(no subject)
i feel idiotic
i don't know why my life feels so disastrous and why i let things happen to me and then am sad over the fact that i walk into situations quite willingly and with a remarkable amount of shortsightedness and narcissism, just assuming that bonds in life are formed as instantaneously as they are destroyed
i can't understand my own fragility and whether or not that's my fatal flaw because it seems so absolutely necessary and vital to who i am as a person
i make foolish emotional investments and blame myself when they take a track i should have expected in the first place, but why should you expect people to be careless with you as if it were as natural, expected, and everyday as breathing
i care too much about potentiality and i care far too much about intentionality. i make excuses for people who hurt me and i've taken on the entire weight of the dissolution of this once beautiful thing in my life because deep down i feel as though i failed in my life somehow, that admitting emotional distance or the withholding of love or affection means that i was weak
i've been hurt deeply and i'm supposed to pretend nothing has happened. i'm supposed to be strong and graceful and not make a mess or, even worse, a scene.
i want closure, absolute
i want a reprieve
i want nice things again