(no subject)
I'm not crazy.
But what exactly do you call crazy?
Because, maybe to you I am.
To me, I'm not.
I'm just a little unwell.
It's like that song.
What do you do when you don't want to try anymore?
What happens if you're here at 12:00 and you're doubting 12:05?
This isn't a cry for help.
I'm not asking for your pity.
I want to be better.
I'm trying really hard.
But what happens when you try and try,
And it's just not good enough?
I've been trying and it's not been enough.
So what do I do?
I'm sick of trying to be a good person,
And clearly failing.
Because my friends stop talking to me.
The people that you thought you could count on,
Just aren't there.
And that's fine.
Because it's always going to be like that.
So I just don't put effort into it anymore.
It's just that, never, ever, in my wildest dreams
Would I have thought that some people
Would have done that to me.
What happens when they all do it?
Why do I have to pretend like it's ok?
When will I be able to wake up and actually be happy?
I anticipate it being better,
For a little bit it is
Then it all falls apart.
Can your tears break you?
Could they make you worn out?
Will they eat me apart?
I think they have.
I can't cry anymore,
Or atleast I don't think that I can...
And then I do.
I suprise myself.
Maybe it's an unconcious goal of mine...
You know, to cry everyday.
At least I would be accomplishing a goal.
I've got faith.
At least I think I do.
I mean, yes. I do.
But sometimes it's hard to have faith.
No one said it would be easy
But no one ever told me it would be this damn hard.
Is that alright with you?
They tell me that it's going to be better.
They tell me that I'm not the only one.
They tell me that I have the right to feel this way.
But words aren't worth much to me anymore.
Because people have failed me.
I grew up quickly.
I hurt a lot.
I still hurt.
I still can't remember when I was just ok.
Not scared.
Not worried.
Not anticipating the bad.
Not afraid.
I don't want to feel that anymore.
I'm not crazy.
I'm just a little unwell.
A little strung out.
A little afraid.
A little scared.
And all of these littles
Are driving my head all the time.
I want it to stop
Or atleast slow down.
Is it bad that I don't want people to talk to me anymore?
That I don't feel like trying to be your friend.
That I don't want people to know what I feel
Because I'm afraid of what they might think of me?
Is that bad?
Am I a terrible person because I don't like myself?
Will I ever get better?
No one can answer that.
So don't pretend like you know
Because I won't believe you
Because everyone always told me it would get better
And I have faith that my Father will bring me through it
He thinks I can handle it.
I don't think I can.
But He thinks I can.
So I must be able to.
I sure hope that I can.
I really hope I can.
Because sometimes I feel like this is enough.
That I can't get any lower.
That I can't take anymore.
And I always do
And I always can
But what happens when I keep falling
And my mind can't take it anymore?
This isn't a cry for help.
I'm not crazy.
I'm just thinking.