Reflecting

[trueamethyst]

I've been wondering about the trials of life and how/when we face them. Everything recently seems to want to push me to a place I've not been for years. I used to be strong and confident in myself. I used to know what I wanted from my life and how to get there. I feel myself faltering

Comments

[trueamethyst]

Haha. Well, I wasn't necessarily meaning the furry culture into all of that. I just meant that I was interested meeting furs again. I used to be kind of into it all, then I lost interest as I made more non-fur friends and started to come into myself so to speak. So I was doing a call out to find out who's still around and what's going on in the state :)

And I agree with most of what you said, though I don't know if livejournal is the best place to discuss these kind of things (as it's easier to do in real time), you're welcome to YIM me at wolf_lunin. And no, I'm not cool enough to have any other instant messenger anymore.

My degrees are in art education and library media (school certified). And like I've said, I've adjusted fairly well, so I'm more content with things. Though it is concerning to hear that you sound like you're facing the whole "living just because I'm alive" that I've had in the past. I think it's best to just.. find something that you're passionate about and go with it. Life is about dreaming and working towards those dreams. When we stop progressing to something, we become stagnant.

[pardouncia]

What had you outside of the furry-verse for a time? Heh, furry-verse. That's a good one.

It's more of a spiritual thing for me, being a fur. Therianthropy. It may seem strange to some, but no more than associating one's self with an animal in the first place.

I'm rarely on YIM, but if I am sometime soon, I'll be sure to contact you.

You're hoping to get a job teaching then? At what level? True, I've been at that "living just because I'm alive" stage for a long time now. I don't know what I'm passionate about anymore. Dreams... Live to live and dream to dream, go through life a-wandering. Stagnant, that may be why I get depressed. I don't know.

[trueamethyst]

Ya know, real life. ;) I always liked the drawings, but that was about my extent. It was more I didn't I just went on with life as normal, per se. I didn't really talk to any furries except my friend Dan who I don't even really think of in that way. (ya know, how when you're around furries you're supposed to think of them as their persona and call them by their furry names? lol) I did that when I was in high school and early college mostly because I didn't have a friend and I guess it was an outlet. Now I'm pretty personable Haha. I wonder if there's a correlation ;)

And I use Skype too now. I never really understood the spiritual aspect, would you mind explaining it to me? The most I do is think of it as a... personification of traits that you connect with. I attach most with wolves for example.

And yeah, that's the plan. Hopefully something will open next school year, until then, I'm going to work on my art form some more in between subbing jobs. I need to get back in to oil paint and ceramics and photography especially.

And I call your bluff. I'm sure there's something that makes you happy in life.

[pardouncia]

What is this - real life? *Head tilt.* I live compartmentalized more than most, I'd guess. My work life is kept separate from my private life. My private life is broken down into its own segments. There's family, friends, online friends - and here we break things down some more. I have my furry life, where I can be more myself, but I maintain a level of anonymity for privacy reasons, and just because if the outside world knows you're a fur(I live in Texas here), your life won't be worth kibble. Then there's the broader spectrum of my online existence. I am simply myself, by name, and show no furry or otherwise strange overtones.

I find that my compartmentalizing protects me, but perhaps creates a very...incongruous lifestyle. It's not as if I'm fully one person at any one time or in any place. Does everyone do this?

As for furs being called their fursana and living it so intently, nah. My online friends will call me by my furry name when we meet in RL, but it's more out of habit as few have known me by my real name as anything more than a name to address cards to at Christmas. ;) I find that I do act more freely and unrestrained, not repressing my true personality as much, when I can be around people that understand my furry side. I can meld myself more into one person there. So I like that. But it's not as if I'm meowing and eating catfood all of the sudden. I don't really try to act out feline mannerisms and act 'furry' or anything like that.

Being a Therian is varied depending on the person. For me it's a spiritual connection to an animal, obviously the snow leopard. In this I feel it is a part of me, perhaps my soul is of that cat, vs being a human soul. That is, if you believe in souls. Some consider it more a animal spirit guide, and some just feel connected to a certain animal and incorporate them into their lives more than most people do their favourite animal. For some it becomes a path in life, trying to promote the cause of the animal they associate with. I think Therianthropy has driven a lot of pro-environmental movements, or at least empathy with various animals.

Well, as long as you're making ends meet and are relatively happy, then that's a good thing. Your ship will come in, as they say, if you keep persevering. At least you've the education, and you have and continue to gain experience. You prefer photography above other forms of art? What about HDR? I want an HDR camera. Oh, but wouldn't it be something to have HD camcorders that filmed in an HDR format, automatically blending exposures to create...okay, that's impossible unless they figure out a whole lot of complicated tech and programming. But it'd be fantastic.

....anymore, aside from my insanely intense pull toward love and old-fashioned romance, as of yet unfulfilled, I live for the mountains. If I could live in Colorado or Washington State or somewhere with beautiful ranges, I'd be far more content. At least I believe as much. I feel a part of mountains, or are they a part of me? There's something about them, the sunrise over the peaks, the sunset, the snowcapped rocky crags, the scent of pine and musty forest life, crisp, clean air, pure water evaporating and wafting on the breeze, roiling rivers and trickling streams, meandering trails through the towering evergreens and aspen...that is to breath, to be alive.

[trueamethyst]

Hah. I feel our conversation is turning into a pen pal type thing. Which is fine, I just hope livejournal does not explode.

I guess one thing I want to say is you shouldn't let your self separate. Live as a whole. When you start compartmentalizing your worlds, you start to lose yourself and forget who you are. There's no reason to. If being furry makes you weird to other people, just tone it down, there's no reason to be a different person. I lick my friends and yelp/bark alot. They think it's cute, and over time they found out that I used to do a lot of the furry thing--they don't normally care when you explain in (though my explanation is more I like the drawings and it's fun to think about more so a spiritual one... but then again, the "it's fun to think about" is where I am. It used to give me an outlet when I was younger.) Just be yourself in any aspect, just push in a different direction depending on the social situation (such as professional for work).

And I like all art forms alot. I just enjoyed the idea of capturing an image of something existence and showing the true beauty or truth behind it. I still need to get myself a nice SLR, but they're so expensive. I need a sugar daddy first! And I've done work with movies too. I think an HD camera would be sexy.

As for passion, while the outdoors is a decent passion, you need to search inside for something that drives you. Everyone has their drives, motivations, etc. For example, one of mine is "Appreciation." I want to be seen and noticed. I want to be special. So I work towards bettering myself and making myself shine. Our motivations just kind of develop, so you really just need to find out what makes you tick and go with it.

[pardouncia]

I like pen pals.

I'm not quite sure how to be one whole person at any one time though. I feel I have to suppress certain aspects of myself in different situations. It's just impossible to do otherwise at times. I live in a very right-wing area for one. Therianthropy, furriness, beliefs other than Bush ISH GOD!!! are considered of the devil. You know how it can be. That's just one reason for having fractured myself.

I think being a fur has been an outlet for me, but it's also just a significant part of who I am. Not so much the actual furry aspect as the spiritual side. I rarely think of myself as anthro either. It's most feral if anything, a quadruped. I'm not the norm even for a fur. LOL

I'd love to have a better camera. Photography is of great interest to me. I'm also learning a bit about making HDR composites out of regular JPEG photos. I only have CS2 at work though so it's difficult to get the effects, and HDR compiling software is expensive. I have come to realize if you create different layers with different exposures and then play with the shadow/highlight(tone controls), leaving a base layer untouched, and tweaking the opacity of the other layers of differing exposures and shadow/highlight values, you can come close to what HDR compiling software can do, but it's still not as vibrant and striking. I think I'm rambling on now though...

I honestly don't know what drives me anymore. I'm OCD, and I don't say that as a cop-out or exaggeration. I think that it prevents me from doing much that's progressive, making me apathetic, listless, disillusioned, and overall depressed. I wish I could find a way to overcome this. Having no local friends doesn't help, and being rather frustrated and constant obstacles in my life that seem unending; perhaps all contributes.

[trueamethyst]

Why don't you have any local friends? That seems a downright shame and may be the biggest threat to your happiness. The biggest part of my life is devoted to the connections I've made with others, and that is a big part of what I live for. But I'm also rather a social puppy.

[pardouncia]

I'm a social cat. I just connect better intellectually, via beliefs, interests, ideology, etc. with people online. Locally I am a fish out of water.

This is how sad it is around here. My boss, the manager at the newspaper where I work, thinks I'm pagan because I know things about religions other than Christianity. And because I know a lot about Christian beliefs and the Bible that she doesn't, she thinks it even more somehow. Of course, I don't go to church. So that further contributes to my being weird. I know too much as well, and she hates that. Knowing things is ebil. I should just watch American Idol like the masses and care about what Snookie is doing this week. The thing is, you can mention a subject, and I probably know a little about it. I love knowing stuff. I sop in knowledge like a sponge. I love understanding things. I watch a lot of the Discovery networks and read. Go figure. I suppose if being narrow-minded and bigoted was my idea of fun, I'd fit right in here in Texas.

[trueamethyst]

Hey, Snookie is awesome. Haven't you seen her poof? It's slowly growing. I think it might be a tumor.

And why don't you move if you dislike it?

[pardouncia]

The tumor began in her brain, right? I've actually never seen the show. But so many people talk about it all of the time that I feel as if I'm trapped in the pop culture idiocy whether I want to be or not. :P

Financial reasons. I can't afford to move without a job wherever I'm heading, and so far no places are hiring. Most don't even respond to my inquiries. It's not a good world out there right now. The economy is dead, or perhaps people are just rude. You'd think they could respond though.