Still waters
I must get some of this out...because I'm so busy being strong for him that I haven't taken time to contemplate my own weakness.
I don't know if I should tell him about the moment of weakness, the temptation of the Rune. It's been so long since I've had someone close enough to me for the Rune to use against me, to point out to me that I could use it to protect said person. When it was one of the other Fire Bringer, I always dismissed it because they had True Runes and could take care of themselves. It's much harder to ignore the temptation outright. I held it back, I didn't let it do what I know it wanted to do...but it's been prickling at me ever since. Moreso when I'm reminded of its presence, or its place in my life compared to Sigurd. I know better than to listen to it but that won't stop it from whispering to me. I've been trying to steer my mind to other things, because if I don't, I know what the next step is: the dreams. The last thing Sigurd needs right now is me tossing and turning next to him. I don't want to hurt him.
I have been doing my best to give him the space he needs, to think, and to simply feel all of this out. He is water-aligned and a gentle soul on top of that, so it doesn't surprise me that it's all hitting him so hard. He is emotive, he's a feeler. I knew that when I watched him literally worry himself sick over hurting either me or Bernadette. I'm not letting him do it to himself this time, I'm making sure to keep him well-fed and rested, and lying with him in bed until he falls asleep. I've only been able to get out and roam the castle when he's napping, because he doesn't seem to want to be alone. That's fine...I don't think I want to be alone, either. I've offered to let him be, but he just reaches out and clings to me all the more. It worries me, a little, that the strength of our bond only makes his empathetic sense stronger, because it could indeed be taken for weakness. But he's not weak. I wish he could just see that. If anything, he's a better man than I because he does question the necessity of taking a life.
We are both mercenaries, of a sort. But that doesn't mean we're killers by nature. I kill when I must, like when I had to eliminate the Kage who had captured me. I knew they would not stop until they were dead, and I gave them chances to back off. I don't regret it in the least, but I am, after all, still a colder soul than Sigurd. He has warmed me considerably, but I'm not completely changed. What I want to tell him, if he'll hear it, is that there are often more choices than just kill, or be killed. But most of the time, we don't see, or can't see, the other choices, because those two are so obvious. He and Alenia had many other choices, and I extended one to him, Kyle extended one to Alenia. We were, if anything, a second too late. If only I'd not hesitated in front of Luca, and just agreed to call the order to Sigurd instead of stewing over it for an extra minute, he might not have come to the conclusion that he had to act or he would die. In that, neither of us are blameless, but then, neither is Alenia.
I know he must sort this out before we begin working for the 12th...but something Kyle said...makes me think perhaps...I need to ask myself the same hard questions. Not about killing...about whether what I'm doing is right. I want Sigurd to trust me, I want him to put his life into my keeping and take mine into his, just as we promised in that dark chamber. I want us to be able to walk into any battle together with our heads high, having no fear that we will lose each other, or hinder each other, or that we can't trust each other to protect and win. And I have come to the conclusion, privately, that if he decides that he can't be a mercenary because of this, then...I won't be angry. Disappointed, perhaps, that I won't have him at my side in the field, but I will get over that. I would rather have him alive, safe, sane, and his true self than force him to be a mercenary. And here...here is where Kyle's words echo back at me.
He said he chose to leave the Sun Palace and join the Prince's rebellion because his presence in the palace amounted to tacit agreement with his enemies' plans and policies. Now, I am by no means a moral man, I don't have a lot of strong values, but I do know right from wrong, and I do know that I am Harmonia's enemy. I only work with the Defense Force because I need to keep abreast on what Harmonia is doing, so I can be a step ahead of them when they come for me, the way I was a step ahead of them when the truce expired and they moved into the Grasslands. I had not, until I came here, even considered retiring, or finding something else to do. When I did ponder it, I always rejected it because I know how bored I'll get just sitting around here. I have to be out doing something, I need action. I am the lightning; I need to be free, released, ready to strike. I'm not Wyatt, I can't settle down and be a knitter like he is a baker. Yet...am I unwittingly giving the impression that I agree with Harmonia's policies, their mere existence, by being on their payroll? After all they've done? After destroying my home and any anchor I had with a place or a time, ruining the lives of so many, enslaving, killing, pillaging, and on top of that, trying to hoard True Runes? Is there any good reason why I still call myself a Harmonian mercenary when I hate Harmonia with a deep, cold hatred?
Now is not the time to be up and quitting. I don't have any other plans, or anything else to do. I will wait to see what Sigurd says, after he runs everything through his head a few more times and comes out of his darkness. If he is still committed to working alongside me, then I will need to think more seriously about what I'm putting us both into. I can see, in his eyes, that no matter how much this tortures him, he doesn't want to give up being a pirate for good. I think, more than anything, he simply needs to adjust his thinking of what a pirate is. I will give him the space to make his decisions before I make any for myself, which affect us both. I just don't know what the hell I would do with myself if I had to look for another job. As long as my life could potentially be, my potch won't last me for the rest of it, and I would get so bored and restless not working...I don't want to become and insufferable, moody partner.
Damn Lightning needs to shut up already. I am not going to use it on anyone here, inside the castle. I refuse to. Sigurd is not delicate, he can take care of himself, and I can protect him without releasing True Rune spells. I won't tempt it, and I won't leave even the smallest door open for it to feed off my emotions and spiral out of control. I never felt like I could lose control of True Lightning, I always have had a firm understanding and a fairly stable relationship with it. But I've never had unstable, changeable, deep-running emotions like this before. I can see exactly where that door leads...if I was provoked just enough, if someone hurt Sigurd that badly, I know that I would be dangerously close to letting a storm explode and take out half the continent. I must practice restraint...I must balance my feelings for him with the logic of the situation. I don't want to stop feeling...god, I don't want to stop, at all...but it's going to take some hard thinking before I can divine a way of both feeling and not, of being awash in these boundless emotions that tie me to Sigurd and yet not swept away by them. Damn. My metaphors are turning to water, I've been spending too much time with the water-aligned companions in my life.
Maybe it's enough that I'm aware of it. The greatest danger to a man in my position is to be completely ignorant and let it sneak up on me. I won't let that happen.
I think I hear him coming back in...that will have to be enough for now. He needs me to be stable, and I will be that for him. That, and more.
I don't know if I should tell him about the moment of weakness, the temptation of the Rune. It's been so long since I've had someone close enough to me for the Rune to use against me, to point out to me that I could use it to protect said person. When it was one of the other Fire Bringer, I always dismissed it because they had True Runes and could take care of themselves. It's much harder to ignore the temptation outright. I held it back, I didn't let it do what I know it wanted to do...but it's been prickling at me ever since. Moreso when I'm reminded of its presence, or its place in my life compared to Sigurd. I know better than to listen to it but that won't stop it from whispering to me. I've been trying to steer my mind to other things, because if I don't, I know what the next step is: the dreams. The last thing Sigurd needs right now is me tossing and turning next to him. I don't want to hurt him.
I have been doing my best to give him the space he needs, to think, and to simply feel all of this out. He is water-aligned and a gentle soul on top of that, so it doesn't surprise me that it's all hitting him so hard. He is emotive, he's a feeler. I knew that when I watched him literally worry himself sick over hurting either me or Bernadette. I'm not letting him do it to himself this time, I'm making sure to keep him well-fed and rested, and lying with him in bed until he falls asleep. I've only been able to get out and roam the castle when he's napping, because he doesn't seem to want to be alone. That's fine...I don't think I want to be alone, either. I've offered to let him be, but he just reaches out and clings to me all the more. It worries me, a little, that the strength of our bond only makes his empathetic sense stronger, because it could indeed be taken for weakness. But he's not weak. I wish he could just see that. If anything, he's a better man than I because he does question the necessity of taking a life.
We are both mercenaries, of a sort. But that doesn't mean we're killers by nature. I kill when I must, like when I had to eliminate the Kage who had captured me. I knew they would not stop until they were dead, and I gave them chances to back off. I don't regret it in the least, but I am, after all, still a colder soul than Sigurd. He has warmed me considerably, but I'm not completely changed. What I want to tell him, if he'll hear it, is that there are often more choices than just kill, or be killed. But most of the time, we don't see, or can't see, the other choices, because those two are so obvious. He and Alenia had many other choices, and I extended one to him, Kyle extended one to Alenia. We were, if anything, a second too late. If only I'd not hesitated in front of Luca, and just agreed to call the order to Sigurd instead of stewing over it for an extra minute, he might not have come to the conclusion that he had to act or he would die. In that, neither of us are blameless, but then, neither is Alenia.
I know he must sort this out before we begin working for the 12th...but something Kyle said...makes me think perhaps...I need to ask myself the same hard questions. Not about killing...about whether what I'm doing is right. I want Sigurd to trust me, I want him to put his life into my keeping and take mine into his, just as we promised in that dark chamber. I want us to be able to walk into any battle together with our heads high, having no fear that we will lose each other, or hinder each other, or that we can't trust each other to protect and win. And I have come to the conclusion, privately, that if he decides that he can't be a mercenary because of this, then...I won't be angry. Disappointed, perhaps, that I won't have him at my side in the field, but I will get over that. I would rather have him alive, safe, sane, and his true self than force him to be a mercenary. And here...here is where Kyle's words echo back at me.
He said he chose to leave the Sun Palace and join the Prince's rebellion because his presence in the palace amounted to tacit agreement with his enemies' plans and policies. Now, I am by no means a moral man, I don't have a lot of strong values, but I do know right from wrong, and I do know that I am Harmonia's enemy. I only work with the Defense Force because I need to keep abreast on what Harmonia is doing, so I can be a step ahead of them when they come for me, the way I was a step ahead of them when the truce expired and they moved into the Grasslands. I had not, until I came here, even considered retiring, or finding something else to do. When I did ponder it, I always rejected it because I know how bored I'll get just sitting around here. I have to be out doing something, I need action. I am the lightning; I need to be free, released, ready to strike. I'm not Wyatt, I can't settle down and be a knitter like he is a baker. Yet...am I unwittingly giving the impression that I agree with Harmonia's policies, their mere existence, by being on their payroll? After all they've done? After destroying my home and any anchor I had with a place or a time, ruining the lives of so many, enslaving, killing, pillaging, and on top of that, trying to hoard True Runes? Is there any good reason why I still call myself a Harmonian mercenary when I hate Harmonia with a deep, cold hatred?
Now is not the time to be up and quitting. I don't have any other plans, or anything else to do. I will wait to see what Sigurd says, after he runs everything through his head a few more times and comes out of his darkness. If he is still committed to working alongside me, then I will need to think more seriously about what I'm putting us both into. I can see, in his eyes, that no matter how much this tortures him, he doesn't want to give up being a pirate for good. I think, more than anything, he simply needs to adjust his thinking of what a pirate is. I will give him the space to make his decisions before I make any for myself, which affect us both. I just don't know what the hell I would do with myself if I had to look for another job. As long as my life could potentially be, my potch won't last me for the rest of it, and I would get so bored and restless not working...I don't want to become and insufferable, moody partner.
Damn Lightning needs to shut up already. I am not going to use it on anyone here, inside the castle. I refuse to. Sigurd is not delicate, he can take care of himself, and I can protect him without releasing True Rune spells. I won't tempt it, and I won't leave even the smallest door open for it to feed off my emotions and spiral out of control. I never felt like I could lose control of True Lightning, I always have had a firm understanding and a fairly stable relationship with it. But I've never had unstable, changeable, deep-running emotions like this before. I can see exactly where that door leads...if I was provoked just enough, if someone hurt Sigurd that badly, I know that I would be dangerously close to letting a storm explode and take out half the continent. I must practice restraint...I must balance my feelings for him with the logic of the situation. I don't want to stop feeling...god, I don't want to stop, at all...but it's going to take some hard thinking before I can divine a way of both feeling and not, of being awash in these boundless emotions that tie me to Sigurd and yet not swept away by them. Damn. My metaphors are turning to water, I've been spending too much time with the water-aligned companions in my life.
Maybe it's enough that I'm aware of it. The greatest danger to a man in my position is to be completely ignorant and let it sneak up on me. I won't let that happen.
I think I hear him coming back in...that will have to be enough for now. He needs me to be stable, and I will be that for him. That, and more.