(no subject)
what i want from tomorrow is a renewed enthusiasm about doing this for a living. i want the feeling of having adequately prepared and thus the ability to carry out my work competently, even when it's challenging and i'm inexperienced. i will not be fearful and i will not hold out for external validation. i want the satisfaction of knowing that cumulative tasks and hours of hard work have brought me to a point where i have some skill. i think it's possible to have that again.
my body is so fucked. i really just can't eat food. i need to go to a dentist. i feel like every part of me is just decaying and withering (i bet you could find identical sentences in here from 15 years ago). i sometimes find myself resenting people who have the means to give time and space to themselves to maintain their lives amidst their illnesses and anxiety but that's backwards! that's how it should be for everyone! what's wrong is having to constantly force my body and mind into situations it cannot cope with till everything falls apart. i don't want to be a Good Ill Person and Good Mentally Ill Person who contorts into the shape of an Ok Person and sets that standard that even a person who is basically always on the verge of both physical and mental breakdown "can do it". I can't do it. I have to do it. and that's wrong.
apparently i am a natural at the lesbian dark arts so fuck this degree really
my body is so fucked. i really just can't eat food. i need to go to a dentist. i feel like every part of me is just decaying and withering (i bet you could find identical sentences in here from 15 years ago). i sometimes find myself resenting people who have the means to give time and space to themselves to maintain their lives amidst their illnesses and anxiety but that's backwards! that's how it should be for everyone! what's wrong is having to constantly force my body and mind into situations it cannot cope with till everything falls apart. i don't want to be a Good Ill Person and Good Mentally Ill Person who contorts into the shape of an Ok Person and sets that standard that even a person who is basically always on the verge of both physical and mental breakdown "can do it". I can't do it. I have to do it. and that's wrong.
apparently i am a natural at the lesbian dark arts so fuck this degree really