Speaker for the Dead
"Speakers research the dead person's life and give a speech that attempts to speak for them, describing the person's life as he or she tried to live it. This speech is not given in order to persuade the audience to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand the person as a whole, including any flaws or misdeeds."
Understanding. I mentioned earlier that at the end of it all, we hope that we are forgiven. That we will be remembered for the good things we have done.
I think this is probably a better way to think of it. That we are understood. And hopefully, with understanding, will come forgiveness and a recognition of the good. Even if we can't do good things, at least people will understand we tried or wished we could have been more.
I'm just getting random thoughts because I'm at work, and often times Scott is missing when he should be here. Just like he was missing from classes that he should have been at.
I know it's his life, and if he wants to miss classes and come damn near close to missing a final, he can do whatever he wants. I don't even have an obligation to call him and remind him that he has a final that he's missing. It's not my problem.
But work is boring, and I think back a little bit to the way he acted during our last few weeks of friendship. I hope someday I can understand what drives him to act the way he does. Because right now I just speculate, and I know speculating doesn't do any good, it only causes me to think of the worst possible things that could have existed. And I know I shouldn't think silly off the wall ideas that maybe he is some sort of sick drama-seeker or he harbored some sort of closeted attraction and wanted to see everything fall apart. It's stupid sounding and it's the kind of mindset that simply results in more drama. So I think those thoughts and then I tell myself, he is not my concern anymore, and whatever happened in the past or happens in the future, whatever questions I had or answers I will receive, I need to live in the present for now.
So I'm going to take a break from work and just vent really quickly.
I hope some day I will get the answers to why he lied so much, hid the truth so much, and did the things he did. I hope I will understand him someday, even if it's only at the end of everything or even beyond that.
I may never know. There is fabrication after fabrication sloppily prepared and hastily thrown up, and it simply isn't worth the trouble to try and salvage any friendship or answers from him when he's so determined to keep up his facade. These questions will continue to linger there in the back of my mind. I have questions from far longer back that I still can't quite shake. I know that's something I need to work on.
The other side of understanding. I hope some day I will be understood, by just one person. Someone I can tell everything to and they will understand. Perhaps that desire is a source of my issues with keeping up appropriate barriers. I trust, hope, too much that someone will understand, only to realize later on that they don't.
I trusted Alex and I always felt that she would be able to understand. She had been through a lot and knew firsthand the frustration of people judging you based off of a label, of the diverse experiences of different people, and of having others not understand you.
Ah, this part isn't nearly as well developed, but oh well. I'll ramble for a few minutes then get back to work.
When we were breaking up she seemed to have this horrible viewpoint of me as a terrible person. I was happy when there were times later on that she recognized some good things in me. I hope today that she doesn't think of me as some sort of monster, just human, with my strengths and weaknesses. I suppose it's too much to expect from someone. Oh well. Okay this was fairly vague, but I'm sure I'll revisit it at some point.
A slight tangent to being understood. I try my best, when asked a personal question, I will not lie. There is probably only one thing I would say I have lied about or consistently skirted by, and it's because I have a legal document that says not to talk about it. Everything else is fair game.
I still remember the time Alex commented about how when calvin, scott, and her came into my room to talk and Calvin said 'Do you have anything to talk about? How do you feel?' and I said I didn't have anything to talk about and I felt fine, she said it was "painfully obvious" and she felt I was pulling crap.
But you know, at that moment, that was exactly how I felt. I had found some video games to distract myself. I had screamed and yelled everything else out of my system earlier. I was fine, and I didn't have anything I wanted to just spill out and talk about.
Are there any other times it seems I haven't given a direct answer? I know one time someone asked me what was going to make it next month for a drill and I gave this long rambling explanation, and he said "You know, I still haven't actually gotten a yes or a no...see, that's all I need". Any other times? I know I'm aloof at times. I'm not one for just randomly talking. I'm not that outgoing. But when you ask me a question, I'll give you a truthful answer.
Bah, I guess I still find it ironic and slightly upsetting that I got yelled at and criticized for not being open enough, when it seems I'm more open and up front about a lot of things, even if I'm not eloquent enough to convey them properly. I know I still have a lot to work on, like I said, the kettle can call the pot black. Still, the little voice in the back of my mind goes "really?...really?"
Oh well. Need to move on. Back to work! I'll try and come up with some less QQ crap eventually.
Understanding. I mentioned earlier that at the end of it all, we hope that we are forgiven. That we will be remembered for the good things we have done.
I think this is probably a better way to think of it. That we are understood. And hopefully, with understanding, will come forgiveness and a recognition of the good. Even if we can't do good things, at least people will understand we tried or wished we could have been more.
I'm just getting random thoughts because I'm at work, and often times Scott is missing when he should be here. Just like he was missing from classes that he should have been at.
I know it's his life, and if he wants to miss classes and come damn near close to missing a final, he can do whatever he wants. I don't even have an obligation to call him and remind him that he has a final that he's missing. It's not my problem.
But work is boring, and I think back a little bit to the way he acted during our last few weeks of friendship. I hope someday I can understand what drives him to act the way he does. Because right now I just speculate, and I know speculating doesn't do any good, it only causes me to think of the worst possible things that could have existed. And I know I shouldn't think silly off the wall ideas that maybe he is some sort of sick drama-seeker or he harbored some sort of closeted attraction and wanted to see everything fall apart. It's stupid sounding and it's the kind of mindset that simply results in more drama. So I think those thoughts and then I tell myself, he is not my concern anymore, and whatever happened in the past or happens in the future, whatever questions I had or answers I will receive, I need to live in the present for now.
So I'm going to take a break from work and just vent really quickly.
I hope some day I will get the answers to why he lied so much, hid the truth so much, and did the things he did. I hope I will understand him someday, even if it's only at the end of everything or even beyond that.
I may never know. There is fabrication after fabrication sloppily prepared and hastily thrown up, and it simply isn't worth the trouble to try and salvage any friendship or answers from him when he's so determined to keep up his facade. These questions will continue to linger there in the back of my mind. I have questions from far longer back that I still can't quite shake. I know that's something I need to work on.
The other side of understanding. I hope some day I will be understood, by just one person. Someone I can tell everything to and they will understand. Perhaps that desire is a source of my issues with keeping up appropriate barriers. I trust, hope, too much that someone will understand, only to realize later on that they don't.
I trusted Alex and I always felt that she would be able to understand. She had been through a lot and knew firsthand the frustration of people judging you based off of a label, of the diverse experiences of different people, and of having others not understand you.
Ah, this part isn't nearly as well developed, but oh well. I'll ramble for a few minutes then get back to work.
When we were breaking up she seemed to have this horrible viewpoint of me as a terrible person. I was happy when there were times later on that she recognized some good things in me. I hope today that she doesn't think of me as some sort of monster, just human, with my strengths and weaknesses. I suppose it's too much to expect from someone. Oh well. Okay this was fairly vague, but I'm sure I'll revisit it at some point.
A slight tangent to being understood. I try my best, when asked a personal question, I will not lie. There is probably only one thing I would say I have lied about or consistently skirted by, and it's because I have a legal document that says not to talk about it. Everything else is fair game.
I still remember the time Alex commented about how when calvin, scott, and her came into my room to talk and Calvin said 'Do you have anything to talk about? How do you feel?' and I said I didn't have anything to talk about and I felt fine, she said it was "painfully obvious" and she felt I was pulling crap.
But you know, at that moment, that was exactly how I felt. I had found some video games to distract myself. I had screamed and yelled everything else out of my system earlier. I was fine, and I didn't have anything I wanted to just spill out and talk about.
Are there any other times it seems I haven't given a direct answer? I know one time someone asked me what was going to make it next month for a drill and I gave this long rambling explanation, and he said "You know, I still haven't actually gotten a yes or a no...see, that's all I need". Any other times? I know I'm aloof at times. I'm not one for just randomly talking. I'm not that outgoing. But when you ask me a question, I'll give you a truthful answer.
Bah, I guess I still find it ironic and slightly upsetting that I got yelled at and criticized for not being open enough, when it seems I'm more open and up front about a lot of things, even if I'm not eloquent enough to convey them properly. I know I still have a lot to work on, like I said, the kettle can call the pot black. Still, the little voice in the back of my mind goes "really?...really?"
Oh well. Need to move on. Back to work! I'll try and come up with some less QQ crap eventually.