Reflecting

[trueamethyst]

I've been wondering about the trials of life and how/when we face them. Everything recently seems to want to push me to a place I've not been for years. I used to be strong and confident in myself. I used to know what I wanted from my life and how to get there. I feel myself faltering

Comments

[trueamethyst]

Hah. I feel our conversation is turning into a pen pal type thing. Which is fine, I just hope livejournal does not explode.

I guess one thing I want to say is you shouldn't let your self separate. Live as a whole. When you start compartmentalizing your worlds, you start to lose yourself and forget who you are. There's no reason to. If being furry makes you weird to other people, just tone it down, there's no reason to be a different person. I lick my friends and yelp/bark alot. They think it's cute, and over time they found out that I used to do a lot of the furry thing--they don't normally care when you explain in (though my explanation is more I like the drawings and it's fun to think about more so a spiritual one... but then again, the "it's fun to think about" is where I am. It used to give me an outlet when I was younger.) Just be yourself in any aspect, just push in a different direction depending on the social situation (such as professional for work).

And I like all art forms alot. I just enjoyed the idea of capturing an image of something existence and showing the true beauty or truth behind it. I still need to get myself a nice SLR, but they're so expensive. I need a sugar daddy first! And I've done work with movies too. I think an HD camera would be sexy.

As for passion, while the outdoors is a decent passion, you need to search inside for something that drives you. Everyone has their drives, motivations, etc. For example, one of mine is "Appreciation." I want to be seen and noticed. I want to be special. So I work towards bettering myself and making myself shine. Our motivations just kind of develop, so you really just need to find out what makes you tick and go with it.

[pardouncia]

I like pen pals.

I'm not quite sure how to be one whole person at any one time though. I feel I have to suppress certain aspects of myself in different situations. It's just impossible to do otherwise at times. I live in a very right-wing area for one. Therianthropy, furriness, beliefs other than Bush ISH GOD!!! are considered of the devil. You know how it can be. That's just one reason for having fractured myself.

I think being a fur has been an outlet for me, but it's also just a significant part of who I am. Not so much the actual furry aspect as the spiritual side. I rarely think of myself as anthro either. It's most feral if anything, a quadruped. I'm not the norm even for a fur. LOL

I'd love to have a better camera. Photography is of great interest to me. I'm also learning a bit about making HDR composites out of regular JPEG photos. I only have CS2 at work though so it's difficult to get the effects, and HDR compiling software is expensive. I have come to realize if you create different layers with different exposures and then play with the shadow/highlight(tone controls), leaving a base layer untouched, and tweaking the opacity of the other layers of differing exposures and shadow/highlight values, you can come close to what HDR compiling software can do, but it's still not as vibrant and striking. I think I'm rambling on now though...

I honestly don't know what drives me anymore. I'm OCD, and I don't say that as a cop-out or exaggeration. I think that it prevents me from doing much that's progressive, making me apathetic, listless, disillusioned, and overall depressed. I wish I could find a way to overcome this. Having no local friends doesn't help, and being rather frustrated and constant obstacles in my life that seem unending; perhaps all contributes.

[trueamethyst]

Why don't you have any local friends? That seems a downright shame and may be the biggest threat to your happiness. The biggest part of my life is devoted to the connections I've made with others, and that is a big part of what I live for. But I'm also rather a social puppy.

[pardouncia]

I'm a social cat. I just connect better intellectually, via beliefs, interests, ideology, etc. with people online. Locally I am a fish out of water.

This is how sad it is around here. My boss, the manager at the newspaper where I work, thinks I'm pagan because I know things about religions other than Christianity. And because I know a lot about Christian beliefs and the Bible that she doesn't, she thinks it even more somehow. Of course, I don't go to church. So that further contributes to my being weird. I know too much as well, and she hates that. Knowing things is ebil. I should just watch American Idol like the masses and care about what Snookie is doing this week. The thing is, you can mention a subject, and I probably know a little about it. I love knowing stuff. I sop in knowledge like a sponge. I love understanding things. I watch a lot of the Discovery networks and read. Go figure. I suppose if being narrow-minded and bigoted was my idea of fun, I'd fit right in here in Texas.

[trueamethyst]

Hey, Snookie is awesome. Haven't you seen her poof? It's slowly growing. I think it might be a tumor.

And why don't you move if you dislike it?

[pardouncia]

The tumor began in her brain, right? I've actually never seen the show. But so many people talk about it all of the time that I feel as if I'm trapped in the pop culture idiocy whether I want to be or not. :P

Financial reasons. I can't afford to move without a job wherever I'm heading, and so far no places are hiring. Most don't even respond to my inquiries. It's not a good world out there right now. The economy is dead, or perhaps people are just rude. You'd think they could respond though.