my mind is a map and every road leads to disaster...
so here's a happy thought: "sometimes people just need to be rescued" (and if you haven't seen Wonderboys, may i recommend it now) and i coudln't agree more.
and if you know me, you know how true this is. every now and then you just need to take a step back, take a breather, take a vacation. my problem is that i'm always waiting around for someone else to rescue me. sometimes i'll help myself, but most of the time i need to be rescued from myself. the endless criticism and doubt and negativity that bounces around in my head disrupting the good thoughts that aren't always strong enough to take their place up front. And I guess it would be different if people could project their thoughts and read other people's minds, but until the next leap in human evolution I'm all alone in here. And i always think how different it would be if we could see past what people say and do to what they actually mean when they say and do it. Communication is a wonderful thing, but it only works when thoughts are vocalized and even then things can be misinterpreted. So it's nice to have people that "get me", that can be in my head and theirs at the same time. of course, anyone who knows me that well will have to have a lot of patience.
How many people do you actually understand? there are just a handful of people that I feel that way about. And it's not that I don't relate to and "know" my friends. it's just that it takes a lot of selflessness to see past myself and focus on another person without my ego getting in the way. it's almost against my will. And it doesn't change how much I love them, i think it just makes it easier to deal with. sometimes we fight and i'm pissed, but it doesn't matter, you know? But you can't get to know someone unless they let you, unless they are willing to open up like that. And when it's a matter of friends then it's reciprocal--you learn things about each other. you're not just trading secrets, you're sharing who you are and I don't think it's something that should be taken lightly.
I've got a good number of friends, but they're not all so close that I tell them everything. I don't tell anyone everything. But there are some who I have fun with and can even have serious talks with, but I don't know if I can really confide in them. for some i want to and i'm just hesitant, and for others i already know that they've reached their limit as far as the levels of me go. And i guess it sounds like I'm not even giving them a chance but that's how it is. friendships manifest themselves in various ways. i've had to reconcile myself with other people's ideas of "friendship" and sometimes it was sad finding out that we weren't as "close" as I thought we were or that they just weren't the kind of person that i wanted to be close to, but I didn't stop being their "friend". I just had to reassess and be satisfied with our new friendship. Of course the best part is that no one else knows that this is going on. or maybe they do and they just don't care. or maybe i just try to order my world so i can say it's a waste of time to be upset over a perfectly logical conclusion.
sometimes i'm so comfortable being me that i'll fall into certain patterns, even when I hate them. even when I've identified them and know i don't want to be there. it's frustrating!! where can i go to escape from me?! i guess that's what sleep is for--except when i have those really odd dreams.
last week i memorized the fear mantra from Dune. I don't know why. I thought maybe it could help me. Not had the chance to test it. sometimes i just say it to know that i can. on the plus side, i'm graduating. hooray for me.
and if you know me, you know how true this is. every now and then you just need to take a step back, take a breather, take a vacation. my problem is that i'm always waiting around for someone else to rescue me. sometimes i'll help myself, but most of the time i need to be rescued from myself. the endless criticism and doubt and negativity that bounces around in my head disrupting the good thoughts that aren't always strong enough to take their place up front. And I guess it would be different if people could project their thoughts and read other people's minds, but until the next leap in human evolution I'm all alone in here. And i always think how different it would be if we could see past what people say and do to what they actually mean when they say and do it. Communication is a wonderful thing, but it only works when thoughts are vocalized and even then things can be misinterpreted. So it's nice to have people that "get me", that can be in my head and theirs at the same time. of course, anyone who knows me that well will have to have a lot of patience.
How many people do you actually understand? there are just a handful of people that I feel that way about. And it's not that I don't relate to and "know" my friends. it's just that it takes a lot of selflessness to see past myself and focus on another person without my ego getting in the way. it's almost against my will. And it doesn't change how much I love them, i think it just makes it easier to deal with. sometimes we fight and i'm pissed, but it doesn't matter, you know? But you can't get to know someone unless they let you, unless they are willing to open up like that. And when it's a matter of friends then it's reciprocal--you learn things about each other. you're not just trading secrets, you're sharing who you are and I don't think it's something that should be taken lightly.
I've got a good number of friends, but they're not all so close that I tell them everything. I don't tell anyone everything. But there are some who I have fun with and can even have serious talks with, but I don't know if I can really confide in them. for some i want to and i'm just hesitant, and for others i already know that they've reached their limit as far as the levels of me go. And i guess it sounds like I'm not even giving them a chance but that's how it is. friendships manifest themselves in various ways. i've had to reconcile myself with other people's ideas of "friendship" and sometimes it was sad finding out that we weren't as "close" as I thought we were or that they just weren't the kind of person that i wanted to be close to, but I didn't stop being their "friend". I just had to reassess and be satisfied with our new friendship. Of course the best part is that no one else knows that this is going on. or maybe they do and they just don't care. or maybe i just try to order my world so i can say it's a waste of time to be upset over a perfectly logical conclusion.
sometimes i'm so comfortable being me that i'll fall into certain patterns, even when I hate them. even when I've identified them and know i don't want to be there. it's frustrating!! where can i go to escape from me?! i guess that's what sleep is for--except when i have those really odd dreams.
last week i memorized the fear mantra from Dune. I don't know why. I thought maybe it could help me. Not had the chance to test it. sometimes i just say it to know that i can. on the plus side, i'm graduating. hooray for me.