(no subject)
everything's beating me up. I feel beat up. I feel like everything I do is trying to compensate for how run down I feel.
I haven't felt anything but run down in months. The things that I thought would make that feeling go away haven't. at all. I feel exhausted, I feel like I'm struggling in everything I do, and I just think about decisions I've made for hours a day and wonder if they were right.
What makes me feel normal again?
so many people that I even begin to talk to about this sort of thing just talk about how they always perceived me as very happy, and that I'm not supposed to be unhappy. That's not fair. Have I cornered myself as some kind of novelty? I feel like Joe Pesci. Everyone else acts sad like it's fucking admirable.
and maybe that's what bugs me the most? All the time I'm around people who play the whole "Everyone look how sad I am and ask me about it" game, and it makes me physically ill. I've never done that, barring one night that really wasn't intentional, I don't think. God forbid I ever do. I don't want to ever be that, ever, haha.
This makes it sound like I'm really depressed or something. I shouldn't really say that. I just don't feel good. Nothing's making me feel fulfilled and good anymore. Not even things that used to. I just wonder if it's time to make big changes, and how to do it.
I can't wait for the weekend though. I'm going to Vermont to see Hitchings and Nina. I love my friends to death, and I feel awful saying any less of them, but of the people that actually stayed in Rockland all this time, Hitchings was the only one I actually felt was consistently good for me. Like, always actually beneficial to have around at this kinda junction in my life. When I was real fucked up he was picking me up every day and just dealing with me like a champion, haha. I must have been unbearable. Seeing him, like always, will be fantastic.
Also, if you go to this link you'll find that I'm kind of playing music again. and thank god for that. it keeps me together just like I remember it doing.
I can't wait for my cup of coffee tomorrow morning. good night.
I haven't felt anything but run down in months. The things that I thought would make that feeling go away haven't. at all. I feel exhausted, I feel like I'm struggling in everything I do, and I just think about decisions I've made for hours a day and wonder if they were right.
What makes me feel normal again?
so many people that I even begin to talk to about this sort of thing just talk about how they always perceived me as very happy, and that I'm not supposed to be unhappy. That's not fair. Have I cornered myself as some kind of novelty? I feel like Joe Pesci. Everyone else acts sad like it's fucking admirable.
and maybe that's what bugs me the most? All the time I'm around people who play the whole "Everyone look how sad I am and ask me about it" game, and it makes me physically ill. I've never done that, barring one night that really wasn't intentional, I don't think. God forbid I ever do. I don't want to ever be that, ever, haha.
This makes it sound like I'm really depressed or something. I shouldn't really say that. I just don't feel good. Nothing's making me feel fulfilled and good anymore. Not even things that used to. I just wonder if it's time to make big changes, and how to do it.
I can't wait for the weekend though. I'm going to Vermont to see Hitchings and Nina. I love my friends to death, and I feel awful saying any less of them, but of the people that actually stayed in Rockland all this time, Hitchings was the only one I actually felt was consistently good for me. Like, always actually beneficial to have around at this kinda junction in my life. When I was real fucked up he was picking me up every day and just dealing with me like a champion, haha. I must have been unbearable. Seeing him, like always, will be fantastic.
Also, if you go to this link you'll find that I'm kind of playing music again. and thank god for that. it keeps me together just like I remember it doing.
I can't wait for my cup of coffee tomorrow morning. good night.