postscript.
maybe it's not good to speak in anger. sometimes i count to ten, twenty, fifty, one hundred, and i am still angry. maybe that's a problem. i've spent so much time regulating my own emotions (feel this, don't feel this, you may be feeling this, but you know it's wrong.) i need to either apologize less or more. maybe i need to stop apologizing for the wrong things. i am insincere, down to the bone, and i can't seem to change that. i can't control when i'm going to care or not care. being a "bad" person is so subjective. i just want to get all this down. sometimes i think i want to be alone forever, and sometimes i'm so lonely that i know it wouldn't work. i can't handle the pain of being close to other people, and yet i crave the connection. there's too much self-analysis, and i can't get away from it--the neurosis and the insecurity with simultaneous vanity. i feel all mixed up inside.