i really truly consciously wanted
12:43 AM i managed to convince myself last night that my relationship was more valuable than whatever anything else could offer
but i lost the conviction again today
Christian: you will break up with him eventually
me: and you are definitely not helping
12:44 AM Christian: the question is how long you're with him, what it gives you
maybe he is what you need right now
stability
boredom
predictability
and, eventually, that will not be enough, and then you move on
12:45 AM me: OR YOU COULD SEE WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER 2
!
Christian: true
you will, eventually
me: but it's not like a relationship is a nonrefillable cookie jar. i can put more cookies in it.
Christian: or chocolate
12:46 AM me: whichever
12:47 AM i know i've been unfaithful when i am not thinking about him when i'm without him, and thinking about someone else when i'm with him
even if there was no sex involved
Christian: everybody does that
me: not all the time
12:48 AM i know now why i wrote to you again
Christian: ?
12:50 AM me: in the midst of my sudden downfall into boredom, i thought about what would be exciting. what you represent is what i've wanted for ages.
12:51 AM you were the only real professor to write
Christian: since geo prof is off limits
me: geo prof isn't interested
12:52 AM geo prof wasn't around in february
Christian: how do you know he isn't interested?
12:53 AM me: 1. married
2. probably kind of likes his job
3. 50 other girls in class, simple probability issue
4. ?
Christian: there's a problem with turning fantasies into realities
me: that being? (i probably already know, but clarify)
12:54 AM Christian: not what you thought it would be like
and now you've lost a perfectly good fantasy
12:55 AM me: oh but the insatiable desire for experience!
Christian: this is oh so true
12:56 AM me: and yet i don't know if i like you, or merely what you represent - same for you.
12:57 AM Christian: i couldn't have a relationship with you
if that's what you want... well...
me: if i did i wouldn't know at this point
12:59 AM all the focus is on the fact that you're a professor and you have an office.
Christian: haha
and you want to be pressed against the door of that office
1:00 AM me: or your couch or desk or bookshelf
i've been fucked in an office before, but it wasn't an academic office, and hence it wasn't quite what i was looking for
Christian: hm
me: in fact there was no danger of getting caught
1:01 AM it was really quite "pretend"
Christian: you wear skirts?
me: i own some and can wear them
1:02 AM Christian: hm, again
me: yet i don't know if it's worth it
1:03 AM Christian: i think the consensus so far is that I'm worth it, but your milage may vary, of course
1:06 AM me: picture my mind right now as a concert hall full of people. they are all stupid people, except for maybe 3 or 4. the person on stage asks them, high-school-pep-rally style "DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?!" to which all the stupid people reply "YES!" but the 3 or 4 smart, rational, reasonable, morally-beholden people shout "NO DON'T YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!!!" except they are in the back row right now where no one can hear them.
1:07 AM Christian: hormones vs. reason
me: yes
Christian: reason is the perennial loser
hence religion
1:08 AM me: i hate religion
and myself
Christian: now there's a T-shirt slogan for you
1:09 AM I have a T-shirt that says "Recovering Christian"
1:10 AM me: nice
1:11 AM reason tells me that this isn't worth it, at least not at this point
Christian: go reason go!!!
ra ra ra!
I always pull for the underdog
Gould-Simpson 758, 7th floor
1:12 AM me: yes, i know
this time i did google you
Christian: haha
1:13 AM me: i feel like the sensible (not necessarily sensitive) thing to do is keep you in reserve for a day i happen to be single
Christian: gee, thanks
1:14 AM me: i didn't say it was sensitive
or nice
or considerate
Christian: my ex gf asked me a few months ago (before we broke up): "if no one else wants me, will you have me?"
me: aww
1:15 AM Christian: yeah, sweet, wasn't it
me: no "aww" as in "that's sad, i'm sorry"
Christian: i know
1:16 AM me: i know i'm being ridiculous
Christian: welcome to the real world
me: oh don't say that
1:17 AM :p
1:18 AM i shouldn't treat you like a rain check