(no subject)
Wow...so much time has passed. I randomly thought of this tonight and was reading some of my first posts on here. So much has changed. And so little. As usual after not being on here for a while, I'll do an update. I hope that I'll be back on here more often...but we know how that turns out.
1) My last post was April 2013, so it's been about 2 years since I posted. I'd like to say a lot has happened, but honestly, it really hasn't...
2) I'm still in the same apartment. It's still blue and yellow in the living room. I never painted the rest of the apartment like I wanted to, because it was a lot more difficult, time-consuming, and expensive than I first thought. I wanted to move at first, because this place isn't the best apartment in the world, but it is so much easier to stay here. So I'll probably spend the rest of my graduate career in this place.
3) I've had so many issues with my boss David. He has made me feel so worthless over the past few years. I took my qualifying exam June 10, 2014. David, Jeff, and Patrick were on my committee, and I thought I was going to be fine. I knew my research. I knew the information behind all of it. I had good relationships with everyone on my committee. But David changed my project a few months before my quals, so I had to scramble to figure everything out. I crashed and burned. They ripped me apart on historical information that had nothing to do with going forward with my project. I knew the info I needed to know. I knew what experiments to do until I completed my project. They asked me what experiments would I do afterwards. I had no idea. David had told me to only think of what I was going to do and not past that. So I did. But then they questioned me on everything past that. It was tough. I felt crushed. I wanted to leave. I wanted to pack up and give up on my dreams. My parents convinced me not to. They told me to stay and keep pushing forward. I did. It's been a struggle. I'm still questioning staying here.
4) I started seeing a therapist here recently. Things with my boss have been horrible. I needed to talk to someone. I don't have anyone here to talk to.
5) Friends come and go. Lindsey and I had a huge fall out. I still hang out with Em, Brit, and Chuck once in a while, but they aren't that close to me anymore. Katie is the only one I'm still close to, and she's had her issues with her ex/soon to be again boyfriend. Liz is my new labmate, and we chat a lot in lab. But I don't feel close to her at all. Ryan is a year below me, and I can hang with him sometimes, but again I can't talk to him about anything.
6) No guys. I tried things a few times. Evan and I hung out. He tossed me aside. I took a lot of time off from guys after that. Jomar was okay, but we didn't click. I went on one date with Sean, but he didn't understand me. Dio was only interested in sex. I've realized that I really need someone, but nobody seems to be interested in me for me.
7) I had this dream last night about Justin Hartley (the actor from Smallville who played Green Arrow). He was my lover. He was very passionate and held me close. I didn't want to wake up. But I had to. Today has been a long, arduous day. I just wanted to return to that dream. But I knew I couldn't. I hope I dream of it tonight. It made me happy. If only for a brief moment...
1) My last post was April 2013, so it's been about 2 years since I posted. I'd like to say a lot has happened, but honestly, it really hasn't...
2) I'm still in the same apartment. It's still blue and yellow in the living room. I never painted the rest of the apartment like I wanted to, because it was a lot more difficult, time-consuming, and expensive than I first thought. I wanted to move at first, because this place isn't the best apartment in the world, but it is so much easier to stay here. So I'll probably spend the rest of my graduate career in this place.
3) I've had so many issues with my boss David. He has made me feel so worthless over the past few years. I took my qualifying exam June 10, 2014. David, Jeff, and Patrick were on my committee, and I thought I was going to be fine. I knew my research. I knew the information behind all of it. I had good relationships with everyone on my committee. But David changed my project a few months before my quals, so I had to scramble to figure everything out. I crashed and burned. They ripped me apart on historical information that had nothing to do with going forward with my project. I knew the info I needed to know. I knew what experiments to do until I completed my project. They asked me what experiments would I do afterwards. I had no idea. David had told me to only think of what I was going to do and not past that. So I did. But then they questioned me on everything past that. It was tough. I felt crushed. I wanted to leave. I wanted to pack up and give up on my dreams. My parents convinced me not to. They told me to stay and keep pushing forward. I did. It's been a struggle. I'm still questioning staying here.
4) I started seeing a therapist here recently. Things with my boss have been horrible. I needed to talk to someone. I don't have anyone here to talk to.
5) Friends come and go. Lindsey and I had a huge fall out. I still hang out with Em, Brit, and Chuck once in a while, but they aren't that close to me anymore. Katie is the only one I'm still close to, and she's had her issues with her ex/soon to be again boyfriend. Liz is my new labmate, and we chat a lot in lab. But I don't feel close to her at all. Ryan is a year below me, and I can hang with him sometimes, but again I can't talk to him about anything.
6) No guys. I tried things a few times. Evan and I hung out. He tossed me aside. I took a lot of time off from guys after that. Jomar was okay, but we didn't click. I went on one date with Sean, but he didn't understand me. Dio was only interested in sex. I've realized that I really need someone, but nobody seems to be interested in me for me.
7) I had this dream last night about Justin Hartley (the actor from Smallville who played Green Arrow). He was my lover. He was very passionate and held me close. I didn't want to wake up. But I had to. Today has been a long, arduous day. I just wanted to return to that dream. But I knew I couldn't. I hope I dream of it tonight. It made me happy. If only for a brief moment...