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I think I'm getting back to my roots. Life has been very difficult for me as of late, but I think I'm learning to deal with everything. The birth control they have me on has been giving me these crazy mood swings -- I've switched, so hopefully that will be better. My doctor's first suggestion was to talk about "mood stabilizers." Anti-depressants should be the ABSOLUTE last resort, lady. I think she's more concerned about my anxiety than anything else, but I've never really found my anxiety to be severe enough that it's unmanageable. But I have lost weight, which is a concern for me. I'm not really taking care of myself like I should, and that's another part of this.
People always want to dope you up, thinking it'll make your life easier. It doesn't make like easier, it doesn't fix anything. Life is just hard. No amount of outside substance or stimulation can change that. Trying to explain to someone that the onset of symptoms has been only since the introduction of the medication is difficult but, eh. There's that. I'm back to school in a week, which will drastically improve my quality of life right now.
I've grown to accept a lot about my relationship. I don't want to be away from him, so I've got to make the sacrifices. He's been really lovely and supportive and somehow, even with all this distance, I feel closer to him than ever. The distance is hard, but it it's worth it when I see him.
I'm excited to get back to school and my life and a place where I can breathe. I hate being cooped up. But I'm working on making my life better, on being braver, on not being so afraid to just make a goddamn decision about something.
I don't want so much attention focused on me. I just want to live my life.
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life."
- John Lennon