(no subject)
i've started to believe i may be a good person and even a competent person, but i think i will never believe i am worthy of love because i am rarely treated as if i am worthy of love. my friends treat me as if i am and i am very grateful to them.
i am a burden to my family and the people who are sort of in relationships with me.
i don't think men are capable of having meaningful lives. i am in an office full of compassionate women who work very hard and sincerely care for the people they work with and make no money.
i did a coma responsiveness assessment today on a young man who literally got his brains bashed in by another man who was hitting on his girlfriend. i felt a little bit of annoyance when his mother came in and didn't follow infection control and then berated myself because of course she wants to lay gloveless hands on her baby. he is only a baby. 24 and his eyes open and glide to the right. she wants to believe he closes his eyes when she says "close your eyes" but he closes his eyes when she doesn't say it, too. he opens his eyes and closes his eyes and yawns. and that is everything he can do. if my baby were in a hospital i would risk getting everyone sick to lay bare hands on him and hope he remembers all of himself through a human skin touch that is not clinical. the notes all say "poor neurological recovery".
it makes me remember being in abington hospital with my brother who was not my brother anymore. he was my brother's body and breath but not my brother's pensive calls or side to side stances or flapping or smiling.
i am a very complete person, a person who makes things and helps people and loves a lot. but i am unworthy of being loved romantically because that is all about beauty. so it's best if i learn how to accept that that doesn't need to be a part of my life because i have other things.
the things i see i was worried about last month like doing an informal bedside assessment i can do very well now, i think. i called lots of people and have seen 7 research participants and only need to do 3 more. if i can stick it out i will have done the hardest thing i've ever done.
i am a burden to my family and the people who are sort of in relationships with me.
i don't think men are capable of having meaningful lives. i am in an office full of compassionate women who work very hard and sincerely care for the people they work with and make no money.
i did a coma responsiveness assessment today on a young man who literally got his brains bashed in by another man who was hitting on his girlfriend. i felt a little bit of annoyance when his mother came in and didn't follow infection control and then berated myself because of course she wants to lay gloveless hands on her baby. he is only a baby. 24 and his eyes open and glide to the right. she wants to believe he closes his eyes when she says "close your eyes" but he closes his eyes when she doesn't say it, too. he opens his eyes and closes his eyes and yawns. and that is everything he can do. if my baby were in a hospital i would risk getting everyone sick to lay bare hands on him and hope he remembers all of himself through a human skin touch that is not clinical. the notes all say "poor neurological recovery".
it makes me remember being in abington hospital with my brother who was not my brother anymore. he was my brother's body and breath but not my brother's pensive calls or side to side stances or flapping or smiling.
i am a very complete person, a person who makes things and helps people and loves a lot. but i am unworthy of being loved romantically because that is all about beauty. so it's best if i learn how to accept that that doesn't need to be a part of my life because i have other things.
the things i see i was worried about last month like doing an informal bedside assessment i can do very well now, i think. i called lots of people and have seen 7 research participants and only need to do 3 more. if i can stick it out i will have done the hardest thing i've ever done.