half my <3 is in iraq
The past couple of days I have felt more alone than ever. I can't explain, I keep fighting back the tears that I desperately want to cry but can't. It's been a nightmare that never ceases and won't for a long time. The same nightmares keep occuring at night making me unable to sleep, I'm packing up my apartment leaving nothing behind while forcing back tears, I'm sleeping more and more by myself while my husband is at work, I feel like I'm completely falling apart. I have no one to talk to, because honestly no one can really say that they understand what I'm going through. No one has been through it before which makes it even harder. Sometimes I wish I had just decided to stay out here adn not go back home, but I know I would still be just as miserable.
Why is it I can't have the things I want right now? Why can't I pay my bills on time, why can't I fall asleep at night next to my man, why can't I just be happy? I just want a normal life and right nwo that is no where within my reach. I miss beign able to sleep in with my kyleo laying next to me. I miss just being able to hang out wiht him, and go to the track, and hang out with friends, waxin the cars, goign to the pool hall, taking vacations. I miss being with him.
Now I'm goign to be alone agian for the next 7 months here in teh next couple of weeks. I don't knwo if I can handle it. I tell myself that I'm going to just keep myself busy, and not dwell and think about what is going on. I'm refusing to let myself watch TV because I know it will only cause turmoil and make me sad. I get to talk to him, but its not the same. I'll always be worried, I'll always be wondering if he is danger, I'll always be loving him although he is half a world away from me. My love for him will never falter, but my fears for him will forever go on. I just want to live a normal life, why can't I have that? I won't be able to have that for the next 3 years. I just want to be able to shut my mind off.
I feel so selfish because I just want to keep him to myself. I don't want him goign to fight in some war that I don't fully grasp and don't fully support. I'm emesly proud of him, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of not seeing him, tired of not being able to depend on him when I need him, and I'm tired of him not being here to fall asleep in my arms. My grandma is more than likely not going to make it through the summer. So I am told. I'm more than likely goign to have face another endeaver without him there next to me to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I want to be able to cry and not be told that I'm being selfish or childish, that I should just be proud. I'm so fuckign tired of being proud! I love him, I don't want anythign to happen to him, am I wrong to feel that way? I want to be able to grow old with him, and have babies, and not have to worry about him being in danger of some towelhead killing him in the line of fire. I want to live next to door some of the bestest friends I could ever ask for ( you know who you are...). I want to live a normal life. But then again, nowadays, what is a normal life?
Why is it I can't have the things I want right now? Why can't I pay my bills on time, why can't I fall asleep at night next to my man, why can't I just be happy? I just want a normal life and right nwo that is no where within my reach. I miss beign able to sleep in with my kyleo laying next to me. I miss just being able to hang out wiht him, and go to the track, and hang out with friends, waxin the cars, goign to the pool hall, taking vacations. I miss being with him.
Now I'm goign to be alone agian for the next 7 months here in teh next couple of weeks. I don't knwo if I can handle it. I tell myself that I'm going to just keep myself busy, and not dwell and think about what is going on. I'm refusing to let myself watch TV because I know it will only cause turmoil and make me sad. I get to talk to him, but its not the same. I'll always be worried, I'll always be wondering if he is danger, I'll always be loving him although he is half a world away from me. My love for him will never falter, but my fears for him will forever go on. I just want to live a normal life, why can't I have that? I won't be able to have that for the next 3 years. I just want to be able to shut my mind off.
I feel so selfish because I just want to keep him to myself. I don't want him goign to fight in some war that I don't fully grasp and don't fully support. I'm emesly proud of him, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of not seeing him, tired of not being able to depend on him when I need him, and I'm tired of him not being here to fall asleep in my arms. My grandma is more than likely not going to make it through the summer. So I am told. I'm more than likely goign to have face another endeaver without him there next to me to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I want to be able to cry and not be told that I'm being selfish or childish, that I should just be proud. I'm so fuckign tired of being proud! I love him, I don't want anythign to happen to him, am I wrong to feel that way? I want to be able to grow old with him, and have babies, and not have to worry about him being in danger of some towelhead killing him in the line of fire. I want to live next to door some of the bestest friends I could ever ask for ( you know who you are...). I want to live a normal life. But then again, nowadays, what is a normal life?