meme time
Well. I'm home from America. Which means my inner clock and I are having a little disagreement. It's ten in the morning. My brain is informing me that it should be the middle of the night instead.
Need to stay awake through the day, though, or I'll be fucked at work tomorrow.
Give me a scene from a fic that I wrote, and I'll meta?(also ( Read more... )
Need to stay awake through the day, though, or I'll be fucked at work tomorrow.
Give me a scene from a fic that I wrote, and I'll meta?(also ( Read more... )
It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read
Oh wow, thank you. :)
I mostly thought while writing this chapter, "Holy fuck, why is this getting so long." :p (the answer is, because I ended up with a late addition to it, which is the lake scene where Haymitch quizzes Finnick on why he finds him attractive. It was an important scene to add though)
During the sex scene, I was mostly focused on the idea of how Finnick wouldn't have textbook trigger reactions because he can't afford to have them in his life of continued abuse, so rather than being about avoiding triggers, it would be about trying to figure out what he wants to be doing. What feels good? That's one of the reasons why he needs so much control to a point where he doesn't want to be touched. He needs the freedom of movement so that he can figure things out without interference. Enjoyment is such a more fickle emotion than discomfort. Day in and out, Finnick has sexual interactions that give him no emotions. He needs to listen very carefully to make sure that everything he does really is something he enjoys.
It's also a power thing. His sexual behavior ties in with the swimming scene very tightly, because of the swimming metaphor that he uses to frame his idea of being in power. You don't succeed at swimming in dangerous waters by conquering the ocean or forcing it into submission or anything. You can only learn to handle it. That's generally how Finnick approaches a lot of things. First step, figure things out and get an overview of what needs doing; second step, do it. He gets control over the Games like that with his marketing plan and Games school. It shows in the sex scene when afterwards, he immediately starts cataloging things that worked and didn't work in an attempt to improve them. Organization is his way of reducing anxiety. It's why he tackles everything heads-on. However, he has no experience with consensual sex, which is why he is so terribly nervous. He doesn't know what to expect. Especially since it needs to work for Haymitch too, not just for himself. It's also one reason why Haymitch's trigger reaction isn't a big deal for him. It supplies him with a protocol to follow. You shower, then I shower, then you wait in another room while I take care of the sheets.
Haymitch is the opposite in many ways. He procrastinates. He doesn't think about things until he has to. It's a dangerous habit. It means that he's hit out of the blue by these things sometimes because he's unprepared. It's why he deals with sobriety by doing nothing - not eating, not dealing - and retreating, hoping that that'll solve the problem for him. And why he never tackled the overwhelming task of making a Games strategy. Mostly it shows in how he keeps claiming, through the fic, that he doesn't have (sexual) triggers. Right here, we learn that this isn't true. Haymitch refused to consider how his body odor trigger could pose a problem in the bedroom and then he doesn't see it coming. They compliment each other in that way. Finnick feels most comfortable when he can create safe frames of conduct, and those frames allow Haymitch to shut off his brain and just feel good things without hurting himself. Which is pretty much their sex life in a nutshell. ;)
Up to this chapter, Finnick has been struggling with the fact that he doesn't have sexual trigger reactions and that he is able to have sex in this smooth way, without his subconscious protesting. (but his subconscious knows that protest would get people killed and that he can't afford protest) A part of him had been believing that he liked what the Capitol was doing to him, because he got off on the sex, because he was so good in hit, because if he's a slut, that means it's in his nature. So in a way, the fact that just this small, shy act of giving Haymitch a handjob was such a huge effort is an incredibly important step for him. Even he can't help but notice that his isn't how sex usually works. He's gotten damaged after all.
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