A late night blah of emotions
15 months ago the world changed. Maybe not for you, but for me the very fabric of my world came crumbling down in a cold hard dose of gut wrenching reality.
You see, 15 months ago possibly the only person who ever understood me (with the exception of Wendy) said a final goodbye to this world and moved onto the next. To the world, to my family and friends, I lost my mum. To me, I lost more than that.
I have never told anybody this before, but as I sit here in a hotel room in Cairns, miles from the woman I love who incidently happens to be the ONLY remaining person on this earth who has ever fully "got me" I contemplate what was, what became to be and what is. And I feel sad. Not because I lost mum, but because other than Wendy and I nobody really knows just how important she was to me. And to me being here today.
Growing up was hard. I never had the looks or charm of my older brother and I never had the, well, looks and calm persona of my younger brother. To make things "more difficult" I was the one gifted with the misunderstood yet oft ridiculed Tourette Syndrome. Oh, and I was the middle child. Yes, Life as hard.
I never really had friends. Most people who met me were repulsed by my tics, or were distanced by their lack of understanding or not knowing "how" to deal with me. Sadly, this often included my own older brother who in my younger days was my best friend. I idolised the guy. But that changed when I hit puberty and TS came along. That friendship kind of vanished. The guy i worshipped became the guy who didn't appear to want to know me. While this was happening school life as equally as bad. I lost friends, made bitter enemies and people who didn't know me would go out of their way to insult me, ridicule me and discriminate against me because I was "different".
If home life was a challenge, school life was impossiple. Teachers, the very people who are supposed to encourage support within the classroom were, forgive my language, assholes. They didn't understand me, and didn't try to, either. I was at constant war with highschool. To fit in, to belond. Hell, to be treated as a human being. And when things were at their worse only one person had my back. Mum. I rememeber her going down to the school and tearing the principle a new hole. She always had my back, my mum did. The number of times she visitied my school to help educate the teachers about TS and about me were a huge help in my education. I wasn't the perfect child but she always had my back. All those times i screamed that i hated my parents will haunt me forever.
But the torment continued. Life was hard. My grades suffered so my career opportunities suffered. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to get through each day. TS controlled my life like an iron grip on my throat, and the medication I took for it had side effects that (in hindsight) were an even bigger issues. I gave up. Life sometimes gets too hard. I know many of you wont understand that, and I hope you never do. But take it from me sometimes life gets simply too much. You reach the point where you can't breathe. Can't move. Can't think. It irks me when I see shows about suicide and family members say things like "I didn't know it was so bad". You can't know it's that bad. If you did, you would be thinking of killing yourself, too. Know, sadly, when it comes to this kind of thing you have to have been there to begin to understand what it's "like".
It got that hard for me. At 15 when most kids are thinking about blitzing School Certificate (in NZ) I was thinking some of the darkest thoughts I've ever hard. Life stopped having meaning. Day after day became a chore. A painful expression of self. I gave up hope. I gave up faith in people. In school. In friends, and even in family. I gave up.
But as though guided by some spirit, mum was always there. An ever present, ever constant presense in my life. She knew my thoughts even without me telling her. She suspected, I guess, that things were that bad. she never judged me. Instead she loved me. She never promised me things would be perfect, but through her actions she promised me she would alwasys be there to watch over me and guide me.
In short, mum saved my life. She pulled me back from the brink of death. I owe my life to her in more ways than one.
I was my fiends reading this to know just how amazing my mother was. A nurturer, a supporter, a life bringer and a life saver. And a best friend.
Until now i doubt anybody on the face of this earth truly understand just what mum did for me. At mums funeral when I was invited to help read the eulogy I chose not to. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was simply too hard for me. My family at the time didn't get that. They couldn't, they had no idea what I went thought. I doubt they do now, 15 months later. They can't and I doubt they ever truly will. That makes me even more sad, because i feel even more distanced from my family now than I did 15 months ago.
I wanted you all to know who mum was. She is the reason i'm alive today. She was my best friend, my confidant and my number one supporter.
Bless you mum, wherever you are. I miss you, and love you.