I Feel Very Lost Lately
I feel like I'm supposed to know something, to do something, but I don't know what that something is. I feel every emotion I've probably ever had floating around in my head, and it's driving me crazy. Love, hate, joy, grief, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, it's all crammed in there.
I can't forget M&M for one second of the day it seems, not that the 84 minutes I spend with her every day is ever enough. The way she stands, the way she talks, the way her eyes light up, the way she laughs. I can't forget any of it, no matter how hard I keep trying to. Worst part is, I know I only have 10 weeks left, and then it's all over.
I think about Tanya every once in a while, those particular thoughts usually being accompanied by anger and loss and deception. Like I thought it maybe could have been good, but when I really think about it, I never loved her, and it would have never worked.
I feel so self-overwhelmed, like I'm maybe trying to do too much, but at the same time I'm not doing enough of what I want and too much of what everyone else wants. AP History is totally overwhelming, to be completely honest I'd rather be stuck in the level one class, because I've heard that while it's extremely easy, I would at least be entertained by the teacher's... strangeness. I'm miserable in band, I'm miserable in Spanish. I don't really like my jobs tutoring, but I keep doing it because it's $40 bucks a week for 2 hours worth of work. I hate my driving lessons, the instructors make me so nervous. I'm completely not looking forward to my license test, seeing as a cop will probably make me more nervous, and I don't want to do anything wrong.
I've been totally neglecting my writing, my reviews are rushed and I feel less and less confident every day that this is what I want to do with my life. I really want to be a writer, but I don't want the pressures to perform that come with it. I'd be so much safer with a desk job, but I know I'd never be able to live with that.
Then I'm trying to overcompensate by doing too much of my stuff. Two message boards, three journals/blogs, my website, Stuco, SADD, and everything else.
And to top it off, I'm surrounded by my friends... but I feel alone. I haven't talked to Carole in what seems like forever. Really, really, talk I mean, like we used to. I used to know everything about her... and now I don't even know if she considers me to be her friend anymore, nevermind best friend. I have many acquaintances, but it seems nobody that I'm really close with, that knows everything about me, except maybe Liam. And I'm obviously not having luck in the love department either. M&M and I have a lot in common, but age and sexuality is not one of them. (At least, as far as I know on the second.) And certainly not interest. I still think about Nicolle every once and a while, hope I bump into her sometime. Seeing Lindsay almost every day is a painful reminder if there ever was one. I don't really think about anyone else.
So... if you just read that, thanks, because I needed to get that off my chest. I feel completely exhausted... I don't know if I can manage one more week before New York. At least I have the Veterans Day ceremony to look forward to.