Why I loved her... Why I screwed up.
Trying to hold it all together isn't the easiest of things to do. There's a saying that goes something like "It's easier to be miserable than happy. And misery loves company." I want to sit and cry all day and scream... but I'm trying to be productive. When I go somewhere, a memory will immediately pop up of when I last visited the place Im at with Annie. The memory is such a powerful thing... it's such a dangerous thing... it's such a frustrating thing to have sometimes.
I'm trying to be positive because I know no one likes to be around someone mopey. Friends want to hang out, and when i'm hanging out with them... all I can think of is wanting to hang out with Annie Elizabeth Suter.
Memories with her:
The way she'd rub her nose or cheek against my lips.
The way she'd call me nicknames like "Bubba, stinks"
The way she'd say "Wussa matter?!" or "hi man riiighh now." or "bet an bon righh now"
The way she'd kiss me all over my face in the morning or yell at me for snoring too loud or when I'm hogging up the bed.
The way she'd do her lil hop-skip-jump.
The way when she was just wearing underwear, she'd flex her butt muscles and get this cute look on her face.
The way she moved here for me... to be closer to me.
The way I would come home to candles lit every where...and even one time to candles leading up to a table where it was filled with my fav candies and cookies everywhere along with flowers... and along with a speech of how much she loved me.
I remember when I recieved my first promise ring... and it was from her.
The way she really did try so hard to make me happy.
The way she walks around and takes people's orders when she's waitressing. She's so professional.
The way she'd do her scottish accent to make everyone laugh. Lachivenue!
No other woman has her lips and her nose and her chin with a clef in it.
The way she'd kiss me. She was the best kisser I've ever kissed. I don't want to ever kiss anyone else again, nor do I want her to kiss anyone else.
The way she feels in my arms... and always comforted me.
I miss her so much it hurts.
I just couldn't go on the way it was. There was so much stress in her life and I was trying so hard to help her... and then I lost myself... I lost my passion... I lost my dreamer-self. I just wish that she could get her act together... and me too, then we could get back together. But, I dont know if that's a possibility.
I'm so afraid she'll find someone else. But, I'm a firm believer that she'll never find anyone else like me. Nor will i find anyone like her.
I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, all the time I do have, I spend thinking of and crying over her.
Sure I was the one who decided to break up... but that didn't make things easier. Almost a year of being together... a year of planning our future wedding... a year of picking out names for our children... a year of planning the rest of our lives together... is gone. My future and her future of 80 more years has been changed in almost one year.
I can't stop thinking about all the fucked up things I did in our relationship. I wasn't the best of girlfriends. I'm quite a weird girlfriend. Selfish at times. I get in my moods... to where I'm inside my head alot--thinking about nothing. I wasn't excited about anything to ever talk. I would get such a temper with her, that it would scare her and make her cry. (that's something I can't stop thinking about--i feel so bad about all the times I got REALLY upset and REALLY mean.) I had at one point-feelings for another girl. I don't know why... I think it was because I was so stressed with her at the time. That was no excuse. That's something I'll never forgive myself for. I also lied a lot. Come to think of it--i'm not sure why I lied. Perhaps because I wanted to keep the peace. But lies will lock you up, with truth the only key. And lying just made things worse. Yet I'd still do it.
Sure, she did things too... but, its not an eye for an eye... two wrongs don't make a right. I fucked up so much.. that I just want to make a clean start with her. I would change EVERY THING I did wrong. I may have done a lot for her... but the few shitty things I did to her... makes all those things I actually did good for her, not worth anything. She did a lot for me too though. She loved me like I've never been loved. She ALWAYS made me feel beautiful. And I... I don't think I made her feel as beautiful as she made me feel.
I will admit that I'm an asshole. Sure, I claim to be a nice person, and I believe I am. But I have issues that I obviously need to work on. I recognize my issues and problems and unstableness... and am willing to conqure them all. And I will.
I care about her so much. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner... my lover. I hope that one day, we'll get our acts together... and we'll finally be able to be with each other and experience TRUE love. Selfishness and insecurities wont be in our future relationship.
The tough part is... that it feels like she's dead... but she's not. She's 50 miles away- 45 minutes away- a call away- and I can't do anything about it.
I'm trying to be positive because I know no one likes to be around someone mopey. Friends want to hang out, and when i'm hanging out with them... all I can think of is wanting to hang out with Annie Elizabeth Suter.
Memories with her:
The way she'd rub her nose or cheek against my lips.
The way she'd call me nicknames like "Bubba, stinks"
The way she'd say "Wussa matter?!" or "hi man riiighh now." or "bet an bon righh now"
The way she'd kiss me all over my face in the morning or yell at me for snoring too loud or when I'm hogging up the bed.
The way she'd do her lil hop-skip-jump.
The way when she was just wearing underwear, she'd flex her butt muscles and get this cute look on her face.
The way she moved here for me... to be closer to me.
The way I would come home to candles lit every where...and even one time to candles leading up to a table where it was filled with my fav candies and cookies everywhere along with flowers... and along with a speech of how much she loved me.
I remember when I recieved my first promise ring... and it was from her.
The way she really did try so hard to make me happy.
The way she walks around and takes people's orders when she's waitressing. She's so professional.
The way she'd do her scottish accent to make everyone laugh. Lachivenue!
No other woman has her lips and her nose and her chin with a clef in it.
The way she'd kiss me. She was the best kisser I've ever kissed. I don't want to ever kiss anyone else again, nor do I want her to kiss anyone else.
The way she feels in my arms... and always comforted me.
I miss her so much it hurts.
I just couldn't go on the way it was. There was so much stress in her life and I was trying so hard to help her... and then I lost myself... I lost my passion... I lost my dreamer-self. I just wish that she could get her act together... and me too, then we could get back together. But, I dont know if that's a possibility.
I'm so afraid she'll find someone else. But, I'm a firm believer that she'll never find anyone else like me. Nor will i find anyone like her.
I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, all the time I do have, I spend thinking of and crying over her.
Sure I was the one who decided to break up... but that didn't make things easier. Almost a year of being together... a year of planning our future wedding... a year of picking out names for our children... a year of planning the rest of our lives together... is gone. My future and her future of 80 more years has been changed in almost one year.
I can't stop thinking about all the fucked up things I did in our relationship. I wasn't the best of girlfriends. I'm quite a weird girlfriend. Selfish at times. I get in my moods... to where I'm inside my head alot--thinking about nothing. I wasn't excited about anything to ever talk. I would get such a temper with her, that it would scare her and make her cry. (that's something I can't stop thinking about--i feel so bad about all the times I got REALLY upset and REALLY mean.) I had at one point-feelings for another girl. I don't know why... I think it was because I was so stressed with her at the time. That was no excuse. That's something I'll never forgive myself for. I also lied a lot. Come to think of it--i'm not sure why I lied. Perhaps because I wanted to keep the peace. But lies will lock you up, with truth the only key. And lying just made things worse. Yet I'd still do it.
Sure, she did things too... but, its not an eye for an eye... two wrongs don't make a right. I fucked up so much.. that I just want to make a clean start with her. I would change EVERY THING I did wrong. I may have done a lot for her... but the few shitty things I did to her... makes all those things I actually did good for her, not worth anything. She did a lot for me too though. She loved me like I've never been loved. She ALWAYS made me feel beautiful. And I... I don't think I made her feel as beautiful as she made me feel.
I will admit that I'm an asshole. Sure, I claim to be a nice person, and I believe I am. But I have issues that I obviously need to work on. I recognize my issues and problems and unstableness... and am willing to conqure them all. And I will.
I care about her so much. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner... my lover. I hope that one day, we'll get our acts together... and we'll finally be able to be with each other and experience TRUE love. Selfishness and insecurities wont be in our future relationship.
The tough part is... that it feels like she's dead... but she's not. She's 50 miles away- 45 minutes away- a call away- and I can't do anything about it.