Long Time
It's been a year since I wrote last.
I feel strong and fit and motivated. But I'm a different person. I had a Son briefly and then he passed away. I think about him a lot. Life seems so... plain. You have a certain amount of time and then someone tells you that there's only two months left and then you change the way you think. I feel very motivated. Almost aggressively so. I can't sleep. I think I finally understand there's no such thing as a Soul Mate but only people who are around for a long time and become comfortable like a favourite jumper. Where did I read lately (by Radcliffe Hall) of "The deep sadness (emptiness) of fulfilled desire." (Not an exact quote). But does that state really exist? If we're honest, the only moments of clarity are when we realise we're seeing something for the last time. The tragedy is that we didn't see it all along. Tragic fault. I know I'm a bit angry now. But it's an energy. And I really don't give a damn if I'm not communicating what's on my mind. What do you want me to say? WHAT?! Stop sitting there in that same fucking chair all day. How does that sound? Damned if I'm going to fester in this cave. I'm not going to waste this life.
And the question: "What did he die for? Surely there was a reason? Surely to teach us something?"
Life is not fair. But there is a reason to be honest.
"Why are you so hostile?"
"Because I'm Sincere."
('The Conformist', A. Moravia)
I feel strong and fit and motivated. But I'm a different person. I had a Son briefly and then he passed away. I think about him a lot. Life seems so... plain. You have a certain amount of time and then someone tells you that there's only two months left and then you change the way you think. I feel very motivated. Almost aggressively so. I can't sleep. I think I finally understand there's no such thing as a Soul Mate but only people who are around for a long time and become comfortable like a favourite jumper. Where did I read lately (by Radcliffe Hall) of "The deep sadness (emptiness) of fulfilled desire." (Not an exact quote). But does that state really exist? If we're honest, the only moments of clarity are when we realise we're seeing something for the last time. The tragedy is that we didn't see it all along. Tragic fault. I know I'm a bit angry now. But it's an energy. And I really don't give a damn if I'm not communicating what's on my mind. What do you want me to say? WHAT?! Stop sitting there in that same fucking chair all day. How does that sound? Damned if I'm going to fester in this cave. I'm not going to waste this life.
And the question: "What did he die for? Surely there was a reason? Surely to teach us something?"
Life is not fair. But there is a reason to be honest.
"Why are you so hostile?"
"Because I'm Sincere."
('The Conformist', A. Moravia)