(no subject)
Why does this happen? Every time I try to help someone, I end up screwing up their life more. I stir up feelings that shouldn't be stirred up. Why do I have to try to fix everyone!?! I should've learned after Joanna that I can't help anyone and people are better left to deal with their own problems because in the end, they are the ones that have to deal and confront their problems. I end up hurting people more than I help them. I'm a hinderence and a horrible friend to the people that I try to "help." I mean well, but I just shouldn't pry and get into people's lives.
I love the friends that I've made over the last semester. They are the kind of people that you want to know for the rest of your life. They are responsible for saving me from the prison of loneliness and I can't thank them enough for that. Before I met them, I thought, well I still do but to a lower extent, that people only associated with me because they either had to, knew me forever so had to, or just didn't have the heart to tell me how annoying and boring I am. Under all the smiles and laughter is really a very unsure and insecure person that thought he had no friends that really liked him for him. (There are exceptions guys, you know who you are.) So, the night that Brian told me that I had no choice in the fact that I was coming over to his house 3 months ago was the first time that I felt wanted by a group of people. I have never had a group of friends like this and it feels great to be wanted by people other than my own family and I'm learning so much about myself from you guys. But with friends, comes a whole new world of rules about what you can and can not say or do that I've had a very hard time adjusting to. But, I'm trying guys, and I really do mean well. But this is an upset entry so there's obviously a reason for why I'm telling you this. I don't know if I can be friends with you guys for much longer. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but I can't lose more people in my life.
Confused? I bet.
I've lose a lot of people in my relatively short life and I can't lose you guys as well. We're in college, guys. I know that college friends don't stay together forever and I care about you guys too much to lose you. We will drift apart and not see each other after next summer. Stacey is absolutly gone after next semester. Jamie is going to NYC and to school down there. Possibly Kenny will be done after next semester. Gretchen is talking about going to freaking Florida. D wants to get out as well. But as all of you have plans and great futures ahead of you, I probably won't even finish college. You see, you guys are my MCC. I'm not good at school. I lack the drive and dedication to make anything of myself. I'll be in Rochester for the rest of my life, working a dead end, minimum wage job, married to someone that I hate, but am with because I'm so freaking stupid that I'll fall in love for the wrong reasons. It's so sad, but all I see for myself down every road is the same thing, Failure. I can't do anything but sing and I'm not even good enough to do that. I'm not special, I won't stand out in a group of people who are all as talented as me. I have nothing to offer the world except the fact that I'm a "Nice guy." First of all, Nice. Guys. Always. Finish. Last. and secondly, with the increasing frequency of people calling my an asshole, I'm losing the whole nice guy battle in the first place! I'm so worthless.
So, I guess what I'm trying to get at in this incoherent stupid rant is, I can't be close with anyone. It's too freaking hard to lose people and I don't want to do it anymore. But, I'll fail at trying to cut the ties with my friends because I don't want to lose them at the same time. God! I can't do anything! I really wish our country wasn't run by a moronic asshole, because it would just be easier to join the armed forces which I hate and have them take away all my emotions.
I hate being me.
I love the friends that I've made over the last semester. They are the kind of people that you want to know for the rest of your life. They are responsible for saving me from the prison of loneliness and I can't thank them enough for that. Before I met them, I thought, well I still do but to a lower extent, that people only associated with me because they either had to, knew me forever so had to, or just didn't have the heart to tell me how annoying and boring I am. Under all the smiles and laughter is really a very unsure and insecure person that thought he had no friends that really liked him for him. (There are exceptions guys, you know who you are.) So, the night that Brian told me that I had no choice in the fact that I was coming over to his house 3 months ago was the first time that I felt wanted by a group of people. I have never had a group of friends like this and it feels great to be wanted by people other than my own family and I'm learning so much about myself from you guys. But with friends, comes a whole new world of rules about what you can and can not say or do that I've had a very hard time adjusting to. But, I'm trying guys, and I really do mean well. But this is an upset entry so there's obviously a reason for why I'm telling you this. I don't know if I can be friends with you guys for much longer. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but I can't lose more people in my life.
Confused? I bet.
I've lose a lot of people in my relatively short life and I can't lose you guys as well. We're in college, guys. I know that college friends don't stay together forever and I care about you guys too much to lose you. We will drift apart and not see each other after next summer. Stacey is absolutly gone after next semester. Jamie is going to NYC and to school down there. Possibly Kenny will be done after next semester. Gretchen is talking about going to freaking Florida. D wants to get out as well. But as all of you have plans and great futures ahead of you, I probably won't even finish college. You see, you guys are my MCC. I'm not good at school. I lack the drive and dedication to make anything of myself. I'll be in Rochester for the rest of my life, working a dead end, minimum wage job, married to someone that I hate, but am with because I'm so freaking stupid that I'll fall in love for the wrong reasons. It's so sad, but all I see for myself down every road is the same thing, Failure. I can't do anything but sing and I'm not even good enough to do that. I'm not special, I won't stand out in a group of people who are all as talented as me. I have nothing to offer the world except the fact that I'm a "Nice guy." First of all, Nice. Guys. Always. Finish. Last. and secondly, with the increasing frequency of people calling my an asshole, I'm losing the whole nice guy battle in the first place! I'm so worthless.
So, I guess what I'm trying to get at in this incoherent stupid rant is, I can't be close with anyone. It's too freaking hard to lose people and I don't want to do it anymore. But, I'll fail at trying to cut the ties with my friends because I don't want to lose them at the same time. God! I can't do anything! I really wish our country wasn't run by a moronic asshole, because it would just be easier to join the armed forces which I hate and have them take away all my emotions.
I hate being me.