A World of Hope and Chance...
I don't exactly know where this is going, but I feel the undeniable urge to write here tonight. Something is burning inside my heart, screaming for release into the world in whatever form it can take, so bear with me as I let my hands ramble for my mind.
I can feel something in the air, something that may have been there before, it may not have. All I know is I can feel, even taste and smell, the pregnancy of possibility in this world. It's as if a floodgate was opened to me, and suddenly I am overwhelmed by what surrounds me, what inundates me. I like it. It reminds me that there is hope in this world, in the form of children, new possibilities, even the offhand possibility of love.
Sure, hate and fear and the rest still exist, but nonetheless, Hope stand stall, shining it's light upon the world like the beacon light of a lighthouse, guiding ships to port.
My world isn't suddenly some place of posies and rainbows, but it is at least someplace I am no longer afraid to tread about lightly, letting down my guard once in a while to refresh myself and remember why it is I do the things I do, alongside my friends who walk the same path whether they realize it or not.
There is an old saying: "Today is a Good Day to Die." For a long time, I believed in it, thinking it meant that sacrificing oneself was the highest gift one could give. I have come to realize that it actually means that if you life your life fully, and take what joy you can from your surroundings, you need not fear dying at any time. I was foolish, thinking in hubris that I needed to deny myself certain things.
Even so, I still believe in the lyric from Heart of Steel (as evidenced by my handle here): "Burn the bridge behind you, leave no retreat. There's only one way home." It is an anthem, a credo stating that I will do what I need to in order to achieve my victories, even leaving myself no other option but victory. I know that sounds silly or even egotistical, but if you truly believe in something fully, you realize that you will go to almost any lengths to achieve it.
I am sitting here, listening to music that stirs my blood, brings me to life, so to speak. There is an odd serenity to my adrenaline; a sort of battle mind, wherein clarity intensifies, confidence raises, and I can feel in my heart of hearts the ability to sift through options and take the best course I can think of.
Very Taoist, very... Zen, I know. But to be honest, there is a comfort in it. I believe it comes from the knowledge that I walk a fine line in my life, with the very real possibility of falling from that path into the depths of darkness that have tempted so many times in my life.
I listen and read posts of my friends, and I see the emotional roilings within them and a part of me desires that. But the rest of me realizes that it does not make me less passionate of a person, only one that has learned to reign in the extremities of them, and experience them without fear of what may come about.
Darkness. Now there is something I know very well. An old enemy, one that invites you in for a scotch and peanuts, or coffee. And calmly, genteelly explains it's plans to damn you. But at the same time, the darkness I speak of is not the darkness of night, but the darkness of the Night of the Soul. Both are necessary, contrasts needed in an imperfect world in order to draw the line between what is good and evil, light and dark, serene and intense.
I will not foolishly proclaim to desire some world of absolute light and goodness. That is a folly that only the hopelessly idealistic and foolishly egotistical indulge in. Those that know, those that open their minds, know that such a world only exists in planes past this one. All we can hope to do is being some of that light to this world, and let it illumine the darkness.
I have reached out before, even unknowingly, looking for help for the dark times that my soul goes through, the seeming natural counterpart to my normal serenity. And I now realize that my friends have always been there, when I need them, when I wanted them, and even when I thought I did not need or want them. These are true friends, the ones that will give you a hug when you need it, and a swift kick in the ass when you need it as well.
I feel I need to do this:
Nox: I thank you brother for remembering deep down inside that I am as prey to the folly of mankind and flesh as any other. And I thank you for never stopping your belief in me and what we have talked of.
Clay: For your candor and advice, as well as the chance to speak with someone that can put things in a new perspective for me, I thank you.
Trollking: Thank you for being you. I know that sounds simplistic, and a cop out, but I mean it. When we are able to sit together, I can feel the resonance between us, and I know it means that we are meant to know one another.
Endures-the-Storm's-Fury: For reminding me of the passions that burn within, and for realizing that I am still human, and will make mistakes.
Dream Seer: For loving Endures enough to keep his ass in line when he needs it, and for giving him something to believe in, as well as reminding me that I am human as well as aware.
Wanderer: For learning that sometimes you need to stand up and defend, and sometimes you need only stand and bear it. And here is to knowing when to do which.
Court: Thank you for always making sure I was honest with myself, especially when I was looking for pity and sympathy I did not need or deserve.
Steve: Thank you for never giving up on me, Steve. Out of all on this list, you keep reappearing, anchoring me.
Erich: Though I know you may not read this, you are my oldest friend, and my brother. Thank you for teaching me honor, true honor. And thank you for teaching me the value of loyalty.
Sean: My actual brother. Thank you for being there, and not giving a shit if we were fighting when I needed help. You have enriched my life.
If you think I am being sappy, piss off. There are no tears in my eyes, only gratitude in my heart. These people, and more, have helped keep me from going truly insane, from giving up when I wanted to, and from making poor decisions. They have also pissed me off, driven me to tears, and even, on one occasion, made me want to hit them with a car. But even so, they are the ones that have helped form my life.
I now end this, as I feel purged. I hope those that read this will understand.
True Heart of Steel
I can feel something in the air, something that may have been there before, it may not have. All I know is I can feel, even taste and smell, the pregnancy of possibility in this world. It's as if a floodgate was opened to me, and suddenly I am overwhelmed by what surrounds me, what inundates me. I like it. It reminds me that there is hope in this world, in the form of children, new possibilities, even the offhand possibility of love.
Sure, hate and fear and the rest still exist, but nonetheless, Hope stand stall, shining it's light upon the world like the beacon light of a lighthouse, guiding ships to port.
My world isn't suddenly some place of posies and rainbows, but it is at least someplace I am no longer afraid to tread about lightly, letting down my guard once in a while to refresh myself and remember why it is I do the things I do, alongside my friends who walk the same path whether they realize it or not.
There is an old saying: "Today is a Good Day to Die." For a long time, I believed in it, thinking it meant that sacrificing oneself was the highest gift one could give. I have come to realize that it actually means that if you life your life fully, and take what joy you can from your surroundings, you need not fear dying at any time. I was foolish, thinking in hubris that I needed to deny myself certain things.
Even so, I still believe in the lyric from Heart of Steel (as evidenced by my handle here): "Burn the bridge behind you, leave no retreat. There's only one way home." It is an anthem, a credo stating that I will do what I need to in order to achieve my victories, even leaving myself no other option but victory. I know that sounds silly or even egotistical, but if you truly believe in something fully, you realize that you will go to almost any lengths to achieve it.
I am sitting here, listening to music that stirs my blood, brings me to life, so to speak. There is an odd serenity to my adrenaline; a sort of battle mind, wherein clarity intensifies, confidence raises, and I can feel in my heart of hearts the ability to sift through options and take the best course I can think of.
Very Taoist, very... Zen, I know. But to be honest, there is a comfort in it. I believe it comes from the knowledge that I walk a fine line in my life, with the very real possibility of falling from that path into the depths of darkness that have tempted so many times in my life.
I listen and read posts of my friends, and I see the emotional roilings within them and a part of me desires that. But the rest of me realizes that it does not make me less passionate of a person, only one that has learned to reign in the extremities of them, and experience them without fear of what may come about.
Darkness. Now there is something I know very well. An old enemy, one that invites you in for a scotch and peanuts, or coffee. And calmly, genteelly explains it's plans to damn you. But at the same time, the darkness I speak of is not the darkness of night, but the darkness of the Night of the Soul. Both are necessary, contrasts needed in an imperfect world in order to draw the line between what is good and evil, light and dark, serene and intense.
I will not foolishly proclaim to desire some world of absolute light and goodness. That is a folly that only the hopelessly idealistic and foolishly egotistical indulge in. Those that know, those that open their minds, know that such a world only exists in planes past this one. All we can hope to do is being some of that light to this world, and let it illumine the darkness.
I have reached out before, even unknowingly, looking for help for the dark times that my soul goes through, the seeming natural counterpart to my normal serenity. And I now realize that my friends have always been there, when I need them, when I wanted them, and even when I thought I did not need or want them. These are true friends, the ones that will give you a hug when you need it, and a swift kick in the ass when you need it as well.
I feel I need to do this:
Nox: I thank you brother for remembering deep down inside that I am as prey to the folly of mankind and flesh as any other. And I thank you for never stopping your belief in me and what we have talked of.
Clay: For your candor and advice, as well as the chance to speak with someone that can put things in a new perspective for me, I thank you.
Trollking: Thank you for being you. I know that sounds simplistic, and a cop out, but I mean it. When we are able to sit together, I can feel the resonance between us, and I know it means that we are meant to know one another.
Endures-the-Storm's-Fury: For reminding me of the passions that burn within, and for realizing that I am still human, and will make mistakes.
Dream Seer: For loving Endures enough to keep his ass in line when he needs it, and for giving him something to believe in, as well as reminding me that I am human as well as aware.
Wanderer: For learning that sometimes you need to stand up and defend, and sometimes you need only stand and bear it. And here is to knowing when to do which.
Court: Thank you for always making sure I was honest with myself, especially when I was looking for pity and sympathy I did not need or deserve.
Steve: Thank you for never giving up on me, Steve. Out of all on this list, you keep reappearing, anchoring me.
Erich: Though I know you may not read this, you are my oldest friend, and my brother. Thank you for teaching me honor, true honor. And thank you for teaching me the value of loyalty.
Sean: My actual brother. Thank you for being there, and not giving a shit if we were fighting when I needed help. You have enriched my life.
If you think I am being sappy, piss off. There are no tears in my eyes, only gratitude in my heart. These people, and more, have helped keep me from going truly insane, from giving up when I wanted to, and from making poor decisions. They have also pissed me off, driven me to tears, and even, on one occasion, made me want to hit them with a car. But even so, they are the ones that have helped form my life.
I now end this, as I feel purged. I hope those that read this will understand.
True Heart of Steel