Journal time
I'd best get some of these raging thoughts down, because after we leave the castle to tour the Grasslands, I'm going to have a whole other set of them foremost in my mind. Like getting from clan to clan safely...and some of the things I intend to tell or show Sigurd...
Everything comes at me at once, I never have time to process one problem before the next piles on. Like everything else around here, trouble comes and goes in spurts. I shouldn't say trouble...despite my worries, nothing is actually dangerous right now. Just...thought-provoking. Deserving of my attention, one way or another. And just when Sigurd and I finally agreed to take that trip, no more putting it off. I ought to hang around here in case something happens, in case...I'm needed. But no. We need this trip just as much. We've been talking about it for so long, it's about time we picked ourselves up and did it. It's probably the worst time of year to be crossing the plains, under the hot sun, but the cool caverns of the Hollow and the much more temperate mountain climate around Chisha will more than make up for it. And I can sense a change in the weather. We may get a storm or two on the plain. I could be content with that.
Wyatt's news shocked me. Not because he's involved...but because of who it's with. I never in a million years expected him to stray from his path, or I would have made a move on him already. I was fully convinced he was straight with no deviation....but then again, I thought that about myself once. I suppose, it isn't until the right one comes along that you can even see in yourself the potential to lean that way. Ah, all the missed opportunities, coming into clear relief now. He wouldn't have been interested if I'd acted on that first small infatuation I had, so many years ago. I would have probably screwed it up anyway...I wasn't fully ready to admit that about myself, then. By the time I was comfortable with it, he was married. I'm content knowing that I didn't actually miss my chance, except that...I suppose I could have tried, over this past winter. I was just so glad to have him alive again, I didn't even reflect on the other feelings I once had for him, buried beneath our bond of friendship and brotherhood. It's for the best, though. As much as I love him...I know it's a kind of love that shouldn't be turned romantic. I love him as a swordbrother, I love him deeper than family. It's a complicated feeling. I know exactly what it is, I can define it in images and memories, but I can't put words to it. He will always be the best friend I have ever had, my only family, bonded to me stronger than blood and death. But in a wholly different way from Sigurd. I know that now. Which makes it easy for me to not only accept, but encourage what he's got. If Wyatt, like me, could only find satisfaction in the arms of another man after so many years...then so be it. He deserves to be happy. He's been beating himself up over Anna Lightfellow for twenty years, it's about time he let go.
But then...if I'm only just understanding what it is to love someone...I certainly don't understand being able to love again after losing your soulmate. If it isn't love...then I get the feeling I may need to be the shoulder for him to lean on soon enough.
...and when did I become everyone's go-to guy anyway? I don't know the first thing about romance, why are they all coming to me for advice? Good god.
I'm not worried about Wyatt...but I am about Kyle. Something about the way he spoke to me, before he left...I don't know. I don't like it. He was talking about being crazy, and figuring out what it meant. I know he's probably still suffering some kind of lingering trauma from the fight, that wouldn't surprise me - he came very close to death. No one gets out of that unaffected. But I thought he'd be...broken, afraid to pick up his sword. It's not the case at all, he got this look in his eye when he put his hand on it that bothered me. I've seen Yuber's bloodthirsty grin when he draws his swords, it was almost the same. I don't know what Kyle is trying to work out, but I hope he does it without having to confront any physical demons. As long as he wrestles it out in his mind, and comes back healthier, then I'm all for it. I'll be ready to test him, then, and see if he's fully recovered. If not...I don't want to know what he'd be capable of. I don't want to have to break him again. I hate having to raise my sword against people I respect, even if they need to come up against me and break before they can heal. Rather me than Yuber, or worse, I suppose...but I still don't relish the slimmest possibility. Ah well. He won't be back before Sigurd and I are, so here's hoping he gets over it. Kyle is a good man, and I'm proud to call him a swordbrother. I don't want to lose him to darkness.
Whatever power is controlling this odd fate around Budehuc, drawing people here from across time...I ought to be grateful for it. Because of it, I've met some amazing fighters, made some valuable friends, and stumbled headlong into love. I've had my best friend returned to me, I've gotten to spar against swordsmen from across history. My life would be far darker and colder without Kyle, without Belcoot, Sigurd, even Nanami and Ferid and Lyon. There's no telling what the future will hold, either. But I can't look any further than the end of my trip with Sigurd and know what might be around the next corner. I'll have to concentrate on getting us back from Chisha, safe, sound, and probably tired from the long hike. But I need it. I don't care what Wyatt says, I've been getting lazy here. I need to get back on the trail, and strengthen my legs, my heart, my stamina. This trip is going to be valuable for many reasons.
Everything comes at me at once, I never have time to process one problem before the next piles on. Like everything else around here, trouble comes and goes in spurts. I shouldn't say trouble...despite my worries, nothing is actually dangerous right now. Just...thought-provoking. Deserving of my attention, one way or another. And just when Sigurd and I finally agreed to take that trip, no more putting it off. I ought to hang around here in case something happens, in case...I'm needed. But no. We need this trip just as much. We've been talking about it for so long, it's about time we picked ourselves up and did it. It's probably the worst time of year to be crossing the plains, under the hot sun, but the cool caverns of the Hollow and the much more temperate mountain climate around Chisha will more than make up for it. And I can sense a change in the weather. We may get a storm or two on the plain. I could be content with that.
Wyatt's news shocked me. Not because he's involved...but because of who it's with. I never in a million years expected him to stray from his path, or I would have made a move on him already. I was fully convinced he was straight with no deviation....but then again, I thought that about myself once. I suppose, it isn't until the right one comes along that you can even see in yourself the potential to lean that way. Ah, all the missed opportunities, coming into clear relief now. He wouldn't have been interested if I'd acted on that first small infatuation I had, so many years ago. I would have probably screwed it up anyway...I wasn't fully ready to admit that about myself, then. By the time I was comfortable with it, he was married. I'm content knowing that I didn't actually miss my chance, except that...I suppose I could have tried, over this past winter. I was just so glad to have him alive again, I didn't even reflect on the other feelings I once had for him, buried beneath our bond of friendship and brotherhood. It's for the best, though. As much as I love him...I know it's a kind of love that shouldn't be turned romantic. I love him as a swordbrother, I love him deeper than family. It's a complicated feeling. I know exactly what it is, I can define it in images and memories, but I can't put words to it. He will always be the best friend I have ever had, my only family, bonded to me stronger than blood and death. But in a wholly different way from Sigurd. I know that now. Which makes it easy for me to not only accept, but encourage what he's got. If Wyatt, like me, could only find satisfaction in the arms of another man after so many years...then so be it. He deserves to be happy. He's been beating himself up over Anna Lightfellow for twenty years, it's about time he let go.
But then...if I'm only just understanding what it is to love someone...I certainly don't understand being able to love again after losing your soulmate. If it isn't love...then I get the feeling I may need to be the shoulder for him to lean on soon enough.
...and when did I become everyone's go-to guy anyway? I don't know the first thing about romance, why are they all coming to me for advice? Good god.
I'm not worried about Wyatt...but I am about Kyle. Something about the way he spoke to me, before he left...I don't know. I don't like it. He was talking about being crazy, and figuring out what it meant. I know he's probably still suffering some kind of lingering trauma from the fight, that wouldn't surprise me - he came very close to death. No one gets out of that unaffected. But I thought he'd be...broken, afraid to pick up his sword. It's not the case at all, he got this look in his eye when he put his hand on it that bothered me. I've seen Yuber's bloodthirsty grin when he draws his swords, it was almost the same. I don't know what Kyle is trying to work out, but I hope he does it without having to confront any physical demons. As long as he wrestles it out in his mind, and comes back healthier, then I'm all for it. I'll be ready to test him, then, and see if he's fully recovered. If not...I don't want to know what he'd be capable of. I don't want to have to break him again. I hate having to raise my sword against people I respect, even if they need to come up against me and break before they can heal. Rather me than Yuber, or worse, I suppose...but I still don't relish the slimmest possibility. Ah well. He won't be back before Sigurd and I are, so here's hoping he gets over it. Kyle is a good man, and I'm proud to call him a swordbrother. I don't want to lose him to darkness.
Whatever power is controlling this odd fate around Budehuc, drawing people here from across time...I ought to be grateful for it. Because of it, I've met some amazing fighters, made some valuable friends, and stumbled headlong into love. I've had my best friend returned to me, I've gotten to spar against swordsmen from across history. My life would be far darker and colder without Kyle, without Belcoot, Sigurd, even Nanami and Ferid and Lyon. There's no telling what the future will hold, either. But I can't look any further than the end of my trip with Sigurd and know what might be around the next corner. I'll have to concentrate on getting us back from Chisha, safe, sound, and probably tired from the long hike. But I need it. I don't care what Wyatt says, I've been getting lazy here. I need to get back on the trail, and strengthen my legs, my heart, my stamina. This trip is going to be valuable for many reasons.