THNMY: Journal Entry
I realize this is probably not the best way to say all of this, but I have no idea how else to put it. A public forum is perhaps, not the best way to discuss everything that is going on in my head.
That is not the point - there has been a lot floating around in my head, especially after our return from Faerun, that I need to get out, and this post here will effectively be little more than a massive memory dump.
The first thing is that - well, am I really a Star Adder anymore? I have always thought of myself as belonging to the Clan rather than to anyone else, but the more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that honestly, given the choice between staying here, or returning to the Clan - and being forced to select one of them - I would prefer to stay here, rather than return to my duties. I realize that this makes me a disloyal Clanner, and probably ensures that my genes will never be passed on to the next generation. That is, if they do not Annihilate or Abjure me first.
But this is where I feel like I belong. While I enjoy combat - our ritualized style of it, at any rate - and love working with mecha, fixing them up, piloting them, etc... I do not feel like the ways I have changed due to the Nexus contribute to me being a worthwhile addition to the Clan. It has been my duty to scout here, but with Amelia - a significantly more loyal clanner than I am - here, my duties seem almost redundant. I am not sure why she has not recommended my return to the Clans, other than perhaps the knowledge that I would not go.
I do wish, however, that I could throw off all of my cultural norms that I have brought. I think the honor system is fantastic and I wish more people in the Nexus would use it. Yet, I do know that such a thing will never happen, and I have had to... adapt, for lack of a better word, the Clan Rules of Engagement to the Nexus in order to stay alive. After all, this place is not the safest place by any means. Sometimes I also find myself being too serious for things; the Nexus is supposed to be a place for laughter and whatnot, yet my own culture makes me infinitely too serious. Looking at Amelia is like looking in a somewhat twisted mirror - how did I survive like that, taking the entire world as so serious? Being a cog in a machine, while it might be for the good of the Clan, might not be the best thing for me - and having been here, I do not know if I can put the needs of the Clan above the needs of me.
Yet there are some things I wish I could do with this place. I wish I were better suited to monogamy than I am; while I do love Selene dearly, at the same time, the Clans are a place where monogamy is *weird*, and sex is a part of friendship. It is strange being physically attracted to people like Yuuko and Altalita and not having sex with them. I do also wish that there were less chaos here; while the rampant LOLs and whatnot make things interesting, they also do create a massive amount of stress on my life. (We will not mention my clone here.)
The point is... I am definitely changed, compared to where I was a year ago. A year ago, if the Clan had recalled me, I would have gone without question. I did not know better than them, clearly, and I was to do my role. I am not saying that that is a bad thing, but it is hardly who I am today. Who I am today is an individual, not a piece of a greater whole, and if they called me back, I would fight it - just as I would fight any call for invasion. I can only hope they do not sound that latter call.
That is not the point - there has been a lot floating around in my head, especially after our return from Faerun, that I need to get out, and this post here will effectively be little more than a massive memory dump.
The first thing is that - well, am I really a Star Adder anymore? I have always thought of myself as belonging to the Clan rather than to anyone else, but the more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that honestly, given the choice between staying here, or returning to the Clan - and being forced to select one of them - I would prefer to stay here, rather than return to my duties. I realize that this makes me a disloyal Clanner, and probably ensures that my genes will never be passed on to the next generation. That is, if they do not Annihilate or Abjure me first.
But this is where I feel like I belong. While I enjoy combat - our ritualized style of it, at any rate - and love working with mecha, fixing them up, piloting them, etc... I do not feel like the ways I have changed due to the Nexus contribute to me being a worthwhile addition to the Clan. It has been my duty to scout here, but with Amelia - a significantly more loyal clanner than I am - here, my duties seem almost redundant. I am not sure why she has not recommended my return to the Clans, other than perhaps the knowledge that I would not go.
I do wish, however, that I could throw off all of my cultural norms that I have brought. I think the honor system is fantastic and I wish more people in the Nexus would use it. Yet, I do know that such a thing will never happen, and I have had to... adapt, for lack of a better word, the Clan Rules of Engagement to the Nexus in order to stay alive. After all, this place is not the safest place by any means. Sometimes I also find myself being too serious for things; the Nexus is supposed to be a place for laughter and whatnot, yet my own culture makes me infinitely too serious. Looking at Amelia is like looking in a somewhat twisted mirror - how did I survive like that, taking the entire world as so serious? Being a cog in a machine, while it might be for the good of the Clan, might not be the best thing for me - and having been here, I do not know if I can put the needs of the Clan above the needs of me.
Yet there are some things I wish I could do with this place. I wish I were better suited to monogamy than I am; while I do love Selene dearly, at the same time, the Clans are a place where monogamy is *weird*, and sex is a part of friendship. It is strange being physically attracted to people like Yuuko and Altalita and not having sex with them. I do also wish that there were less chaos here; while the rampant LOLs and whatnot make things interesting, they also do create a massive amount of stress on my life. (We will not mention my clone here.)
The point is... I am definitely changed, compared to where I was a year ago. A year ago, if the Clan had recalled me, I would have gone without question. I did not know better than them, clearly, and I was to do my role. I am not saying that that is a bad thing, but it is hardly who I am today. Who I am today is an individual, not a piece of a greater whole, and if they called me back, I would fight it - just as I would fight any call for invasion. I can only hope they do not sound that latter call.