Waiting...

[tropicalghoti]

I don't do down time very well, I've found. Basically, I've been sitting around waiting for 4:30 to roll around because 4:30 is when I have planned to walk to Alexander Platz. The reason I want to do this is not entirely good. So, I thought, "This is great. I'll read, draw, watch a movie, have some lunch, etc. Whoo!" As it is, I couldn't concentrate long enough to read or sit through a movie, I did some drawing and then I cleaned everything and the entire time I've done nothing but think "obsess" if you will about some of the stupidest shit. I realized that the only thing that keeps me from going completely insane is distraction. So now we're back to this point: I don't do down time very well. I have some serious doubts about how okay I really am. I mean, it's just not black and white. I feel really fine but for the smallish concerns that always seem to be present in my mind. I will literally sit around and run through them over and over and over in my head until I feel anxious and exhausted. There's too much gray in my life. I like this:

Happy:)----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sad:(

But, the problem is all the middle area. It just confuses me. What do you do with the middle area? How do you live with all the middle if you don't understand it? I like words because they make feelings/ thoughts solid. I like numbers for the same reason but I can't seem to label the middle which means it feels cloudy and a expansive and all over. If I could make them solid with things I understand then I can stack them up and push them to the side. As it stands, all the gray just sort of creeps through the cracks. This is more normal:

Happy:)--------Something New-----------Something Different-----------------Something Uncomfortable------------Something Weird----------------Sad:(